Wednesday, May 10, 2017

What I am no is my day.

For the past three years I have trained for a spring marathon and I find a way of not closely watching what I am eating because I am so hungry from all the running!  I choose to not deprive myself and generally a few weeks post race I am up a few more pounds than I would like to be.  I know the tools I have in my back pocket to get myself back on track, I know certain foods that are my triggers, I know water is key to my overall success, I know the workout portion of the equation is the easier part for me...I know, I know, I know.  So much easier said then done.

seems like forever ago
But I also know this.  I am not the girl I was three years ago, two years ago and most definitely not 15 years ago.  I know today that those girls were great girls, girls I am very proud of, girls in that moment were rocking it and so very, very strong.  We all know things change and change is not a sign of weakness.  Change is the space within that allows us to grow and find something even better than what was there before.  I used to step on my scale every morning and hope that the number was where I wanted to be and then count the hours until the next time to step on the scale.  I was most definitely driven by the number.  Now I step on the scale but it is more of a weekly occurrence and one I am okay with the is my gauge.

Today is my day, not yesterday, not last week, not last year.  Every morning that I wake up I tell myself today is my day.  I cannot wrap myself up in a pity party looking at old pictures of me when I was 15 lbs lighter and in laser focus.  Today is the day that I get to make the choice of what I am going to do with me, and not have it be such a narrow view.  There is so much more to this journey than a number on a scale, so much more than how I look or don't look in a bathing suit.  At the end of the day I am the only one that is holding myself to some standard.  I am not saying to lower my standard, but to understand that you can only do what you are capable of at a given time.

me and my love bug
Life is beautiful and wonderful and joyful but my gosh is it also stressful, hurtful and dark at times too.  Any day can bring a mix of all those feelings and more and you cannot hold yourself to some crazy high standard of...that is what I used to be and I am nothing if I cannot be her again.  That is BS!  My littlest is in his mommy love stage right now.  His eyes light up when he sees me in the morning as he runs across the room to give me a hug, he asks me to snuggle with him at night before he falls asleep, he sees me put on human clothes and tells me how beautiful I am even without properly washed hair or makeup, he fills me up everyday with so much love I can't do much more than try to hug him extra tight and kiss him till he tells me to stop.  To think that I am anything less than wonderful because I can't fit into the dress that I bought 3 years ago to wear to Ben's work party would be so very wrong.  This girl right here is strong, driven, determined, loving and those qualities don't disappear if a number on the scale changes or I run a slower mile.  Don't get me wrong...I know I feel better when I am eating healthier and getting my proper sleep but I also know that I am not less of a person when that doesn't happen.  

I know I put a lot out there and it probably seems like I am spewing rainbows all day long.  I want you to know that I spew rainbows because I truly feel rainbows...I feel like if I can make someone's day a little bit better than that is a good day.  It feels good to make someone smile, it feels good to thank people for the little things, it feels good to be a good human being.  We all rush all day long to get to the next thing and stay focused on our goal...glad we have goals but don't forget other people do as well, can be a huge part in them making it to that goal if you give them some of your time.  Lift your head, smile at a stranger, thank someone for the service they provide, remember, this is them trying to make today their day too!

Embrace the suck...choose is your day!

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