Every one of us is busy and running in circles from before the sun comes up until well after it is down. We struggle to find a balance between family, friends, work, fitness, and general life. Every day we have to make choices that will affect us directly and affect the happiness of those around us. As parents our happiness is a direct correlation to the happiness of our children, and that is a lot of pressure. We try our best to surround ourselves with those that lift us up and remove those that keep us down. We would go to bat for anyone in our community that needs a helping hand or a throw an extra kid into our car at carpool...we are always going the extra mile...and as a result - we are exhausted.
I decided to change my course a few weeks ago. I have been spinning so many plates in the air and I finally decided to take some of them down and focus on what I needed to focus on right now- my family, my health, and getting my life a little bit back on track. I am a pleaser, a giver, and can do-er. I don't ever want to say no and don't ever want to leave anyone in the lurch. I found myself there...in the lurch...I had put myself there. I could see myself sitting there and I was the only one that could help get myself out of it.
Today was my last day at a job I have been at for almost two years. I was so nervous to make this decision, one of those things you think through in your head but you don't actually do it. Well four weeks ago I did it. I told them it was time for me to leave, that it wasn't them it was me. I needed to figure out the path I needed to be on, I needed to do something that made me feel whole, I needed to find myself again. They were receptive and understanding and encouraging. They were all the things that I hoped they would be. We were both grateful for my time there...and now it was time to move on. These people are so beyond near and dear to me on many levels and it was one of the hardest conversations I had to have.
Life is not straight paths. Life is so crooked and wavy, uphill and steep declines. I read recently how there are many ways to the top of a mountain, some are treacherous and scary, some are scenic and simple, and others you need to ask for directions a hundred times and need as many guides as possible to make it to the next stage. I was finding myself on anything but the scenic and simple. I was finding myself lost and accepting the conditions of my life as they continued to present themselves.
So here I am again...hitting my keyboard with random thoughts. Hoping that this helps inspire someone to find the courage to make a change. Finding your true self and being the real you every day is all we can hope for. It was so very scary to take that honest look at where I was on this journey, and let myself trust in the process of change. Many conversations with my husband and close friends where I could be open about my true feelings of feeling disconnected from my life. I had lost my passion for me, I was still smiling but I could feel myself being content in a situation that deep down I knew had to change.
So today I did the final hard thing, I turned in my stuff and I said goodbye. I don't have a plan, or a map, or a next step. I have so many people in my corner that will help me on this journey, help guide me to where my next calling may be. I am training for the biggest race I will ever do with four amazing friends that were all scared out of our minds when we hit the submit button for our first FULL IRONMAN! I have so much to be thankful and grateful for and have learned so many things about myself in these past few weeks. Being able to see the need for change and taking action is the toughest thing out there...I don't care who you are. Know that it can be done, know that you will be alright, know that the path to happier is not straight.
Choose you...embrace the suck! Hard is possible.
