What have I been doing?!?!

Time goes so slowly and then it is in fast forward.  I try my best to keep the pace and stay focused on our family goals, personal goals, and maintain some level of normalcy with my exercise and healthy choices.  Life just gets too busy.  I am and was an advocate for all things healthy and then I find myself eating cookies when I am bored and not waking up to get my run in for the day.  I became extremely tired, exhausted, overwhelmed and flat out spent.  I went from working 11 hours a week at a part time job to keeping that going and picking up another that was demanding more of my time.  I was doing all of this and imagining everything would just stay as it always was.

I stopped making the time and instead finding all of the excuses.  Peanut butter and jelly on white with a glass of milk was becoming more of my norm as I rushed out the door to get my people where they needed to be or get myself to said new job to get some hours in at the shop.  I was loosing all focus and not caring that my "me time" was not happening.  

So many exciting things happened in the last few months, Ben, my hubby, completed his first and probably only 100 mile race.  I ran/walked for 21 of those miles with him.  There were tears and silence and life goal discussions had, and he finished 8th out of 63 finishers and led for the first 50 miles.  It was amazing!!!  I headed to Chicago for my 7th Ragnar relay and had a great time with amazing women as always.  This one definitely made up for the heat and hills that Kentucky brought us in September and we are all looking at upcoming dates for our next adventure.  I ran just over 20 miles for this one and felt pretty good considering my weekly mileage was no where near it should had been for training.

runner girls always there

I stopped riding my bike and doing my monthly fitness challenges.  I had so many plates in the air spinning I had to take them down before things really started to break.  The end of the school year came in early June and there were so many things to do with the kids I wasn't sure I was going to make it.  As always, we seem to preserver and come out on the other side with a smile on our face.  The smile, though not always real, was present as we continued to overwhelm ourselves with the list of things that had to get done.  With this my list of things I wanted to focus on for me started to disappear.  This person that I tried and worked so hard to be was quietly walking away.  I could see it happening, I left my job at the running store for more responsibility and more time with my family when school starts up in the fall.  My running friends were there for me asking me to join them, taking slow runs just to encourage me to get out the door.  I was starting to feel like a full on failure and a phony.  I was falling into my own black hole.

Things are better than they were a month or so ago.  I feel less overwhelmed, anxiety over my out of controlness has decreased, and there seems to be a bit of order developing in our chaos.  I am taking all of this as a lesson.  A very hard lesson to admit to myself.  It kills me how I ran a marathon with a Boston qualifying time just over a year ago and now I can barely get out the door to run three times a week.  I had hopes of completing a full IronMan this year...not in the cards.  I need to get my head back into this game and then the body will follow.  

supportive hubby

Did I mention how it is so hard with partner in all of this just does his thing after kicking butt in his goal race for the year and maintains all aspects of order.  One would hope that would encourage but on many days it did the complete opposite.  I felt like he was taking pity runs with me but I had to get that out of my head and let him help me find my way again.  That is what this whole life thing is about...not the big huge lofty goal that you think is number one, but all the smaller learning steps along the way.  The true people that come out of everywhere to check in on you when they see something isn't right and you just aren't you.

People are always asking...so what are you doing next.  Well...I am taking baby steps to get myself back into my fitness routine.  I am carving time out for my family and figuring how to go back to be a working mom.  I am taking responsibility for my actions and my non actions and re-righting the ship.  I am accepting that none of this is going to happen overnight.  I am accepting that I need help and encouragement when I probably don't really want it.  I am accepting that things that were once easy are really damn hard.  I am accepting that who I was before does not lessen who I am now.  I am accepting that change can happen and will happen when you let it happen.  

My mom keeps asking if I am okay.  I always answer her with yes, just exhausted.  I would dare to wager that most of you reading this are okay but exhausted.  I don't know how to slow the spinning plates without them breaking, I don't know how to not over commit ourselves to things for ourselves and our families.  I am okay, I will work through this and I will be stronger for it.  I know that my journey is similar in many ways to yours and we all find a way of getting there.  Thank you all for being the supportive group of people that you are, knowing when to check in, encourage and most importantly...continue to inspire.

Embrace the suck...choose you...re-right the ship.

I just don't care

This year has proven to be a challenge for me both mentally and physically.  As I stand on rooftops shouting how I must be strong for everyone around me I had a blip in the sequence and for a little while I just didn't care.  It is so hard to keep everything on track and keep pushing forward so for a few weeks I said I just don't care.  Another injury crept in on me, my motivation starting to head south, and the holidays were all around so I just let myself enjoy the time, the friends, the food and drink.  I am well aware of all the choices I was making, well aware of their consequences and well aware that I could have made smarter choices and still had just as much fun...but I just didn't care.

It is so easy to let a day pass and just not care, to not worry about your health or maintenance or welfare....it is so easy to be caught in the moment and let the excuses flow as to why it's okay.  My four kids are cared for every day...I make sure they are on target and have all the things they need.  I try my best after caring for them to make sure I care for my husband and be the partner that I said I would be 16 years ago.  Then there is the community and the schools and the sports and the friends and the house and the list is so long and so tiring and exhausting and daunting.  And as some people become energized by this list others just don't care and find it all too much.  There are times that it is too much for me.  Days that I spend in sweats and snuggled up on the couch and watch a lot of movies with my kiddos.  I kind of shut off my sense of caring and just turn off from all the needs of everyone.  I know that this is okay...and I can't be everything to everyone every day...but I truly believe that if we care for ourselves just a little bit each day...the rest comes a little bit easier.

The energy I sustain after a workout or sometimes even just being around others and talking about upcoming races gets me going.  It makes me want to do more, it makes me want to care about the little stuff.  I can go days not doing a project of any kind in the house and after a good workout I am cleaning stuff out of closets and drawers left and right.  I know that I can't be "up" all the time but I do know that a workout is definitely a way to help get me there.

When I am in the dreary days and I tell myself I just don't care...it is truly a lie.  I do care, I do give a sh$t.  I do want to do better, I do want more, and the most frustrating part is that I am in charge of that change.  That is why on those days it is easier to just not care about what effects you most directly.  We need to stop taking the easy way out.  We care about feeling good, about being a better partner, mom, friend and part of the community.  Shutting ourselves out is not the answer.  Finding a  person or five that you can reach out to when you need that boost is what it is about.  A walk through the neighborhood to talk about the things you care about most, help prioritize how you can tackle the big obstacle you put in front of yourself, turn the careless behavior into drive and desire.  

So when I find myself saying I don't care...I am now quickly following it up with "yes you do...you are just scared, or lazy, or nervous, or lacking the motivation.  You can do this"  We collectively need to start caring more.  There are LOTS of crazy things going on now and we need to care more than ever.  I think we all need to start with proper self care and knowing that the hard is possible.  We are worthy of many great things, and knowing  you are able to help yourself get those things is most important.  It is not about relying on someone else to care for you...you have to want it, you have to care, you have to give a sh$t.  

So I challenge you today...I challenge you to care a little more, to pay serious attention to the choices you make knowing the outcome you will receive.  Care for you first.  We can't help others if we are not whole.  Be the true you, stop the excuses, care more then ever before.

Embrace the suck...choose you...be yourself. 

the climb to the hill

I was driving out of my neighborhood the other day which requires a small climb up a hill to then turn and coast down hill a bit.  Once we turned the car sounded less angry and struggling and was just enjoying the easy section of the road.  Next up another small incline to get up the bigger hill to finally get out of the neighborhood.  As I have finally had my "over the hill" day arrive I have realized that the hill is still a bit of a climb.  

These past forty years have passed so very quickly.  I still feel like a teenager who apparently has a husband, four children, and my own home.  I go through each day making sure everyone's boxes are checked and things are prepped and ready for the next adventure.  I try my best to find time with my husband and children individually. I would think that each of these years that have passed are so memorable and I could pin point a moment at any given time...for some reason they all blend together.  I see the pop ups on social media of what happened a year ago or five and I can't believe I can't remember the details of that moment.  Every time my kids speak and say something that makes me smile or bring a tear to my eye and flutter to my heart, I feel like I will forever remember that. The truth is...I don't...time passes too quickly.

So I have made it over the hill but I feel like I still have a lot more mountain to climb before I get to the top.  I look at this world I have created and enjoy the little moments and savor them on this given day.  I am thankful for the thousands of  pictures I take and share of my family and friends because these reminders of the magical times are so worth it.  This climb to the top of the hill is not a solo trip.  It is filled with laughter and sadness, strength and weakness but with so many others that make it so very worth it.  The company one keeps makes the adventure so much more...and I thank you for that.

I have been listening to music this morning and it is filled with songs of my past, Counting Crows-Round Here, The Cure-Pictures of You, DMB-Crash, Cyndi Lauper-Time after Time, Goo Goo Dolls-Iris, Pearl Jam-Breath, James Taylor-Fire and Rain, Coldplay-Fix You, Sinead OConner-Nothing Compares to You, Phil Collins-In the Air Tonight, Lynrd Skynyrd-Simple Man, Elton John-Rocket Man, George Michael-Faith, Tom Petty-WildFlowers, Blind Melon-No Rain, The Clash-Should I Stay or Should I Go, Modest Mouse-Float On, and my most recent obsession...Judah &the Lion-Suit and Jacket.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AigOUsOEhSY

Music is probably one of my favorite things... I always have it on and pretty much will listen to anything, except country (sorry.)  Just like those time hops on facebook...that song takes me right back to that special moment and I can smell the beach air,  see the smiles on my college roommates faces as we danced in the hall, and remember smooching with my husband then boyfriend as we were out on a date.  I see my kids doing silly dance parties while kicking leftover birthday balloons.  I hear them sing songs blasting out Have You Ever Seen the Rain...and being on the shores of Kona hearing Sky Full of Stars.  

So as I coast a bit as I am atop of one of the many hills still in front of me...I will enjoy this weekend and all the people in it.  I will snuggle up to my kids as they still let me.  I will remember the birthday parties I had as a kiddo filled with english muffin pizzas, karaoke machines, teddy bears and craft centers making sunhats with flowers to hang up in my flower wall paper covered bedroom.  I wear my 21st birthday necklace my parents gave me every day...I now understand that fact that your children are your treasure.  I remember my aunts, uncles and cousins with me celebrating together and having chicken parm for dinner more than likely.  I wish there was more pictures of all of that...or maybe not...I did have a perm in fourth grade!

So yes I am 40 today and it pretty much feels like any other day other than the large amount of orange balloons and streamers and HUGE ORANGE 40 hanging in the front hall.  I do believe that the best is still yet to come.  The crazy baby years are slowing creeping out of sight and my growing children are turning into teenagers and little people are in full force.  I am still 18 right?? Time with my hubby will become more special and a long time coming...just us doing things for us...will feel kinda crazy.

Thank you all for your support and well wishes.  Thank you for letting me share my journey and for being a part of it on every level.  I hope I can continue to inspire and motivate on a few different levels...I hope that my oversharing sometimes brings a smile to your face or a tear to your cheek.  Today, I am going to just keep calm and forty on!

Embrace the suck...choose you...keep climbing the hill!

Where I was...where I am...where I want to be

The new year is upon us all and with that comes all these big goals we are setting for ourselves.  I feel like I am just brushing off the exhaustion that came with the holidays...starting back in October and trying my best to look at this new year with a clear lens.  I am trying to tell myself that now is the time, now is the time to flip the switch, I did this before I should easily be able to do this again.

1997...when we began

I tend to find myself looking to the past for what I was able to do.  As soon as I do that I immediately look to the future as to what can I do now to try and top what I did before?!?!  With all that head turning of where I came from to where I want to be...I tend to find myself not looking at the now.  The now is where I need to put my attention.  The day in day out doldrums need the attention and the love.  When we focus on the now those future goals come and we are just prepared.  It's not a scary thing, it is not overwhelming, it is what we have been working for a little bit each day for the last however long!

my first sprint tri

I think with endurance sports there is the constant need for wanting to out do yourself and your peers.  I have found myself in that circle of wanting more, pushing more, and needing to be the best I can be.  When I step back from that I realize that I am trying to be better than I was...when I am pretty great at that moment too.  In my time of training, competing against me, wanting to be faster and stronger...I think I might have lost my view into the big picture.  These two back to back injuries have made me stop and not look left or right but look at the right now.  I can't be like how I was or how I feel like I want to become if I am losing sight of what I am right now.  My running has come to a near standstill.  I have had to do very remedial exercises with tears rolling down my cheeks.  The tears are both pain and anger.  Pushing too much is not always a good thing.

NJ Marathon 2016

I have found myself scrolling my feed in the past and seeing pictures of me at races or after an amazing run, and I find myself bumming out.  I am wanting to be that girl again...I am wanting what I was three years ago.  To say that ship has sailed wouldn't be fair...I do think I am still capable of great things, but I think I need to re-evaluate my definition of great.  2018 will be my 40th year on this spinning ball...every day is a chance for me to make myself stronger.  I need to stop the self comparisons and focus on the now.  BQ and making the cut is still my dream...and it will happen but I think 2018 will be a year of strength and overall health.   I am not going to try and log 2000 plus miles in the year.  I am going to try and find the balance of strength and endurance and inner peace...I think that may be harder than running 2000 miles...but I am pretty sure hard is possible.

My Why

I will keep going with goals and having fitness and healthy choices be a part of my day in and day out life.  I will sign up again for some crazy race and run all the miles to get there safely.  I will get up at crazy hours to fit things into the schedule of my party of six.  I will keep smiling and try to share kindness with those around me.  And as my kids say...I will continue to talk to strangers about all sorts of things.  If you see me out and about and it's been awhile I will probably give you a hug...it's what I do.  I will try to stop spinning and focus on the now...and hope more of you are a part of it.

Embrace the suck...choose you...figure out where you are.