Running out of my comfort zone

I was asked once and then again and again to do something that I knew was way out of my comfort zone. I was scared and nervous on many levels.  I have done three Ragnar Relays with my team of 11 other women that I know and we have our rhythm down and we run in sync, literally and figuratively.  This relay was going to be different...different people and a whole different challenge.

Thursday night I had five people come to my house and have a meal together prior to our departure at 2:30 in the morning on Friday.  I had only run with one of these people before and we, the small six of us, were going to tackle over 200 miles over the next two days.  I have NEVER done an ultra, which means just six runners and all these miles.  I have never met 4 of the members of my team, I have never tackled an ultra Ragnar and I had NO CLUE what to expect other than a lot of fun and not a lot of sleep.  It was going to be epic!

home sweet home

Our departure time came and we loaded up and headed into our home for the next 48 hours.  Our start time for the relay was 5:45 am.  We headed through the mountains and rolling hills of Cumberland Maryland.  I had never been in the first van for this relay or any relay for that matter and I was going to be runner 5&6.  I was so nervous...I have been running but I knew the hills of western Maryland were going to kill me.  

i think i can

The energy at the start was buzzing, so many first time Ragnarians, blinking lights filled the darkness and the start times began at 5am.  I found three friends that were doing their first one and they were pumped.  Our first runner went out and our journey began with the blast of an air horn!  Our second runner went out to tackle legs 3&4.  Leg three was known as "Capital Punishment."  Most of these relays have one leg that is just crazy hard, either really long, a really steep climb or a combination of all.  Our runner kept on climbing over 1000 feet and was greeted by signs of encouragement as she just never stopped pushing up this never ending hill!  I was the next one out and was pumped to get this party started for me.

starting out

This leg was hard, it was downhill, and it was loose gravel.  I kept thinking in my mind, even though I was now with these members of my amazing team, I can't let these people down we have six people and 200+ miles...I have to push through.  For every climb I had there was another down hill and my legs were feeling it and starting to hurt early.  I had ten miles of crappy terrain and dust in my face by the passing cars...I kept thinking of my past team as well...they were running right along side of me...I was thinking of who did these legs in our first relay and was channeling them to get through it.  I made it to the exchange and my whole body was very happy to be done.

Our day continued with lots of running and an amazing sense of community.  You find other vans that you tend to stay on pace with and you run into them again and again in the exchanges.  Everyone is tired and sore and bizarrely loving every moment of this challenge.  My overnight run was next...I had some pb&j and lots of water and amazing sweet potatoes (Thanks Debruns for recipe and hubby for making last minute) and I was ready to go.  I had slept for about an hour after my first leg and felt charged up and ready to get this night one done.  I knew it ended at the creamery and I could get some ice cream.  if you know me at all...you know that would be a driving factor!  I began the run and my legs were still hurting a lot from my down hill earlier but I managed to find a buddy to run with.  We stuck together for a good portion of the first six miles...not a lot of talking but I was happy to have someone there with me on these dark stretches.  The second half of my leg was going to be all mental...it was an uphill that I was not going to be able to climb.  I was definitely the carrot for some people as they would get past me and then walk a bit...then start up and then stop.  Everyone was getting tired and the utter fatigue was setting in.  I finished my 10.73 miles and found my team at the creamery.  Mint chocolate ice cream was mine and a half gallon of farm chocolate milk for the van...it was perfect!  I crawled back into the van and got on my amazing pj bottoms and sweatshirt and slept for three hours while the second half of our team crushed the night runs!  Our last runner had 18 miles to do and she was amazing.  She never stopped and had trained for this...I just had to be quiet to feel any frustration for my 10 mile night run!

more cowbell

The sun rose, so bummed I missed it, but Mark said it was a pretty morning.  Poor Mark had to deal with five women during this whole thing...but he was amazing.  A guy I just met and his singing along with us and ability to fall asleep in less than one minute made my weekend.  Did I mention I hadn't met these people before...so not only was I running a race as an ultra, I have never done that, I was doing it with people I had just met.  So many things were out of my comfort zone in this relay...and each one of them had their own special reward.  We were from all over the NOVA area as well as one from NC.  We each brought a little something special to the band of misfits.  Whenever anyone asks me about Ragnar a huge smile comes across my face and I just say that it is the most fun you will ever have running...it is exhausting, scary, moments of self doubt, smelly, full of moments you will love and moments that you will love to hate.  We continued our journey...and it was powered by the cowbell.

final leg

Our final legs were the most challenging.  We had to dig deep to make our legs move forward.  The soreness was in full effect and time was not on our side.  We contacted race command as we were worried we were not going to finish by the 9pm finish time. They approved us to leap frog some legs.  Our runners would go ahead and run two of their legs at the same time and then we could skip the next segment.  This would allow our team to complete the mileage and save on time.  We were slowing down and the finish line was not getting to us faster.  I ran with Amy on my final leg.  We had just over 9 miles to run together.  We had just met Thursday night and here she was my life saver in this final stretch.  Every mile that dinged by on my watch I wanted to stop and walk.  The sun had finally decided to make an appearance and we were feeling the heat.  My legs were crippled on the down hills and I just wanted it all over.  We stuck together until the final mile and a half which consisted of a steep uphill into Arlington.  She pushed through and made it to the finish before me and then Mark went out.  I had finished...it was not pretty or easy...but it was completed.  

All three boxes checked!

We now had two runners left and our final runner had a monster 18 miler AGAIN.  I know that I can dig deep on stuff but she was beyond words amazing.  She trained for this and was not going to stop.  Sarah was the instigator of this whole team of misfits...she was our captain...she made us who we were.  I still sit here in disbelief of her finishing this relay with over 49 miles under her belt and on little to no sleep.  She is a rockstar and I was just a part of her background singers.  

We met Sarah at the final exchange and she knew she had 12 left and then her legs could stop.  She looked great...had some bacon and grapes and headed out.  We went back to clean out the van a bit and then made our way to the finish line.  We laid on the grass and waited for the text...the one mile to go text.  She was on her way in.  We were energized by the teams all around us waiting to see that final runner and shuffle their way across the finish line.  This is what we signed up to do...finish together.

Run that by me again...Ultra Edition

And Done!

Would I do this race again...in a heart beat.  Not sure I would rock it as an ultra as this specific Ragnar is listed in the top ten "Manliest Races" on the east coast.  There is not much I don't love about Ragnar...heck their color is Orange...how could I not like that!  The finish area was packed with teams sharing crazy stories between the two vans of their teams.  They finally had more than five minutes to share their experiences at an exchange.  Family was showing up to see the exhausted family members.  We sat on a bench and shared our two pizzas and I headed to the beer tent.  There is something to be said for a nice cold beer after all that.  It is the perfect end to what was a perfectly imperfect two days.

I am so thankful I took the risk to do this.  I am so happy that I decided being out of my comfort zone can be a good thing.  I am thankful that my husband supports my craziness that is Ragnar Relays.  I am so proud of me for believing that hard is not impossible.  I am thankful for my team for encouraging each other, being the support crew when we needed them, singing crazy songs with me...and let me blast music and ring cowbell at every runner I passed.  I cannot wait to hop into another van and do this all again.  I know that I can tackle any challenge thrown down in front of me and it doesn't have to be perfect...just progress.

Embrace the suck...choose you...run a Ragnar!!

Reflect and recap

I sit here and think back to before fitness was such a huge part of my life...and I can't think what I was focused on...I can't think of what my passion was...I can't think what drove me to push myself.  Like most things in life the decision to get involved in running and triathlon started with a discussion among friends.  My first mother's day present was a Schwinn bike from Target with a trailer to carry my soon to be baby boy behind me.  I never hooked that trailer to my bike but hubby did...and we started riding together.  After that I started running...nothing far, nothing fast...but I started.

I worked full time in Reston, roughly 18 miles from my house.  Once a week I met friends along the trail to bike into work on my Schwinn.  They were riding awesome looking road bikes and looking back now, probably cursing me for coming along as my mountain bike was SOOOO slow.  I thank them for being patient..for letting me tag along...for never saying no.  

First Training Plan

Next was training for my first race, the Army ten miler.  The first scheduled run on this plan was 2 miles.  I thought I was going to die, it felt impossible, it felt pointless, it was a slow jog, ten miles mentally felt like it would just never happen. During the work week I ran with my running partner...he had run before many races and again took me under his wing and let me go slow, complain, breath loudly, and encouraged me all the while.

For a girl that grew up on the Jersey shore in the summer and not in a pool, I did not know how to swim.  I held my nose when I went under waves, swam all day but never did a stroke.  My first sprint triathlon I swam it backstroke.  In the final lap I ended up in a cutout stairwell of the pool.  I was embarrassed and just doing whatever it took to get it done.

So here we were Saturday morning September 10, 2016, about 8 years after my first triathlon.  I have a new to me tri bike instead of a Schwinn, I have run thousands of miles since my first race, and have swam in open water on many occasions and made it out of the water to tell the story.  I have met so many people over this journey with stories of them just starting, of this being just another race in their long list, and stories of days were race day did not go as planned.  They all have amazing support systems to see them make it to the finish line.  A new bike, sneaks and fancy goggles do not make the race possible...it starts with a small belief in something scary within you that sparks and grows into an amazing feeling of anything is possible and love and support coming from your people and strangers you have just met.

bike rack for #409

We showed up on Friday afternoon, walked down to the swim entry and saw the buoys...they were far away and the water was warm...more than likely wetsuits were going to be a no.  This made me anxious as a little extra buoyancy can go a long way for 1500m swim.  We walked back up the quarter mile transition and got our packets and settled in for the event briefing.  Nothing too crazy was reported for tomorrow, other than we knew it would be hot and to stay hydrated, have fun and be safe.  Our group headed out to find some food, prep our gear and try to get a good night's sleep.  Stickers were applied, noodles and chicken were eaten and I headed to bed by 10pm.  Wake up was 4:15am with a out of condo time of 5am.  Transition area was closing at 6:45 and Half race start time was 7:00 and Olympic was 7:30.  There were about 200 people doing the Olympic distance and almost 250 doing the half.  It was a quiet morning despite the music being played to get everyone pumped...everyone was in their own head thinking through the steps and making sure their checklist was complete.

walking to the swim

We headed to the water, Ben was dealing with the fact that he had people with him at the start of the race, probably messing with his mind as he hasn't had a support crew for any of his recent races.  Mike was ready to get this thing started, and I just wanted the swim over.  As one of the announcers said yesterday...I do the swim so I can get on the bike...and that is all.  It was a beautiful morning, the heat did not feel horrible and once we stood in the water I was actually cold.  Ben was the first one of us to head out, followed by Mike, then me.  Laura was an amazing sherpa there in her orange visor and orange Stride t-shirt...makes for easy spotting!  She documented the whole day and cheered from start to finish...all while she was mentally preparing for her own race on Sunday.  

swim is done

The swim started for me and I walked a bit out to the first buoy. I  am not a fast swimmer so there was no need to try to get ahead.  I didn't want to get kicked or pushed so I just took my time and then finally said to myself...it's time to start...get your face in the water.  I kept the sighting buoys on my right not to get pushed to close to the shore, made the turn at the big yellow cylinder.  Thankfully there was a boat out there with blue flashing lights so that helped a lot with the sighting.  I made my way to the next turn buoy and then was in the home stretch.  I never looked at my watch to see my time.  I am not a swimmer so I just was going to go as strong and steady as I could.  Time was not a driver here...just completion.  I saw Mike on the swim during that final stretch...made me happy to know that he was doing well and cruising along as well.  The final yellow buoy appeared and I made the final left...the shore was in sight and I was done...there was nothing scary...just tired and wanted it over.   Laura was there....cheering for me and I was getting my legs back under me as I headed up the quarter mile jog to the transition area.

finished on the bike

I never thought biking would be my thing but I guess strong big thighs can pay off.  I managed to bike just over 20 miles per hour for the 40k bike ride.  I felt strong and not labored.  I pushed when I could, I slowed down when there was traffic of either bikes or cars, and loved the fast down hill coming off the bridge.  It was a safe course and police and volunteer presence were very visible.  I didn't drink enough water, I am a bit of a scaredy cat with reaching for my water bottle.  I drank some in my transition before getting on the bike...and never felt thirsty on the ride...I took a gu at mile 10 and made myself drink some water afterwards.    I took that final turn into the cattle gate entrance...slowed down...was happy with my pace and my tush was happy to get off the bike.

Transition to run was fine.  I had seen Mike on the bike and figured Ben was still out there biking away.  I went to get my run stuff together...grab my orange visor and head out.  It was really humid and my legs were not feeling that fresh.  Mile one went by very quickly and a bit too fast...I ran 8:20 and was excited but then I started to be tired.  I had another gu with me and now think I probably should of had it...but that day I didn't...I kept on trucking along, taking water at every aid station...my pace was slowing but I felt like I was going as fast as my legs on this day were going to let me.  The course was interesting...Ben had told me it was wooded but I didn't take that as trail...trail is not my thing but I kept on going...it was very pretty and still very hot.  The sun had yet to break through the clouds and I just kept on plugging away.  On the final two water stops I grabbed ice and tucked them in my sports bra...it felt great and now my feet were sloshing in my shoes...water was just dripping all the way down to my toes and I was wanting this to be over.  The final turn out of the woods had me back on the path that headed towards the finish line.  I saw Mike with his orange visor on and he said I would see Ben in just three minutes.  I was happy to see Mike running as it was so humid and a long day I wasn't sure if his legs were going to be there for him.  I was mad at myself for the slow pace but at the same time was just hoping everyone else was having a tough time with the heat and humidity.  

Sure enough 3 minutes later I saw a guy running at a fast clip coming towards me in an orange visor.  He screamed, "Go Orange Visor!" and we said our I love yous and high fived.  I had under a mile to go.  I knew it was not going to be my fastest run but it was almost done.  I was excited to finish!!  I passed a 72 year old man that I spoke with at packet pick up.  He was from Reston, and has been doing tris his whole life.  I told him great job...he said he had wanted to stop many times but had yet to do it.  I said slow is always better than stopped.  72 years old...just awesome!  

final push

The final turn was in sight and I saw Laura in her orange attire.  I pushed as hard as I could and my legs felt like bricks.  It didn't matter what the pace was, I gave my all and that day, that was all I had.  I managed just under 9 minute miles, not my best run but still very happy with the day.  

all done!!

I finished my second olympic triathlon in 2 hours 54 minutes and 49 seconds.  I improved on my first olympic time by 12 minutes.  Granted my first was very hilly bike, all my time was improved on the bike here at Patriots.  I ran and swam slower on Saturday then in my last race but my legs were ready to ride that day.  The girl that started on a Schwinn dropped 12 minutes...I can't even wrap my head around that.  I loved it...I loved every minute...even the ones I hated.  That day made me want to do it again and again and again.  This sport is not about speed or where you finish at the end of the day, it's about you putting your mind to something and seeing it through.  It's about early morning commitments and crazy training plans.  It's about time management and ensuring you are ready to tackle something that at first feels bigger than you.

podium time

I headed over to Laura to watch for Mike to come in.  He trucked on in and was happy to find that finish line as well. The heat of the day was truly upon us and we just wanted to be done.  We were waiting now for Ben and I was doing fuzzy math on trying to figure out how long he would take.  The results were being shown upon a big screen but my age group still was not complete...they had only listed first and second.  I walked with Mike and Laura getting food and drinks and we came back upon the awards ceremony.  Sure enough they were about to do my age group...Women's 35-39 and my gosh they said my name for third place.  I couldn't believe it!  I hopped up onto the podium and just smiled...I didn't think it would happen but sure enough there I was.  The girl who never thought a triathlon would be a part of her life...was standing in third place for the ladies 35-39.

So how do I feel today...I feel like I wish I committed a little more of me to this training..in the moment I was happy with all that I did but now that the results are in and the competitive Julie takes charge...I wish I was just a little bit stronger.  I am so excited to sit down and plan out my race calendar for this spring and next fall.  I am excited for the two events I am racing this weekend and next. I am over the moon to go to Kona to see the best of the best compete in the biggest race of their lives.  I am excited to see my husband's hard work make his dream a reality.  I know today that I am capable of hard things.  I am stronger than I thought I would ever want to be.  I have days that are not good, I have days that I am great and super focused, and in the end they all balance out.  I will never stop trying or running.  Running is what started this whole thing and I will be sure to never let it end.

Embrace the Suck...Choose You...Never stop trying!

Swim 41:01
T1 3:17
Bike 1:13:10
T2 2:12
Run 55:11

Total time Patriots Olympic Triathlon 2016
2:54:49
3rd in Age Group 35-39
21st Female
75th overall
  

Toe in the water...stuck at half way

You know how you have finished up summer and all the free for all eating...yet you somehow managed to maintain your exercise routine through it all...and for some reason you still don't feel great!?!?  

Yeah well that is because exercise is such a SMALL portion of this whole fit lifestyle equation.  As great as I can feel after a workout...if the food isn't clean eating...I still feel like junk. I get so frustrated with me...I want to be good and I know that being 100% all the time is next to impossible.  But I also know that doing it half way leads to no results.  So here I go weighing and measuring and working out as my plan says...yet I am fairly certain that I am consuming more than my fair share...and I wouldn't know because I am not tracking it in myfitnesspal.  I tell myself it will all balance out with all my exercising...but at the end of the day..or in this instance...the end of the summer...it is not balanced...it is very much in the plus.

SO...how does one get this situation turned around, how do you talk yourself into wanting to stay focused and determined...how do you say no to the treats and glasses of wine...well you just start small.  You may limit yourself at a given moment when maybe you don't know what the facts are around that item...and save that treat for when you are in your home and have a measuring cup and can measure out that cup of ice cream or 8 oz of wine.  I know this probably sounds a bit extreme...but if you really want to succeed...you can't go around guessing things.  You have to be precise..you have to know your intake/output...at the end of the day...it's all a numbers game and to have those results...the ones that will make you stand taller and feel stronger inside and out.  

The key to the day in and day out...is to enjoy what you are doing, have an accountability buddy, drink lots of water, love the food you are eating, and don't feel like you are depriving yourself.  At the end of a successful day you know that you feel like you can take on the world...and the hardest part is to convince yourself to do it all over again tomorrow.  So moral of the story here...the days will not be perfect...you do not need to workout like a crazy person to have results...you can say no thank you to desserts and nights out that would result in you loosing control...and you can say yes to a little bit more of focus and determination.  The latter will get you where you want to be.  

Three months from now is December 7th...the start of all the HOLIDAY season!  You know what that time of year means...and you know how crazy the food and parties can be.  Imagine if you took control now...if you got yourself into that routine to uncover the stronger you...it you didn't do it half way...but ALL THE WAY!!!  You have that power...maybe you have to write yourself a little note and read it every morning...kind of like a reset for yourself to know that you can take on the day.  If this whole process was easy than we would't be having this discussion...it's really really hard.  But like most things...hard is not impossible...it requires a lot of work and cheerleading!  I am a great cheerleader and happy to help you get to that point...find that buddy...sign up for some classes, do some monthly food prep sessions together, share recipes, take the time to take care of you!!

There is no point in doing this half way...go all in...feel strong..stay committed...stop the excuses...choose the hard...be stronger than you ever thought you could be.

Embrace the suck...choose you!

a letter to my 19 year old self...

I work in a running store here in Northern Virginia and these past few weeks there was a surge of back to school shopping.  The range was from families buying shoes for little feet who will be heading into a new elementary school to big feet who would be tackling a new campus for the first time ever.  There was one conversation that struck me.  A daughter who was heading to college was choosing between two pairs of sneakers and both were of equal comfort.  The mom was trying to help her make the decision and she said..."Whatever will make you want to get up and work out in the morning.  You need to be working out."

My years at college did not consist of trips to the gym or running miles through historic battlefields.  My years were filled with friends, fun (all kinds) and schoolwork.  I had yet to make the connection that those items could co-exist with school.  I met my husband the second month I was at school and we were basically together from that point on.  We did a lot of stuff together but fitness was not one of them.  I would watch him play intramural rugby and we did a lot of "greek olympic" events...but never did we think to lace up our shoes and hit the trails.

So why did this mom bug me so much when she said this...her daughter ran cross country and track throughout high school and was in great shape.  Why did this mom feel the need to remind her daughter that she needed to get to the gym in the morning.  She ended up grabbing the shoes that she really wanted and seemed very giddy and anxious for her new college adventure to start.  This mom loved her girl and wanted her to keep up the good work.  Much like we say...make sure to hit the books...we want to make sure they also hit the gym!

Dear young Julie,
College is going to be whirlwind, you are going to have so many different groups of friends that will be a part of your college career on many different levels.  Friendships change over time but know that the true friends that you meet there will be with you till the end.  You may not be able to sit at Servo over a plate of curly fries and chocolate milk and have endless hours of conversation or snuggle up and watch golden girls on a Sunday afternoon, but they are still a part of you.  
You are going to meet a guy that would do anything for you...you are going to spend all of your time with him and make memories that will still make you smile and laugh when you are 38.  You will probably stay out too late partying and eat chocolate chip pancakes at 2 am at the local diner while he devours two double cheeseburgers deluxe and sleep in until 12 the next day.  You will probably lose sight of Julie the individual as you are starting to meld into one with your new found love.
As the two of you merge this relationship even more you will continue to enjoy your college experience.  This is okay.  You will wear too many pairs of overalls and when looking back at pics later in life you will wish you didn't.  You will look at this girl you were becoming and see how happy she was.  How she was falling in love and not focused on the strong being she would later become.  She doesn't know the importance of believing in something stronger than she currently is.  This is okay...she is not a failure...she is a girl that is growing into whatever she wants...and in that moment it was finding the person she was going to be with forever.  This girl will only make the older you stronger than she would have been without this part of life.  This young Julie will make the older Julie that much more focused and determined.  Without young Julie the Julie that is today may have never surfaced.
-Julie (older and maybe wiser)

So that mom really wants her daughter to hit up the gym and be focused...and I guess in the end I was just jealous of that drive that she has at the age of 18.  I guess if being honest I wish when I married my college sweetheart I was not 200 pounds and wearing a size 16 wedding dress.  I guess I wish a little of this drive hit me sooner than in my late 30s.  However I can't help but think that if I didn't have that struggle, if I wasn't able to look back on my actions in my early 20s and now know where I steered wrong....I would not be here today.  I would probably not be like that mom and tell her daughter to hit the gym as well as the books, I would not have seen the importance.  Heck, now I have coached the running club for my kids school for the past few years encouraging them to be active and have that be a normal part of their lives, one that might just stick with them.

So it's okay...it's okay that fitness and nutrition were not a focus in my younger years.  It's okay that things got out of hand in the later years of my college career.  That time was about the people and the experience and not the personal individual growth.  Now is my time to shine, now is my time to grow for me, now is my time to lead by example.  My criteria for a balanced lifestyle is so very different and I am not sure I would trade where I am today for that younger and not wiser 19 year old.  And that's okay.

Embrace the suck...choose you...learn from the past...just don't repeat it.

we are so hard on us

you know when you wake up at 6:30 and you go to the bathroom and you don't put on your workout stuff to go in the basement and start your day...instead you head right back to your bed and climb into it because the kids are still asleep and you can maybe get another hour of sleep before the day begins.  and then they come in...and they want to snuggle and watch a show...and you want to hold them because you don't want this time to end.  school starts in two short weeks and lazy mornings will be a thing of the past.  then breakfast time starts and you still haven't gotten into your workout gear and you are chatting and signing along to raffi at the breakfast counter.  all the while you know if you had just started at 6:30 you would be done...the guilt would be gone and the endorphins would be flowing.

the guilt has got to go.  the guilt is what gets in the way of it all.  i need to remind myself to have fun too.  i am training again for another triathlon and with that comes increased biking and swimming and decreased running.  i start to feel guilty that i am not putting in the mileage that i really want to with my year goal of running.  no one else is holding me to that number...just me.  and as awesome as it would be to hit it...i don't have to.  the world will not end if i don't...it's just a number.  a big huge lofty goal but not needed to make my family happy, make me sleep well at night, or make us work as a well oiled machine.  this journey is not about the half tos...but the get tos and the want tos.

a friend of mine was talking to me last week about the purging she was doing of her closet.  she was coming to terms that she will never be x size again and is riding her closet of the clothes that were just taking up space.  as she was talking to me about it we were discussing how hard we are on ourselves.  how we get this notion that a number is all that matters.  that in all of her hard work this year she has not moved down on the scale but rather gained 8 pounds of muscle.  she has legs people dream about....well at least i dream about.  she works every day on a stronger her and you can see it in the smile on her face and the confidence she shares with those who truly know her.

i have not weighed myself in probably a month.  i am not freaking out about it.  i am still tracking my numbers and working out.  i am not letting the scale control me.  the start of this journey it was definitely about what that scale said.  i needed to see the numbers go lower and lower....and i know it was getting a little out of hand.  today i realize that this journey is not about the number.  i look over how my life has changed in the the past ten years and really can't believe it.  i look back on who ben and i were when we met...and how we are the polar opposite of that. our initial wants and desires of family and love still exist but now we have the a personal quest as well.  this quest although hard and sometimes lonely, in the end will bring us strength and a mindset I can only hope our children will emulate.  this journey has definitely brought us closer together.  don't get me wrong...there are many an argument put forth over all these months and months of training...but we have a new respect for each other.  we push each other to new limits and have challenges we never thought we would want to tackle...and we do that together.

i want our children to channel a stronger self than they think they can be.  i want them to trust in themselves and make the harder choice.  i want them to realize that numbers at the end of the day don't really matter but trying your best and putting the best foot forward does.  numbers do not define you...and you can just hold you against you...and no one else.  i want them to know they are never alone, and when i go on my long runs early in the morning they are the ones i think about.  i want them to see the support that their dad and mom have given to each other over these years of growth and how much we appreciate their participation in all this all well.  i want them to see that hard is not impossible.   i want them to grow as strong individuals and know that we will always support them and not be so hard on themselves...we are not perfect and don't expect them to be either.   i want them to know that when they don't have the strength to believe in themselves anymore...their parents always will.

embrace the suck...choose you...don't be so hard on you...we are all doing our best.

wedding 2006

wedding 2016

I wish this...I wish that...

The week is wrapping up and my kiddos have been in camp for the past two weeks...we have just a few weeks left to this thing we call summer...I have yet to sit on my deck and have a late afternoon beer, sit around the fire pit making some smores with friends or stayed up late enough to catch a few shooting stars.  Summer has been fun and busy but I am SO EXCITED for these final four weeks of summer without a schedule!  

My summer running has been anything but spot on...the humidity has been killer and I am just not a hot weather runner...and that goes right along with my summer eating.  I seldom say no to dessert at night but instead limit myself to seconds of dinner.  I still am weighing and measuring and tracking as best as I can...for me...that is what works best.

Do I wish I was running stronger this summer...do I wish my shorts fit a little looser around my strong legs...do I wish I didn't feel the need to eat all the chips and guacamole when it is put out for an appetizer...HECK YA!

summer at it's best

The thing is...at the end of the day...I control my choices and what I want to have as a result.  Right now my choices are giving me the results of not running my fastest, not fitting into things loosely...and loving chips and guacamole.  And for right now....THAT IS OKAY!  The numbers on the watch or on the scale are not controlling me this summer.  I know what it takes to make it fast and super fit.  It takes more than wishing for it...it takes a whole lot of work...hard, sweaty, early mornings, exhausting days work.  

I am not mad at me for enjoying my summer, in fact it is a nice break from the laser focused me.  I have one race in September and that is all that is on the calendar.  I know that wishing I looked like x or y or feeling jealous of a person poolside and their amazing abs gets me no where.  Instead I look at that person and know that A LOT of work goes into them being physically fit.  A lot of hard choices have been made.  They did not wake up one day and just turn in to a fine human specimen.  Everyone makes a choice every day...and really that is the simple ugly truth.  You choose to do something or you choose to do nothing.

So while I continue to enjoy my summer...and my family...and not be so intense...I hope they are experiencing a more laid back summer mama.  I still have my three year old hold planks with me, my five year old squat it out on commercial breaks, my nine year old join me for a 5k through the neighborhood, and my twelve year old hate me for burpees being on the list of to dos.  And hubby is the one laser focused this summer...he is definitely not the one wishing for anything...as he is putting in ALL the hard work to give himself an amazing race at Kona in October.

So stop the wishing...and start the hard choices.  When I look back at my first training plan for my first race...the first distance I ran on day one was one mile...that is it...one mile.  Everyone has to start somewhere...everyone can turn those wishes into hard work, sweat and results.  

Enjoy these final weeks of summer...I know I will!

Embrace the suck...choose you...stop wishing...start doing!

Marked for life

I remember getting out of the outside shower at the shore when I was probably about 15 years old and I noticed I had a few marks on my thighs.  No clue what they were I went on my merry way of being a teenager on the jersey shore.  Over the next few months and years I acquired more marks on my legs and sure enough they are still with me today.

My twelve year old said to me the other day...."Wow Mom...you have a lot of scars on your legs!"  The thing is they become more noticeable when I am tan so in the summer I deal with the same old question... Do I wrap myself up in a towel or do I just take on the world as it comes.  I have chosen choice number two.  As much as these marks drive me crazy they don't change who I am today.  I am sad when I think about how I "grew to fast" and my skin could just not keep up.  I had four babies and not one mark on my belly....however my teenage years will forever have a story to tell on my legs.

So what did I reply to my son...nothing more than the truth.  I got too big too fast and my skin had to stretch and it stretched too much.  I still look back on my whole journey and find it crazy that I have chosen THIS TIME to be strong...when I am fully exhausted, carting my kids in every direction, up to my eyeballs in to do lists, going to bed too late and waking up too early...now is the time that I have chosen me.  I have to think that I have made this choice now for many reasons.  

When I was 23 I didn't think about the big picture, I didn't think about others and how my life would have an affect on them.  The enormity of the ones I love most having the biggest effect on me...and me wanting to be here, helping them, loving them and holding them is reason enough.   Now at 38 I have made the choice for strong.  I don't care about the marks on my legs.  I know that these legs have carried me to places I had only dreamed of going to.  I see the marks and use them as a reminder of where I came from and where I am capable of going back to.  I choose to be strong for myself, for my family, and for others so they know despite whatever "marks" you may have...you can still choose strong.  There is no body shaming here...just lifting you up to let you know that despite what you think...you are stronger and capable of great things.

Embrace the suck...choose you...choose strong!