Remember the journey

Six days and counting.  I wake up each morning thinking about race day and how it is approaching and how I am so concerned about weather, digestion, hydration, and overall well being both mental and physical.  This training plan was 18 weeks long and had me running close to 650 miles which includes race day.  I continue to remind myself that this is not just about the numbers.  This is about me seeing something through and no matter what the outcome I am proud of myself.  I am proud that I am giving myself another chance at a dream that I never knew I wanted to dream.  But as I sit at my house today and watch the Boston Marathon unfold and my heart races for just the thought of that epic event, I remind me that at the end of the day...it is just a race, just a run, it will not define me, it is a day where I get to celebrate the journey I put myself on again.

Mid training hoodie half

With everything we are so focused on the outcome, we forget to stop and enjoy the moment, stop and listen to the music playing in the background, stop and read the book to our kiddos even though it is past their bedtime.  We have become a place that is just wanting to get to the next big thing.  I would be lying if I did not say that Boston is my dream next big thing.  However, this journey has been a true transformation.  I am not talking the physical one, that one has been tested over this training cycle, I am heavier by close to 15 pounds then when I ran two years ago.  As I sat and watched myself not make those changes and lose those pounds and just be upset over it, my husband reminded me of something.  This whole thing is not about my inability to do something the way I believe it has to be done.  This whole thing is about following your dream with what I have and that is a strong and healthy body, and any number on a scale will not change that.  Run with what I have, not with thoughts of what I think I should be.

So the transformation that is not the physical side of this...for me this is about believing in myself, having others believe in me, and having my family be a part of this process.  There have been training weekends where the only energy I could muster up was the energy for my long run and then going to work for the day.  I trained as hard as I could for this race and can only hope that it is enough.  But again, in the end, Boston is a dream and the reality is the people that surround me every day.  My kids who are not embarrassed that I am the running coach at school, or give me the high five when I beat the bus to school, or have a conversation about me "as a runner" with one of their friends or teachers, and use me and my hobby as an example in an assignment.  This is a crew that paces me on a run on their bike or doesn't laugh while I plank in the driveway but rather get down with me.  That is a reality I never thought would be.

End of my freshman year 1997

My husband...I just can't even believe that we are today the people that we have become.  We were young kids in love at the age of 18 and 20 that just wanted to be together.  There were no big lofty goals, no huge aspirations.  We wanted to just love each other and continue to do so no matter what.  Safe to say after 15 years of marriage, I love him even more that I hope I would be able to.  We have this unspoken way of supporting each other through this big dream thing, for both of us.  We just do it.  We know that the other person will be making sacrifices for themselves and we will have to do more with the kids, but we do it, we don't point fingers, or keep score, we are a team that in the end is wanting the same common goal.

An old co-worker of mine ran Boston today for the **fourth** time (I had this earlier as first...FOURTH).  He is an amazing guy on many levels but having a wonderful wife and three cute kiddos makes him even more awesome.  His wife was posting on social media today and she was on Bolyston ready to spot him as he came in.  Well she found him just as he was passing in front of her, as she screamed uncontrollably with her daughter right next to her and his head turned, found them, and he ran over mid finish and hugged his wife and daughter and then ran back towards the race course, waving and smiling and continuing on with a full heart.  That video made my day.

my heart...my support crew

This journey is so much more than the race at the end of it, the big dream that we all hold close to our heart and sometimes are brave enough to whisper out loud.  This journey is about discovering something within you that is greater than you ever thought, and having that courage to let it come out so that you can share it and be encouraged by those around you to keep on dreaming.  This journey of 18 weeks of long training runs, dark and cold early mornings and too many logistics to every try to figure out even if it was just one person alone let alone a family of six.  This journey brings me to tears and I haven't even made it to packet pick up.  I know Sunday will be hard, exhausting, and at times make me want to just stop.  In that moment I will remember everyone who is sharing in this dream and helped me get this close.

Embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible...remember the journey.

The build up and the let down...and beating the bus!!

So many things swirling around in my head today.  So many days of trying to keep the balance of calm and somewhat collected in our home for everyone...not just me.  So many doubts find their way of creeping in and so many concerns continue to arise.  You could apply this to any part of anyone's day but for me today...it is seeming to hit on all six parties at once.

Schedule and routine is a great thing but then it becomes a curse.  We fall victim to time lines and trying our best to divide ourselves into three different people so we can deliver everyone to their activity so they will find joy, excitement, and a stronger them.  Meanwhile we are secretly cursing ourselves for over committing, over extending, for forgetting how to say, I'm sorry no we can't.

So we build all of these activities up in our heads, in our kids heads and many times the event falls short.  We have missed the mark, there is not the connection we are hoping for.  Then the tough job starts, and we as parents have to try our best to light that fire within them, help them find the spark, the passion, this entire process is exhausting.  Day in day out...exhaustion.  As I move from one thing to the next with my kids there are many days that I am just depleted...last night my 12 year old told me at 9:30...just go to bed mom.

So yes...yesterday was a long hard day.  The weather was summer like, we played outside, went to swim lessons, and had dinner together at 5pm but that was the only time we would all be in the house at the same time.  They rested their sweet little fresh smelling heads on their pillows and were out in less than five minutes.  The sun rises...and we do this all again.

I find myself talking with friends and other parents that find themselves in this same circle...and how to keep themselves going.  It is so very hard to keep that smile going, having the soft kind loving words for a child after they didn't hear you the first five times, to be excited about making dinner again, to clean up dishes again, to then make lunches again.  This time in life for a parent of four littles is just hard.  So then someone will say how do you find the time to work out with all of that?!?  My support system is one like no other...that would be my first response-without that all of this would most certainly not happen.

I don't consider myself superwoman, I don't have a secret plan of attack every day.  I set my sights low for the day...don't want to feel like a mom failure starting at 6:30 in the morning.  I wake my girls, they give me morning breath hugs and kisses and for that sweet two minutes, our day is starting off perfect.  If I can have that each day...a moment when we are

all at peace...that is my baseline.  I needed five miles today per my training plan.  It is a rainy dreary day here and it was going to start up with the weather just after 8 am.  So today I played "beat the bus."  I have done this a handful of times, the girls' school is exactly two miles from our house.  The path I run is right along the road that the bus takes.  I have yet to beat the bus...today was a different day!

The principal was standing outside the school waiting to greet the students as they unloaded and sure enough I was standing there before my girls stepped foot off the bus.  Mrs. P. suggested that I may need a shirt that says..."Beat the bus!"  The kids unloaded and all of them were smiles and disbelief that I did in fact today beat the bus.  "Wow Mrs. G you really made it here first!"  "I saw you when we turned in and you were already here!" "Mommy you did it!"

So I don't have a perfect plan of making each day as fulfilling for EVERYONE as possible.  But I do try my best to incorporate what makes me whole into the lives of those around me.  I hope that they see my passion and determination and they can take a piece of that and put it into one of their activities, maybe give something another try without having a full on melt down first.  I know that things will not meet their mark, including people letting you down, but I know that we can all try a little harder despite how exhausted we may be.  Hard is just that...hard...not impossible!

Embrace the suck...Choose you...beat the bus!!

Let the shadows fall behind you

Five weeks till my marathon in Delaware.  This weekend will be my first long run with snow and ice in pockets of my town so I will have to get creative with my training.  Training has been going well, I have only missed two of my cross training days and making sure to hit all my mileage marks.  Marathon training is really crazy, you basically have to just give your self over to the race for the last five weeks and then you get to resurface on race day.

As I was doing my five miles this morning on my treadmill listening to the Justin Beiber station on my kindle...the song "Towards the Sun" from Home came on, Rihanna sings it.  Her voice is rather haunting  and the lyrics for whatever reason were really getting me today.

"Turn your face towards the sun

Let the shadows fall behind you

Don't look back, just carry on

And the shadows will never find you"

Many people feel like when you start running, you are doing this to run from something.  Running my second marathon over two years ago and not even thinking a Boston Qualifying (BQ) time was a possibility and then to come up 13 seconds short was mind blowing.  I never even thought that was something I would be interested in wanting, something that was so far off my radar as a mom of four kids that stayed home and felt like she just did laundry all day.  But I did it.  I didn't train for a BQ time but I got pretty darn close to it.  So I signed up again  for 2016 and told myself I would train harder and would be faster and able to make that magic happen...chase my unicorn that is the Boston Marathon.  Well 2 minutes and 40 seconds too much on a horribly cold and windy day with a pulled calf at mile 15 left me with yeah another time that was not BQ.

So I can sit here and be sad and keep myself down.  I could of stopped running all together because I gave what I thought was my all and didn't make the cut.  I could have let that new passion that was now burning deep within me fizzle out and try to find something else to fill that void.  I could have kept running and just gone through the motions and not tried for harder, faster, stronger.

This Orange Visor journey of mine started out about a girl that was unhappy and overweight and inactive.  Then that girl became a running machine with bigger dreams and became part of a community that had like minded people.  People with goals, no matter how big or small.  People that had a passion within them for whatever reason.  People that smiled and were excited when they talked about their races, their hopes for the next season of running, and wanted to share their store, their misfortune, their successes.  People that didn't think I was crazy for tearing up over their stories because I had been there, or am there, and understand that daily struggle.  This girl that started out as one thing has turned into another.  I hope every day that my sharing will give one person the courage to do something for themselves.  We all have something to share, something to be passionate about we just have to let ourselves figure that out....and with that comes failing a few times even before we succeed.

So we can keep our face towards the sun and let the shadows fall behind us.  Keep pushing ourselves to uncover the good in ourselves as well as the good in others. We can let the past stay in our past and use those lessons to encourage us to keep pushing forward.  Looking back at what was, or what could have been is pointless...we can only control what is right in front of us.  This new Orange Visor girl is about just that...choosing me, bringing a little more kindness into the world, letting others know they are not alone, showing others that hard is possible, being that example for my family, getting stronger every day, and forgetting about the shadows...and being okay with how race day unfolds in just five weeks...everything is a lesson in one way or another.

Embrace the suck...choose you...turn that face!!

how do you start when it seems so daunting

I think that people see me throughout the week and I am running literally through our town and when I'm not I'm probably in some level of transition from a run, or to a run, or running late to an activity while in my active wear ;)  Some may think this is always how I have been, that I love exercising so much and I am just so lucky that it comes naturally to me.  Others may believe that I must have it all together and have great time management skills.  I am here to debunk these thoughts.

Me...being me...loud, silly, and a little bit happy.

I am a mom of four kids aged from 12-4 years old. I am a nervous that my middle schooler is going to get introduced to drugs and get his heart broken, my 9 year old is going to be a bully or get bullied by girls that should be lifting her up instead of beating her down, my 6 year old will tell me of a symptom that I say is a growing pain and it turns out to be something so much more, and that my little 4 year old will run after a ball into the street and the car coming towards him will be texting and not see him.  I am a mom and a worrier and want them to just be happy and healthy and enjoy this life that my husband and I try so hard to make for them.

I am a wife of 15 years to my college sweetheart.  This is the man that I met when I was 18 and knew he was the one.  This is the guy that I stayed up all night long and talked to on the phone and we made plans...big beautiful plans.  I hope that our love for each other is stronger than the statistics that loom out there and we can conquer any mountain, figuratively or literally, strong together.  I hope that our passion for health and fitness will serve us well and keep us on our toes for the life of our children and for our later years when it is just us traveling and doing races in our RV wherever we feel like going.

I am a woman who gets so caught up in her family and training that sometimes forgets to be just a girl with her friends.  I need to remind myself to laugh and relax and not be so focused but at the same time not lose sight of these big lofty goals that I have set.  I need to not stress that I say no to things with friends because it is a conflict with a early morning run the next day and they will still love me.  I need to try to do so delicately and keep that balance and smile.

I am an athlete.  In high school I played field hockey, basketball and softball.  Field hockey was my favorite and where I found the most success and passion with a sport.  In my college years I was never active, I never ran, went to a gym, went on a hike, nothing.  I was not an athlete and I was inactive.  It breaks my heart to think I just stopped and not quite sure the reason why.

I am an athlete...I found a friend who had a passion for running and that is all it took.  It was one suggestion for a race of a distance I never thought I could tackle.  So I am back to being an athlete, a runner, a triathlete...and still a mom, wife and woman.  I have found a community of fellow moms, wives and women within my athlete community and they bring me so much happiness.   I am not a girl afraid to ask a guy to go for a run either. I am so inspired, motivated and driven not just because of my kiddos and husband but because of the people I choose to surround myself with.  I see challenges that they rise to both emotionally and physically and I am intrigued...I want to know how they did it...what tools did they use...who helped them...what can I learn.  I have changed my view of these situations.  I am no longer jealous, no longer angry at myself, no longer comparing what I am not in comparison to them.  

I am me.  At the end of every day that is the person I have to be happy with.  I try to be a better me than the day before and some days that is the case...other days I skip my cross training day and eat half of a muffin.  So I guess the answer to my question is pretty straight forward.  You just keep being you, you find a strong group of people that will encourage you, and you have to want it more than you want to give an excuse.  You have to be okay to not have it all together, you have to know that all days will not be perfect and it will take a long time to finally find that amazing goal attained.  You have to find the joy in the steps, the people, the experiences, the stepping stones.  

The hardest part in all of this is not the long run on a cold Saturday morning while training for your spring Marathon...it is making the decision to do it and taking that first step.  That is truly the hardest part.  Hopefully the crew that you have around you will lift you up and be there for you when you knock yourself down.  Take the first step, be the risk taker, believe in you.  Never in a million years would I believe I could pull out an near 7 minute mile on the final mile of a ten mile run.  Never in a million years would I think that would be something I would be excited about.  Find your passion and you will surprise yourself with what you will uncover...it will be amazing.

Embrace the suck...choose you...take that first step.

Looking at days through different eyes

Every morning I wake up in my house with my hubby and four healthy kids.  We get up, we have our breakfast and we start our day.  We are fortunate to have clothes to wear and food in our belly, well aware that is not the case everywhere.  I get to watch my kids learn new things, tackle challenges and handle failure with grace.  I am so very very lucky.

As I picked up my big four year old today and carried him over to wash his hands after lunch I had that moment when I realized I surely can't do this with his big brother.  There are so many things that I used to do, with all of my kids, that I just can't do any more.  Sure my 12 year old would love me to try to pick him up and carry him across the room just to test if I had any super human strength.  While I consider myself a strong girl...not sure I would give that a try.  While I used to walk into his room smelling of baby lotion and new diapers, it now has that almost teenager funky smell that even though I wash everything it still lingers.

no fear for either of us

I took my little guy to the park today and he ran in circles.  I was there with just him and was the older mom.  It was strange...I didn't have a diaper bag, a sippy cup in hand, a stroller lugging all of our supplies...it was just me watching him run and I had little to no fear that he was going to fall or break something.  Not that I would put it past him, we are coming up on his one year head smashing anniversary!  I watched these new moms with their beautiful little babies and I was reminded yet again how lucky I am.  My four are amazing and wonderful and fulfilling.   They challenge each other and me daily and I am grateful.

It then had me wondering about how I keep saying that I do all these things to make me a better mom and wife for my people.  It reminded me that so many of my people's "firsts" are behind them but only to then realize that those are the baby firsts...and my big kid firsts are going to be just as mind blowing and intense as those little chick-let teeth and first cut baby curls.  It started to get me a bit emotional but I held it together...can't cry in front of those new parents.  I realized that these big little kids are now joining me in so many of my firsts.  They are a part of the process of uncovering the new and stronger mom.  That moment when my daughter high fived me in the finish chute at my first half iron triathlon is still a favorite memory of mine.  My baby boy asking if he can do push ups with me to get stronger.  My oldest genuinely concerned on how far I am running today and if he can help out with anything as I am probably beat.  And then there is my baby girl who just loves on me so hard every day and tells me how much I stink after a run.  They are just as much a part of this journey as any bike ride I take or mile I run.  They will help me uncover firsts for me just as I was there for theirs.

I took this pic this morning as I was watching my baby boy crawl all over the rocks.  I thought that maybe I should have taken one without him in it to show the beauty of that park in its entirety.  I quickly realized how silly that would be.  Each one of my people...all the way to the biggest monkey, my husband, add so much beauty to this entire journey.  As each phase passes with this crew I am not sad but eager to see what the next one brings.  For as much energy these little people suck out of my every day...they fill me up ten times over.

heart is full

Embrace the suck...choose you...we are lucky.

I didn't know I was a runner...until I ran

People that know me for a long time probably really think this whole fitness part of my life was a fad...but they also know that I am a committed, determined person.  Family is my number one priority and will do anything to keep that going strong.  When I first met my husband it was just us, in love, doing all things that made us happy.  Then we grew...literally and figuratively...and our bond with each other stayed strong.  My family continued to be my number one, I continued to grow as a mom and a partner in crime...but I felt like that was my identity.

I remember a friend from back in 2000 who would just plow away miles on the treadmill and I found that so crazy.  She would be a sweaty mess post workout and it sounded beyond dreadful to me.  I was focusing on fitness for the first time in my life for me...and I was taking classes at the gym and doing a little bit of circuit training...running was no where in my radar.

Running Army Ten Miler over the years

Fast forward just seven years and the idea of running came creeping in.  A different friend asked about a race and I really had no reason to say no...and it was post baby number two so I thought I'd give it a go.  I remember sitting at my computer and mapping out routes through my neighborhood.  My first training plans started with two mile runs.  Two miles that were probably the most dreadful and lung burning runs I have ever had.  I have zero clue how fast or slow I was running.  I never felt amazing during the process.  I checked the boxes each day and that was probably the most exciting part.  Having this plan that I was supposed to follow made it a little bit more manageable and having a training partner to do it with was key.  Although he was not suffering as much as I was in the process he was still there for our weekly runs.  I was not a runner but just a girl that was following a running plan.

I think after I finished my first few races my hubby bought me a runner girl sticker for my car.  I still had not felt worthy of putting it on my car.  I was not a multi time marathoner, I was not fast, I was not out there every day.  I was a mom trying to stay sane with her growing family and trying to keep her fitness in check while maybe discovering a passion along the way...uncovering a stronger, more confident girl.  I was a runner...no matter what distance or pace...still a runner.  No matter how many races you have completed or not completed...you get up and you lace your shoes, and you run...therefore you are a runner.  

We often don't know what we love until we lose it.  I have yet to lose running to an injury or overall burnout but I can tell you as I have become more immersed into running the days that I take for a rest I go a little stir crazy...I look forward to my run (most days.)  I love the release that the run gives me.  I love that I know it is something that I can hopefully always have.  I love that my family will be active with me during my runs whether biking along side of me, cheering as I do loops on our street or push a jogger along side me.  I love that they don't begrudge my run but embrace it as well.  I love my relationship with running and who it has molded me into.  I love that it has made me a stronger me which allows me to be a stronger mom and partner in crime.

I know that running is not for everyone.  I don't think one has to set a goal of running 2000 miles in a year..that was a crazy 2016 for me...but I do think it's worth a try.  Not a toe in the water and run away because it's not magical the first time you do it.  There are days where I don't feel the run until mile 2 or 3 or sometimes not as all.  On those days though I still feel so much better than if I didn't do it at all.  For me, I wanted something for just me...another identity...something I could find myself in and dive into a community of people that love the craziness of it all as well.  I love that we all have crazy running idiosyncrasies that make us just plan awesome.  I love that we support every person at every level and encourage you to try something different or push harder on a day where you wanted to throw in the towel.  I love how strong I feel after a race or a hard training run and know that I did that and I can do even more.

girl in orange 2000

So from this girl...the one that didn't want to run even if someone was chasing me...I am a runner...and have been since day one of trying.  I didn't know that this passion was within me until I just knew...I love this...all of it.  The chaffing, the nasty tasting gels, the cold wind in my face, the darkness and silence of an early morning run, the moment when I am running with a friend and I realize our stride is in perfect sync.  

Nothing changes if nothing changes.  Do something different, get uncomfortable, try something new.  You never know, you might just find your passion, a new side of you, something that will lead you to amazing people.

Embrace the suck...choose you...you don't know until you try.

enough already...yes you can

With a New Year comes new aspirations for yourself.  It had me thinking about how I often want to make sure all is good for everyone in my life.  Do they really care that they have cute winter flannel sheets on their bed, do they know I hunted and gathered all things Christmas for months leading up to the big day??  I know that I never knew how much my mom did for our family until I became a mother myself and as mine has grown and require even more....and have bigger problems...I know that it was a lot and continues to be a lot for one mind to manage.  However, we keep doing it, we want what is best for everyone that is closet to us and many times that means putting ourselves at the bottom of the to do list.  

So with all that prep and focus on the holidays one can only know what will happen to their goals.  I can't even begin to tell you how hard it hurt when I feel off the wagon over the past month and half.  I had no limits for myself, I kept up my running but for the most part they were junk miles, nothing quality, just getting it done.  I hit my goal of 2016 miles in 2016 and that was truly amazing.  I set a goal, I worked my but off to reach that goal and not one that I am looking to redo anytime soon.  I am avoiding wearing jeans until these pounds are off...I would not be able to handle the pain I would be in wanting to have them off of my doughy body.  I lost sight of my overall goal in focusing on my mileage goal and am paying the price now.  I am not going to beat myself up over it...I am not weighing myself daily, in fact I am not weighing myself at all.  I am focused, determined, driven and that is what is going to get me there...I know what I am capable of and don't need a number to dictate my mood for the day.

I also have started journaling.  It has only been five days worth but I am hoping it will help me look back and see how certain nights of sleep effect my mood the next day or even my exercise habits.  I thought 2015 was the year of the new Julie but I think it is really 2017.  2016 was a lot about testing my boundaries and seeing how I work best and where my weaknesses still are.  I did my thing in 2016 and it was great...had a great full marathon and did two Ragnar Relays but I am hoping for even bigger things for 2017.  And what it comes down to at the end of the day is...yes I can.

It is that simple.  We all have the choice it's just what do you really want.  I could give you a hundred reasons as to why I don't want to do something and probably no reason as to why I can't do it.  Are we busy with the right things, are we choosing to make a stronger you or are we busy making sure everyone is improving while we sit back and help.  Don't get me wrong...I make sure I am on the to-do list but this year I am going to go even more ALL IN.  There is no reason not to.

I am still finding new ways to fall in love with fitness.  I think that is a very important part of life's journey.  For as much as I talk about routine and how that is helpful on my path to success...you also need to make those changes so it remains fresh and you want to do it not just because it is a part of a training plan.  Just like you grow with your partner in life you have to grow with yourself and your relationship with fitness.  

So what am I focusing on for 2017...this will be my year for my Boston Qualifier...I can just feel it...I have a full marathon in April and with coming out of 2016 with 2016 miles run I have a great base under my belt.  I am now running less and according to my training plan so that my legs can have a bit of a breather before I get into the meat of the training plan.  And a bonus I age up this year so my qualifying time is a little bit slower...pays to get older ;)  Then me and 11 of my crazy girl friends will head to Canada to run Ragnar Niagara Falls in May.  After that I will turn things towards the sport of triathlon and do two races over the summer, sprint and olympic distance, which will lead up to a half iron distance in September. 

I tell my kids all the time not to use the word "Can't." I am going to stop using the word as well in 2017.  I am going to continue to try new things, not feel defeated because things don't always go my way.  Just because an initial goal is not met does not make one a failure.  I never would have have guessed this girl from 2014 right here would want to do anything like try for a third time to qualify for Boston after missing my mere seconds, or say I will tackle a full IronMan in 2018, or hope to inspire others to keep pushing towards their fitness goals.  I am not just a mom and a finder of all lost things.  I will continue to kick my own butt and tell myself as much as I may not want to...yes I can. I can do hard things and will continue to push to see where my limit may in fact lie.

january 2014

Embrace the Suck...Choose You...Today is a new day for you...yes you can.