Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The new me vs the old me

I am sure you are sick of me talking about this silly marathon and those darn 13 seconds...guess am I!  I am trying the hardest I can to get this out of mind and focus on the good.  Trying so hard to think of all the times that I haven't done what I set out to do and remembering how I handled that.

How many times have you tried a new recipe and it was horrible?!?!  Tried a new class at the gym and it was just not for you...couldn't get into it.  Made a recipe that you have made a hundred times and it was just no good that night.  Planned out your day perfectly and then take your daughter to the wrong farm for the birthday party she was to go to.  Left your wash in the washing machine long enough that a new cycle was needed.  Cut your own bangs and they are WAY too short.  You washed your hair with conditioner.  The list goes on.  I suppose this could be a list of failures and if that is the case I am failing everyday all day long!  

The problem with these 13 seconds is that I created this new crazy person that was holding herself to a crazy high standard.  I wanted something so badly even though I may not have had all the tools necessary to get it in only my second attempt.  People train and run for years to reach Boston and I thought I could just do it in my first true attempt...that is pretty darn gutsy.

one of my zig zags...but all smiles to see my crew
Looking back over the race more and more-I messed up.  I didn't eat enough during the race so my energy level was dropping drastically.  I didn't hang right next to the pace group for the whole thing...sometimes in front, sometimes with...lots of zigs and zags.  I was an amateur trying to pull something amazing out of no where. 

So today I realize it wasn't a mistake, this race was a lesson...a very hard one to swallow but still a lesson. I still get a burning sensation in my eyes when I think about could I not push just that much harder to get to my goal.  I guess it's the same reason you run out of a key ingredient even though you went to the store that day, then you go to make a meal and you substitute something else and it just doesn't quite taste the same.  This new me...the crazy runner girl me...wanted it to be perfect.  The old me is still here and I need her to be there.  She will continue to help mold this new person into the best one she can be and teach many a lesson along the way.  

A friend of mine asked what the old me would think of the fact that I ran a 8:25 paced marathon.  The old me would have put down her chocolate chip cookie and laughed with crumbs falling out of her mouth.  She would have gotten off the couch in her tight sweats that were worn out on the inner know what I am talking about... and told you-you were crazy.  Running would never be a part of her life and all was good in her world.  There was no room for those types of goals.  That old me can go fly a kite...I did it and I will do it even better next time!

So I will continue to get stronger every day and keep that goal of the "perfect" race in my mind.  It will happen and it will be even better than I dreamed it to be.  Next weekend I get to go away with 11 women to run Ragnar Cape Cod and just have fun!  This will remind me of why I love running and there will be no room for failure or numbers, just fun and friends.   My running heart needs that right now.

The NJ Marathon is now 50% off and I told G1 about it yesterday, asking him if I should run the same course again and sign up.  He said I should absolutely do it, don't let that race beat me or hold me back.  Love the wisdom and honesty in a ten year old boy!  

I will begin again and be smarter this time through.  I will continue to fail a little bit every day in all aspects of my life...but I will realize that I need these failures and it's okay.  And it's okay to be sad about them but don't let them define you.  You are far brighter, stronger, determined and driven of a person to not continue to aim towards something greater.  Two steps forward, one step back is sometimes just how things need to go.  Keep yourself with people that help lift you up and walk with you towards your goal.

Embrace the suck...choose you!!

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