Just an honest entry

I almost forgot how to sign into this account...it has been that long.   This past year has been a tough one for me.  I forgot more than just my password, I forgot how to be me and prioritize what makes me me.  I had my focus so much in one direction that I loss sight of everything else.  This is not a welcome back entry to solicit "you can do" "you will get there again" this is just an honest entry.

Five years ago I found myself in a tough place physically and mentally and found a passion for running again.  I found myself in a focused, determined, force to be reckoned with kind of way.  I had a mission and I got there, I shared the journey with anyone who would listen and tried to have a great balance of life, fitness and family.  I did this and I did it well.   I found myself getting stronger and faster and really LOVING my running...it had awoken my soul.  I tried to qualify for Boston and missed, and then I tried again and I DID it!  I came home on race day to a driveway full of framily!  That is not a typo...so many friends that I consider to be my family and are still so important to me now.   They were there to celebrate this feat that I had trained my butt off for.

September 2017 I found out that even though I had qualified I would not be running my dream marathon.  That killed me.  Being that this is an honest entry...it still kills me.   I didn't know how badly I really wanted that until I was told I couldn't have it.   I ran Army ten miler that year, humid and hot as can be and wasn't into it...I did a few more races leading into 2018 but just wasn't loving running, it hurt my head, my body and my heart.   I stopped wanting to do it.  I developed a mortons neruoma in right foot, read HORRIBLE FOOT PAIN, that limited my running.  I turned 40 in January of 2018...I just started to slow down and everything around me kept marching on.

I went back to work semi full time in March of 2018 and now was needing to balance those hours outside of the house into our family's mix.  I still was coaching the school running club, two field hockey teams and supporting my other kiddos in their actives.  I am not going to say we were over scheduled because how we were operating is the norm.  Four kids is practically equal to 4 times the carpooling and logistics coordination.  We were busy....very very busy.  I was pushing running away because it was easier than trying to fit it in.  Summer came, hubby and I managed our local swim team and the days where I would wake up early to get my run in before the meet on Saturday mornings were just gone.   I stopped caring.

In all of this I also chose to stop sharing my thoughts here which for me is a huge release and gives me a sense of balance.  I felt like there was no point in me sharing anything because I was failing and no one needed to hear that.  My words of encouragement were lacking as they weren't even able to encourage me.  Fall of '18 came and I threw myself into sports for the kids, work and finishing a project in the house.  I ran Army ten miler again to get my 7th time done and I was hoping it would have lit a spark for me as that was my first race ever.  Nothing.  I just didn't want to run, so I didn't.

Again, this is not a pity party, this is just the facts, just me putting it out there that life happens and what was once your focus can quickly become out of focus.  All this time I had become so laser focused on qualifying and I felt like I was let down.   I felt like anything I said would had just been a lie because I was not living up to my own standards.  Meanwhile I watched others march on with their success and balance and I was jealous.  It was ugly and I removed myself from things I loved.  I was not in a good place but it was a place I had put myself.  It was one I needed to dig myself out of.

Well January came around again and here I am 41 and probably 30 pounds heavier in one year.  I was stressed from my perceived failure, working again, and overall anxiety from the entire situation.  I have heard that the 40s were tough but wow...this was a killer year!!

So here I sit three weeks into my training for a half marathon in May.  I was supposed to be four weeks in but of course I got the flu...killed my mojo of starting up but I have made up for it with three great weeks!  I look forward to my runs again.  I was afraid to run again in the early hours alone but now I can't wait to get out the door and have that quiet time...alone.  All day long there is the constant draw on us for things and that 30 minutes to an hour is just me.  I couldn't love it more...except when there is an amazing sunrise, that is my ultimate favorite.

We are still busy as can be and a logistical nightmare but we are pushing through.  My hubby has been amazing dealing with my crazy emotional roller coaster for the past 18 months.  He is my cheerleader, my sounding board and my dose of reality.  So thankful that he is as strong as he is metaphorically and physically...he has handled things when I just couldn't do it.

I focus on each day, one at time, and what is expected of me in that day.  I try to stay ahead of what is coming and plan for the crazy.  I try to find the time with myself, each of my kiddos and my hubby.  I try to stay true to myself and be honest with what the reality of the situation is. I am going to bed earlier...that has been huge!!   I stopped being focused on a goal and am now focusing on the journey of getting back into fitness again.   All the other stuff will happen but now is time for meeting new people, developing new friendships, celebrating the amazing ones I have, challenging myself in new ways, and being excited about this new path.  Where I land may be even better than were I was before.

Thank you for listening and thank you to my friends who have been so supportive of me as I found me again.  You have done so much for me over this past year and a half and never stopping caring, checking in on me and nudging me along.  I felt your love and am grateful for you all.

Choose you...embrace the suck...and don't worry...when we fall we get back up, be honest with yourself about why the fall happened and know you have a community around you to help always.  xoxoxo

What have I been doing?!?!

Time goes so slowly and then it is in fast forward.  I try my best to keep the pace and stay focused on our family goals, personal goals, and maintain some level of normalcy with my exercise and healthy choices.  Life just gets too busy.  I am and was an advocate for all things healthy and then I find myself eating cookies when I am bored and not waking up to get my run in for the day.  I became extremely tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and flat out spent.  I went from working 11 hours a week at a part time job to keeping that going and picking up another that was demanding more of my time.  I was doing all of this and imagining everything would just stay as it always was.

I stopped making the time and instead finding all of the excuses.  Peanut butter and jelly on white with a glass of milk was becoming more of my norm as I rushed out the door to get my people where they needed to be or get myself to said new job to get some hours in at the shop.  I was loosing all focus and not caring that my "me time" was not happening.  

So many exciting things happened in the last few months, Ben, my hubby, completed his first and probably only 100 mile race.  I ran/walked for 21 of those miles with him.  There were tears and silence and life goal discussions had, and he finished 8th out of 63 finishers and led for the first 50 miles.  It was amazing!!!  I headed to Chicago for my 7th Ragnar relay and had a great time with amazing women as always.  This one definitely made up for the heat and hills that Kentucky brought us in September and we are all looking at upcoming dates for our next adventure.  I ran just over 20 miles for this one and felt pretty good considering my weekly mileage was no where near it should had been for training.

runner girls always there

I stopped riding my bike and doing my monthly fitness challenges.  I had so many plates in the air spinning I had to take them down before things really started to break.  The end of the school year came in early June and there were so many things to do with the kids I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  As always, we seem to preserver and come out on the other side with a smile on our face.  The smile, though not always real, was present as we continued to overwhelm ourselves with the list of things that had to get done.  With this my list of things I wanted to focus on for me started to disappear.  This person that I tried and worked so hard to be was quietly walking away.  I could see it happening, I left my job at the running store for more responsibility and more time with my family when school starts up in the fall.  My running friends were there for me asking me to join them, taking slow runs just to encourage me to get out the door.  I was starting to feel like a full on failure and a phony.  I was falling into my own black hole.

Things are better than they were a month or so ago.  I feel less overwhelmed, anxiety over my out of controlness has decreased, and there seems to be a bit of order developing in our chaos.  I am taking all of this as a lesson.  A very hard lesson to admit to myself.  It kills me how I ran a marathon with a Boston qualifying time just over a year ago and now I can barely get out the door to run three times a week.  I had hopes of completing a full IronMan this year...not in the cards.  I need to get my head back into this game and then the body will follow.  

supportive hubby

Did I mention how it is so hard with partner in all of this just does his thing after kicking butt in his goal race for the year and maintains all aspects of order.  One would hope that would encourage but on many days it did the complete opposite.  I felt like he was taking pity runs with me but I had to get that out of my head and let him help me find my way again.  That is what this whole life thing is about...not the big huge lofty goal that you think is number one, but all the smaller learning steps along the way.  The true people that come out of everywhere to check in on you when they see something isn't right and you just aren't you.

People are always asking...so what are you doing next.  Well...I am taking baby steps to get myself back into my fitness routine.  I am carving time out for my family and figuring how to go back to be a working mom.  I am taking responsibility for my actions and my non actions and re-righting the ship.  I am accepting that none of this is going to happen overnight.  I am accepting that I need help and encouragement when I probably don't really want it.  I am accepting that things that were once easy are really damn hard.  I am accepting that who I was before does not lessen who I am now.  I am accepting that change can happen and will happen when you let it happen.  

My mom keeps asking if I am okay.  I always answer her with yes, just exhausted.  I would dare to wager that most of you reading this are okay but exhausted.  I don't know how to slow the spinning plates without them breaking, I don't know how to not over commit ourselves to things for ourselves and our families.  I am okay, I will work through this and I will be stronger for it.  I know that my journey is similar in many ways to yours and we all find a way of getting there.  Thank you all for being the supportive group of people that you are, knowing when to check in, encourage and most importantly...continue to inspire.

Embrace the suck...choose you...re-right the ship.

I just don't care

This year has proven to be a challenge for me both mentally and physically.  As I stand on rooftops shouting how I must be strong for everyone around me I had a blip in the sequence and for a little while I just didn't care.  It is so hard to keep everything on track and keep pushing forward so for a few weeks I said I just don't care.  Another injury crept in on me, my motivation starting to head south, and the holidays were all around so I just let myself enjoy the time, the friends, the food and drink.  I am well aware of all the choices I was making, well aware of their consequences and well aware that I could have made smarter choices and still had just as much fun...but I just didn't care.

It is so easy to let a day pass and just not care, to not worry about your health or maintenance or welfare....it is so easy to be caught in the moment and let the excuses flow as to why it's okay.  My four kids are cared for every day...I make sure they are on target and have all the things they need.  I try my best after caring for them to make sure I care for my husband and be the partner that I said I would be 16 years ago.  Then there is the community and the schools and the sports and the friends and the house and the list is so long and so tiring and exhausting and daunting.  And as some people become energized by this list others just don't care and find it all too much.  There are times that it is too much for me.  Days that I spend in sweats and snuggled up on the couch and watch a lot of movies with my kiddos.  I kind of shut off my sense of caring and just turn off from all the needs of everyone.  I know that this is okay...and I can't be everything to everyone every day...but I truly believe that if we care for ourselves just a little bit each day...the rest comes a little bit easier.

The energy I sustain after a workout or sometimes even just being around others and talking about upcoming races gets me going.  It makes me want to do more, it makes me want to care about the little stuff.  I can go days not doing a project of any kind in the house and after a good workout I am cleaning stuff out of closets and drawers left and right.  I know that I can't be "up" all the time but I do know that a workout is definitely a way to help get me there.

When I am in the dreary days and I tell myself I just don't care...it is truly a lie.  I do care, I do give a sh$t.  I do want to do better, I do want more, and the most frustrating part is that I am in charge of that change.  That is why on those days it is easier to just not care about what effects you most directly.  We need to stop taking the easy way out.  We care about feeling good, about being a better partner, mom, friend and part of the community.  Shutting ourselves out is not the answer.  Finding a  person or five that you can reach out to when you need that boost is what it is about.  A walk through the neighborhood to talk about the things you care about most, help prioritize how you can tackle the big obstacle you put in front of yourself, turn the careless behavior into drive and desire.  

So when I find myself saying I don't care...I am now quickly following it up with "yes you do...you are just scared, or lazy, or nervous, or lacking the motivation.  You can do this"  We collectively need to start caring more.  There are LOTS of crazy things going on now and we need to care more than ever.  I think we all need to start with proper self care and knowing that the hard is possible.  We are worthy of many great things, and knowing  you are able to help yourself get those things is most important.  It is not about relying on someone else to care for you...you have to want it, you have to care, you have to give a sh$t.  

So I challenge you today...I challenge you to care a little more, to pay serious attention to the choices you make knowing the outcome you will receive.  Care for you first.  We can't help others if we are not whole.  Be the true you, stop the excuses, care more then ever before.

Embrace the suck...choose you...be yourself. 

the climb to the hill

I was driving out of my neighborhood the other day which requires a small climb up a hill to then turn and coast down hill a bit.  Once we turned the car sounded less angry and struggling and was just enjoying the easy section of the road.  Next up another small incline to get up the bigger hill to finally get out of the neighborhood.  As I have finally had my "over the hill" day arrive I have realized that the hill is still a bit of a climb.  

These past forty years have passed so very quickly.  I still feel like a teenager who apparently has a husband, four children, and my own home.  I go through each day making sure everyone's boxes are checked and things are prepped and ready for the next adventure.  I try my best to find time with my husband and children individually. I would think that each of these years that have passed are so memorable and I could pin point a moment at any given time...for some reason they all blend together.  I see the pop ups on social media of what happened a year ago or five and I can't believe I can't remember the details of that moment.  Every time my kids speak and say something that makes me smile or bring a tear to my eye and flutter to my heart, I feel like I will forever remember that. The truth is...I don't...time passes too quickly.

So I have made it over the hill but I feel like I still have a lot more mountain to climb before I get to the top.  I look at this world I have created and enjoy the little moments and savor them on this given day.  I am thankful for the thousands of  pictures I take and share of my family and friends because these reminders of the magical times are so worth it.  This climb to the top of the hill is not a solo trip.  It is filled with laughter and sadness, strength and weakness but with so many others that make it so very worth it.  The company one keeps makes the adventure so much more...and I thank you for that.

I have been listening to music this morning and it is filled with songs of my past, Counting Crows-Round Here, The Cure-Pictures of You, DMB-Crash, Cyndi Lauper-Time after Time, Goo Goo Dolls-Iris, Pearl Jam-Breath, James Taylor-Fire and Rain, Coldplay-Fix You, Sinead OConner-Nothing Compares to You, Phil Collins-In the Air Tonight, Lynrd Skynyrd-Simple Man, Elton John-Rocket Man, George Michael-Faith, Tom Petty-WildFlowers, Blind Melon-No Rain, The Clash-Should I Stay or Should I Go, Modest Mouse-Float On, and my most recent obsession...Judah &the Lion-Suit and Jacket.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AigOUsOEhSY

Music is probably one of my favorite things... I always have it on and pretty much will listen to anything, except country (sorry.)  Just like those time hops on facebook...that song takes me right back to that special moment and I can smell the beach air,  see the smiles on my college roommates faces as we danced in the hall, and remember smooching with my husband then boyfriend as we were out on a date.  I see my kids doing silly dance parties while kicking leftover birthday balloons.  I hear them sing songs blasting out Have You Ever Seen the Rain...and being on the shores of Kona hearing Sky Full of Stars.  

So as I coast a bit as I am atop of one of the many hills still in front of me...I will enjoy this weekend and all the people in it.  I will snuggle up to my kids as they still let me.  I will remember the birthday parties I had as a kiddo filled with english muffin pizzas, karaoke machines, teddy bears and craft centers making sunhats with flowers to hang up in my flower wall paper covered bedroom.  I wear my 21st birthday necklace my parents gave me every day...I now understand that fact that your children are your treasure.  I remember my aunts, uncles and cousins with me celebrating together and having chicken parm for dinner more than likely.  I wish there was more pictures of all of that...or maybe not...I did have a perm in fourth grade!

So yes I am 40 today and it pretty much feels like any other day other than the large amount of orange balloons and streamers and HUGE ORANGE 40 hanging in the front hall.  I do believe that the best is still yet to come.  The crazy baby years are slowing creeping out of sight and my growing children are turning into teenagers and little people are in full force.  I am still 18 right?? Time with my hubby will become more special and a long time coming...just us doing things for us...will feel kinda crazy.

Thank you all for your support and well wishes.  Thank you for letting me share my journey and for being a part of it on every level.  I hope I can continue to inspire and motivate on a few different levels...I hope that my oversharing sometimes brings a smile to your face or a tear to your cheek.  Today, I am going to just keep calm and forty on!

Embrace the suck...choose you...keep climbing the hill!

Where I was...where I am...where I want to be

The new year is upon us all and with that comes all these big goals we are setting for ourselves.  I feel like I am just brushing off the exhaustion that came with the holidays...starting back in October and trying my best to look at this new year with a clear lens.  I am trying to tell myself that now is the time, now is the time to flip the switch, I did this before I should easily be able to do this again.

1997...when we began

I tend to find myself looking to the past for what I was able to do.  As soon as I do that I immediately look to the future as to what can I do now to try and top what I did before?!?!  With all that head turning of where I came from to where I want to be...I tend to find myself not looking at the now.  The now is where I need to put my attention.  The day in day out doldrums need the attention and the love.  When we focus on the now those future goals come and we are just prepared.  It's not a scary thing, it is not overwhelming, it is what we have been working for a little bit each day for the last however long!

my first sprint tri

I think with endurance sports there is the constant need for wanting to out do yourself and your peers.  I have found myself in that circle of wanting more, pushing more, and needing to be the best I can be.  When I step back from that I realize that I am trying to be better than I was...when I am pretty great at that moment too.  In my time of training, competing against me, wanting to be faster and stronger...I think I might have lost my view into the big picture.  These two back to back injuries have made me stop and not look left or right but look at the right now.  I can't be like how I was or how I feel like I want to become if I am losing sight of what I am right now.  My running has come to a near standstill.  I have had to do very remedial exercises with tears rolling down my cheeks.  The tears are both pain and anger.  Pushing too much is not always a good thing.

NJ Marathon 2016

I have found myself scrolling my feed in the past and seeing pictures of me at races or after an amazing run, and I find myself bumming out.  I am wanting to be that girl again...I am wanting what I was three years ago.  To say that ship has sailed wouldn't be fair...I do think I am still capable of great things, but I think I need to re-evaluate my definition of great.  2018 will be my 40th year on this spinning ball...every day is a chance for me to make myself stronger.  I need to stop the self comparisons and focus on the now.  BQ and making the cut is still my dream...and it will happen but I think 2018 will be a year of strength and overall health.   I am not going to try and log 2000 plus miles in the year.  I am going to try and find the balance of strength and endurance and inner peace...I think that may be harder than running 2000 miles...but I am pretty sure hard is possible.

My Why

I will keep going with goals and having fitness and healthy choices be a part of my day in and day out life.  I will sign up again for some crazy race and run all the miles to get there safely.  I will get up at crazy hours to fit things into the schedule of my party of six.  I will keep smiling and try to share kindness with those around me.  And as my kids say...I will continue to talk to strangers about all sorts of things.  If you see me out and about and it's been awhile I will probably give you a hug...it's what I do.  I will try to stop spinning and focus on the now...and hope more of you are a part of it.

Embrace the suck...choose you...figure out where you are.

Drive...or the lack there of

When I am on I am ON!!!  When I am off I am so very off.  I wish I could figure out what makes me want to keep it going...to stay that laser focused...to not even second guess a choice...to just operate on auto pilot.  I am not sure if it was my minor back injured that side lined me in October that kept me from running for three weeks...the first time ever that I was not doing anything.  It was weird...but at the same time it was great.  I felt like both my body and my mind needed a break.  I am back to running but it is harder than it has been in a while.  Food is still and will always be my main issue.  Running five miles on a given day is way easier than saying no to freshly made chocolate chip cookies.

So how do you find it...how do you believe in yourself again...how do you motivate you every day to get the train back on track.  I don't know.  There is no magic pill..there is no set amount of days of focus that suddenly you do it all in your sleep..yes I know the 21 day rule...but sometimes I wish it was 14 days.  Three years ago when I started all this I was a MACHINE.  I was so driven, so motivated, so laser focused.  That girl is still here but she is pretty far away from the girl that is here now.  I am okay with that...but maybe that is part of the problem for lack of a better word.  I know that hard work is the only way to become the person you want to be.  I know that it can't be talked about without execution...and wishing for it will get you no where.  I know how to work hard and I know what calling it in looks like...currently I am just calling it in.

My husband who I love...is ON!  He is training for a 100 mile ultra in April.  He is changing up his diet so that he can burn fat while on his 100 mile adventure and not need to fuel with carbohydrates...not sure what fat he is burning but I understand the whole keto system and how it works.  I know that he will drink beer, eat bread and french fries again...just not now.  I know that coconut oil will not be consumed in large vats and his meals will not consist of protein with a side of protein forever.  I watch him just do his training plan without thinking twice.  I watch him not eat oatmeal or cereal..two of his favorite things...I watched him not have stuffing or potatoes on thanksgiving...I am watching him work hard for his goal.

So maybe that's it.  Maybe I need that big scary goal to get my butt into gear.  Maybe I need to not live in a place that today's current temperature is 9 degrees with the wind chill.  Maybe I need to remember how much I love to have my workout done with first thing in the morning and suck up late night tv watching for a solid night's sleep.  I try to not think of my weight and exercise as something that I have to "control" but more of something that I have come to terms with as it becomes second nature and daily habit it stays in check.  The truth of that situation is things have highs and lows.  Runs have great days and bad days.  Food is on point or everything but the kitchen sink.  One cannot be on 365 days a year...but one also must remember to get back on the bus...before it runs you over.

The holidays are here and I am not going to let the cookie bus or Buddy the Elf run me over.  I am going to make the time...not find the time for my daily exercise.  I am going to stock my fridge with healthy choices and not just saltine toffee and fudge.  I am going to plan ahead...not what the day has in store and make sure I am prepped and ready.  I am going to engage friends for accountability...I am going to go on walks at night even after I may have done a run earlier in the day to reconnect, see the twinkle lights, and move my body again.  I am going to keep myself a priority despite the seasonal pulls all around me.  I am not going to freak out over everything and the fact that hubby can say he is done eating bread and actually stick with it!  Who does that...oh a driven, focused, goal oriented person.  I know that person exists within me too...just not right now...and that is okay.

Embrace the suck...choose you...find your drive!

Showing up...you are ready!

Many people have asked me as of late what is next...and I have nothing on my race calendar.  It is very strange to not commit to anything and just keep running and working on staying strong.  After being out of commission for almost three weeks I treasure my fitness more than ever.  A wise woman once told me that the hardest thing about getting back into shape is getting back into shape.  So this week I have watched my intake, focused on getting proper sleep, continue my PT exercises to strengthen my back and core and as the months seem to tick away I am reflecting on the year as a whole already.  Time can slow down at any point...and I am promising myself that I will not fall into the holiday craziness...taking back Christmas this year! ;) #badmoms

When looking at my races I didn't set any PRs this year but I still had a lot of fun and did a few classic to me races and other brand new ones.  I did races with friends, did a few alone, and always seem to have my community of runners and non runners to come back to.  Many people may be reading this on the eve of running a big race...there is a big one here tomorrow in Virginia and seeing all the posts of these people who are anxious, excited, crazed and scared make me so giddy with excitement!  YOU ARE READY!!

Running a race is a lot like planning a wedding or being pregnant.  The build up is huge and so is the preparation!  You can talk to so many people and there are a million different ways to do the same thing.  You have to figure out what works for you, what you are comfortable with, what you can sustain...and then trust in you.  You have to build your community that will help you with the tough decisions and emergencies and know that sometimes you have to look at things from a different perspective.  But with all things the hardest part is showing up.  You are there...you have shown up..trust in that!

So all of you racers or future races...when it comes to race day eve...know you are ready, know you have sacrificed for something, know that this is the fun part, know that this is what you trained for, know that the nerves are just you ready to tackle the goal ahead of you.  Know that you are supposed to feel this way and you need to bottle all of the energy for tomorrow.  Remember that you can't control the weather or how your body will react to nutrition or cramping or chilly temps.  None of that can take away from all that you have put forth.  

I may be talking a little extreme...I tend to go a bit overboard when putting myself into a race...but either way...we all have goals, A, B and C goals.  We want to do good...we want all this work to be worth it...we want to do a little better than the last time we ran this distance.   When you toe the line tomorrow remember all the people that joined you on this journey, remember how important they are to you and this process.  Know that they are there with you virtually and cheering you on and that they know how much you have sacrificed to tackle this goal.  You have shown up...and they believe in you...know it is time to believe in yourself.

This next part is just as hard to write as it is to read.  Remember that this race is just a race...that you are there in a moment of time and as important as it is...you are healthy, you are strong, and there will always be another one.  Know that plans change, and goals shift, and tears are sometimes shed in more than just happiness.  And in that moment of what feels like mass disappointment, you are stronger than you ever knew.  All that you have gone through is not for nothing and this race is not just another medal to hang or a notch on your belt.  It is just as much a part of you and sometimes may have felt like a full time job or the birth of a baby or wedding celebration...and being upset is understandable!  You still need to celebrate the tough losses...they are the building blocks to stronger finishes down the road.

So kick butt in all you do...be proud of this commitment.  This is a big deal, this is not for everyone, and not everyone can understand all that is the crazy mind of a runner or other endurance athlete.  Trust in the process, you are ready, you have more than shown up.

0.5%        Percentage of US Population that have run a marathon
570          Total number of US marathons held annually
581, 811   Total number of people that finish a marathon annually

Embrace the suck...choose you...show up...be inspiried by shalane flanagan.