we are so hard on us

you know when you wake up at 6:30 and you go to the bathroom and you don't put on your workout stuff to go in the basement and start your day...instead you head right back to your bed and climb into it because the kids are still asleep and you can maybe get another hour of sleep before the day begins.  and then they come in...and they want to snuggle and watch a show...and you want to hold them because you don't want this time to end.  school starts in two short weeks and lazy mornings will be a thing of the past.  then breakfast time starts and you still haven't gotten into your workout gear and you are chatting and signing along to raffi at the breakfast counter.  all the while you know if you had just started at 6:30 you would be done...the guilt would be gone and the endorphins would be flowing.

the guilt has got to go.  the guilt is what gets in the way of it all.  i need to remind myself to have fun too.  i am training again for another triathlon and with that comes increased biking and swimming and decreased running.  i start to feel guilty that i am not putting in the mileage that i really want to with my year goal of running.  no one else is holding me to that number...just me.  and as awesome as it would be to hit it...i don't have to.  the world will not end if i don't...it's just a number.  a big huge lofty goal but not needed to make my family happy, make me sleep well at night, or make us work as a well oiled machine.  this journey is not about the half tos...but the get tos and the want tos.

a friend of mine was talking to me last week about the purging she was doing of her closet.  she was coming to terms that she will never be x size again and is riding her closet of the clothes that were just taking up space.  as she was talking to me about it we were discussing how hard we are on ourselves.  how we get this notion that a number is all that matters.  that in all of her hard work this year she has not moved down on the scale but rather gained 8 pounds of muscle.  she has legs people dream about....well at least i dream about.  she works every day on a stronger her and you can see it in the smile on her face and the confidence she shares with those who truly know her.

i have not weighed myself in probably a month.  i am not freaking out about it.  i am still tracking my numbers and working out.  i am not letting the scale control me.  the start of this journey it was definitely about what that scale said.  i needed to see the numbers go lower and lower....and i know it was getting a little out of hand.  today i realize that this journey is not about the number.  i look over how my life has changed in the the past ten years and really can't believe it.  i look back on who ben and i were when we met...and how we are the polar opposite of that. our initial wants and desires of family and love still exist but now we have the a personal quest as well.  this quest although hard and sometimes lonely, in the end will bring us strength and a mindset I can only hope our children will emulate.  this journey has definitely brought us closer together.  don't get me wrong...there are many an argument put forth over all these months and months of training...but we have a new respect for each other.  we push each other to new limits and have challenges we never thought we would want to tackle...and we do that together.

i want our children to channel a stronger self than they think they can be.  i want them to trust in themselves and make the harder choice.  i want them to realize that numbers at the end of the day don't really matter but trying your best and putting the best foot forward does.  numbers do not define you...and you can just hold you against you...and no one else.  i want them to know they are never alone, and when i go on my long runs early in the morning they are the ones i think about.  i want them to see the support that their dad and mom have given to each other over these years of growth and how much we appreciate their participation in all this all well.  i want them to see that hard is not impossible.   i want them to grow as strong individuals and know that we will always support them and not be so hard on themselves...we are not perfect and don't expect them to be either.   i want them to know that when they don't have the strength to believe in themselves anymore...their parents always will.

embrace the suck...choose you...don't be so hard on you...we are all doing our best.

wedding 2006

wedding 2016