Where I was...where I am...where I want to be

The new year is upon us all and with that comes all these big goals we are setting for ourselves.  I feel like I am just brushing off the exhaustion that came with the holidays...starting back in October and trying my best to look at this new year with a clear lens.  I am trying to tell myself that now is the time, now is the time to flip the switch, I did this before I should easily be able to do this again.

1997...when we began

I tend to find myself looking to the past for what I was able to do.  As soon as I do that I immediately look to the future as to what can I do now to try and top what I did before?!?!  With all that head turning of where I came from to where I want to be...I tend to find myself not looking at the now.  The now is where I need to put my attention.  The day in day out doldrums need the attention and the love.  When we focus on the now those future goals come and we are just prepared.  It's not a scary thing, it is not overwhelming, it is what we have been working for a little bit each day for the last however long!

my first sprint tri

I think with endurance sports there is the constant need for wanting to out do yourself and your peers.  I have found myself in that circle of wanting more, pushing more, and needing to be the best I can be.  When I step back from that I realize that I am trying to be better than I was...when I am pretty great at that moment too.  In my time of training, competing against me, wanting to be faster and stronger...I think I might have lost my view into the big picture.  These two back to back injuries have made me stop and not look left or right but look at the right now.  I can't be like how I was or how I feel like I want to become if I am losing sight of what I am right now.  My running has come to a near standstill.  I have had to do very remedial exercises with tears rolling down my cheeks.  The tears are both pain and anger.  Pushing too much is not always a good thing.

NJ Marathon 2016

I have found myself scrolling my feed in the past and seeing pictures of me at races or after an amazing run, and I find myself bumming out.  I am wanting to be that girl again...I am wanting what I was three years ago.  To say that ship has sailed wouldn't be fair...I do think I am still capable of great things, but I think I need to re-evaluate my definition of great.  2018 will be my 40th year on this spinning ball...every day is a chance for me to make myself stronger.  I need to stop the self comparisons and focus on the now.  BQ and making the cut is still my dream...and it will happen but I think 2018 will be a year of strength and overall health.   I am not going to try and log 2000 plus miles in the year.  I am going to try and find the balance of strength and endurance and inner peace...I think that may be harder than running 2000 miles...but I am pretty sure hard is possible.

My Why

I will keep going with goals and having fitness and healthy choices be a part of my day in and day out life.  I will sign up again for some crazy race and run all the miles to get there safely.  I will get up at crazy hours to fit things into the schedule of my party of six.  I will keep smiling and try to share kindness with those around me.  And as my kids say...I will continue to talk to strangers about all sorts of things.  If you see me out and about and it's been awhile I will probably give you a hug...it's what I do.  I will try to stop spinning and focus on the now...and hope more of you are a part of it.

Embrace the suck...choose you...figure out where you are.