Where are you going? Forward.

Well I have had many thoughts and feelings over this past year as I am sure we all have, and they have not all been happy and joyful.  This has been a time in life that I don't want to forgot but wish would pass a little more quickly.  My family and extended family has stayed safe and have nothing to shake our heads at other than missed memories, but we have been afforded the opportunity to make many more.

In this year I thought that I was going to have this grand breakthrough and get myself phsyically back on track.  I thought that this would be the time to rise and shine.  I quickly learned that mental heath surpasses physical every single time.  Without feeling balanced in my head and heart no matter what I did physically it would not matter.  I also realized that being away from those that mean so much and the day to day of my community would continue to take a toll on my well being.  And this was just me...not even my kids and my husband.  This was a hard year.

Here we are, continuing through the hard.  My kids continue to surprise me with their resilience but like mine, there will be a cap to how much they can take.  We are craving normal and hugs and sunshine and our extended family and friends.  They want to participate in sporting events with fans, we want to listen to live music with a crowd and we want to feel safe with the grandparents and I want to do an in person race!!  These I am sure are echoed throughout the masses, with many more to add, but it feels good to say what I am truly missing.  

Half way through marathon

So through all of this I continued to run and managed to do an unofficial marathon in October.  Training with my friends was the highlight of those summer months.  It was dark and early but it was the people that always see me through to the end.  Race day came and it was chilly!!  We managed a great day with a cheering section(my family)on top of beautiful fall foliage that mother nature gave us.  I was finding the joy of running again without the dread of a strict plan.  We made it up as we went along and the runs with friends were bringing smiles to my face.  After our IronMan was cancelled in September, we needed something to feel excited for.  Feeling excited these days is kinda lacking!!!

Constant support crew

Time marches on and I still was not feeling my strongest healthiest self.  I stopped sharing my daily journeys because I felt like they were not worthy.  I am not writing this for pity, more for a reality check.  Every day that I got up and set a goal and met it, no matter what it was, was a great thing especially during this dark and crazy times.  My kids and their daily success was more of my focus and goal attainment.  Things shifted and my mind was not feeling the balance.  My mind and heart were letting me down during the time that it needed to be most present.  

So 2021 is supposed to bring a sense of renewal and hope.  In reality we still are doing the same things we did in 2020...but there is hope.  My kids are still schooling from home.  My husband and kids have been remote since March 2020.  I started a new job over the summer and I go in once a week with a staff of 5.  My oldest is doing sports and competing.  The rest are signed up for spring.  IronMan training started back up a few weeks ago in the hopes of a race in 2021.  Many that we miss so dearly are getting vaccines...things are shifting.  While I know this will be a slow and gradual shift, it is movement.  Much like the slow and gradual movement of myself with regards to training and fitness focus.  All the months of putting forth a lackluster level of effort to training is shifting.  I am finding excitement in pushing myself.

So we do get to begin again and are granted a new choice of actions in this time of shift.  I am choosing to shift forward and continue to believe in these small signs of hope.  I will move with my kids in the direction that brings them happiness and normalcy.  I will smile and agree when my oldest daughter asks me to go on a walk with her.  I will read the extra chapter of Dog Man with my son after his bed time.  I will have the extra snuggle fest from my sweet baby girl who still loves to be with her mom.  I will take the kiss on the head and the hug while at the counter working from my baby boy who is 6 feet, 215 lbs.  I will thank my husband for his continued support of me emotionally and dealing with all the crazy that this house of six has brough over the past year.  I am grateful for this year of pause and reset.  This is something we all will remember, some days we wish we could forget, but the lessons at the end of it all are making us better people.  

The Trail Home

Choose you...embrace the suck!  Hard is possible.