Friday, March 18, 2016

Leave your past behind you

This week was a tough one for me.  I was down on myself for many things...the list is long...kid guilt, messy house, not feeling it with my training, rundown, and just all and all overwhelmed.  I was sitting alone at a table for one and throwing myself a big ol pity party!  I don't usually make myself feel like I can do it all but when things just start falling out of line I sometimes beat myself up and do not cut myself any slack.

My Wednesday was the pinnacle of the pity party...didn't want to run, my foot was bothering me and I just felt so crappy.  I talked myself into running half of my run before my preschooler was dropped home and finished up the run while she and her little brother had a picnic in the driveway while I did laps on our street.  The weather was HOT and the sun was shining through and it just felt so good.  My kiddos would cheer as soon as I came into eyesight and then would fade out...then back in full force...GO MOMMY GO...GO MOMMY GO...GO RUNNER GO.  When their little voices faded out it made me a bit teary.  They were fully vested in cheering me through these five miles.  I received high fives on the passes by them and it really pulled me out of my slump.

We headed to the rec center for a swim lesson for my preschooler...we were heading home and all was great.  She did a great job in her class...really using those arms and kicking those legs...and the little guy was doing great with his potty stuff even at the rec center...big stuff for little people.  We were was blown dry by the hand dryer, a kid favorite activity...and as we do every single time we leave the rec center...I opened the door as we "roll out."  

Today my little man rounded that corner and slipped...just as I was opening the door to head out...and sure enough those two objects collided at a high rate of speed!  I'll spare you the bloody details but 16 stitches later on a little three year old forehead ...we are on the mend.

That night after I put everyone to bed...and was finishing my celebratory beer while making lunches for the kids...I lost it.  I was so tired, I was so happy he was okay, I was so sad that I didn't pay closer attention to what I was doing, I was upset that I didn't make sure my preschooler was okay while I was taking care of my little buddy, I was trying to figure out if I was making him run in the locker room, telling him we were late or something...I was trying to finally put all those pieces back together in the quiet of my empty, dish filled kitchen.

My husband then came home from his night of coaching and saw me my mess...and assured me as I needed to hear...that it was an accident...could happen at any point...I am a good mother...and although I feel like all these crazy things happen when they are with me...that is true...but it's not because of's because they are kids, being kids and I am their loving and supportive mom that is right there to catch them when they fall.

So often we sit back and look at what happened...what we could have done different.  We compare ourselves with former versions of ourselves.  We expect because we did something once we must be able to do it again...and better!  We need to cut ourselves a break!  The past is a scary place to lurk and hold ourselves to.  We learn from what we did and move on.  You can't change can't relive it...but we can embrace it...use it for life lessons but do NOT guilt yourself with it.  

My little buddy will more than likely walk with a bit more care next week when we get back to the pool for swim lessons.  I will be sure in the future to check in with my other kiddos when I am dealing with a crisis and they are left in the wings of the situation.  We all learned from a very very scary situation.  I will no longer throw myself table for one pity parties...I will be okay and every day does not have to be perfect.  I can't hold myself to past versions of myself but only work on the Julie that is here now in the present.  Be proud of the you in the moment...and learn from the past you...they made you get to be this awesome person you are today!

Embrace the suck...choose you...and leave the past behind you.

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