My kids are great kids, healthy, smart, active, and generally happy. But when they start to tailspin out of control it takes everything in my power to hold my stuff together and now lose it right there with them. All of these emotions back and forth especially with the girls....makes my heart pound and blood boil.
Today the kiddos had swim practice after a very long weekend and they managed to get there on time with breakfast in their bellies and did not complain once. Practice was over and we were back home. G1 and I sat in a large mulch bed and weeded for over two hours. It was LONG, BORING and HOT! We were in the shade and there wasn't a ton of conversation between us. It was a lot like going out for a long run. It was something that had to be done even though every ounce of you wanted to do something else. He asked a few times towards the end if we could finish it tomorrow. I reminded him that it was a lot like doing a workout...you know how far you have to go...and sometimes when you get to the 3/4 part you just have to push your way through the suck of completion.
Lunch was prepped and served to the monkeys. G1 now likes to make his own...I'll let that happen any day. We picked up around the house a bit and G4 got his nap that we took from him yesterday...he is still sleeping as I type this. I took the afternoon to watch a movie with the girls and thinking that would be a nice moment for just the three of us. We ended up watching something pretty heavy that the mom dies...not smart choice on my part but we got through it. We snuggled on the blowup mattress in the tv room that the girls had a sleep over on the night before...trying to give them lots of sunshine and lollipops.
Next was my suggestion to start our 1000 piece puzzle that we swapped with a friend. Asking G2 to clean up her crafts from the dining room table was basically like asking her to move a mountain...literally. The arguments ensue and time outs are had. I am exhausted. Today the kids won and I lost. I saw glimpses of sunshine and lollipops but today I had to be the one to point them out and tell them to look.
This will all be over in a blink of an eye and my kids will be older and hopefully able to reflect back on these times we shared together and wish they reacted differently. I too will probably wish I made different decisions and let certain things slide. It is so hard in that moment to know what is the right thing to do and still stand firm as the parent to these little people that are just trying to grown and learn and test their boundaries. Lots of days everything just seems so hard. I sometimes wish I was as dramatic as G2 and just have the breakdown of tears and the world coming down around me just so I could get it out of my system.
Each day I am not sure how many glimpses of sunshine and lollipops I will give or they will show me...but I know that I have to stay the course with both myself and my children. I know that they push me to the edge on many days so for me I have to make sure I get time for me...time to push myself to my own limit without feeling the need to lose my cool. I choose my hard at 6:00 am to get my workout done for the day so I can start the day at peace and not have the feeling of having to pull myself in a million directions. It's hard to not turn back to old habits of emotional eating in these situations...I just try to remove myself from the kitchen and tell myself no snacking until these 32 ounces of water are gone.
So this day will be done soon...and I could have a repeat tomorrow. It will be hard and some parts will be easy and give me a huge smile. I will try my best to give them the best of me and hold it all together. I will be out of the house at 5:30 am tomorrow morning to get a long ride in with a friend on the trail to find our sunshine and lollipops before the chaos begins. I will continue to take deep breaths and remind myself that they are still little, that this will pass, that I will miss it all..and it is all done with love.
Embrace the suck...choose you...find and make some sunshine and lollipops!
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