Leave your past behind you

This week was a tough one for me.  I was down on myself for many things...the list is long...kid guilt, messy house, not feeling it with my training, rundown, and just all and all overwhelmed.  I was sitting alone at a table for one and throwing myself a big ol pity party!  I don't usually make myself feel like I can do it all but when things just start falling out of line I sometimes beat myself up and do not cut myself any slack.

My Wednesday was the pinnacle of the pity party...didn't want to run, my foot was bothering me and I just felt so crappy.  I talked myself into running half of my run before my preschooler was dropped home and finished up the run while she and her little brother had a picnic in the driveway while I did laps on our street.  The weather was HOT and the sun was shining through and it just felt so good.  My kiddos would cheer as soon as I came into eyesight and then would fade out...then back in full force...GO MOMMY GO...GO MOMMY GO...GO RUNNER GO.  When their little voices faded out it made me a bit teary.  They were fully vested in cheering me through these five miles.  I received high fives on the passes by them and it really pulled me out of my slump.

We headed to the rec center for a swim lesson for my preschooler...we were heading home and all was great.  She did a great job in her class...really using those arms and kicking those legs...and the little guy was doing great with his potty stuff even at the rec center...big stuff for little people.  We were showered...hair was blown dry by the hand dryer, a kid favorite activity...and as we do every single time we leave the rec center...I opened the door as we "roll out."  

Today my little man rounded that corner and slipped...just as I was opening the door to head out...and sure enough those two objects collided at a high rate of speed!  I'll spare you the bloody details but 16 stitches later on a little three year old forehead ...we are on the mend.

That night after I put everyone to bed...and was finishing my celebratory beer while making lunches for the kids...I lost it.  I was so tired, I was so happy he was okay, I was so sad that I didn't pay closer attention to what I was doing, I was upset that I didn't make sure my preschooler was okay while I was taking care of my little buddy, I was trying to figure out if I was making him run in the locker room, telling him we were late or something...I was trying to finally put all those pieces back together in the quiet of my empty, dish filled kitchen.

My husband then came home from his night of coaching and saw me there...in my mess...and assured me as I needed to hear...that it was an accident...could happen at any point...I am a good mother...and although I feel like all these crazy things happen when they are with me...that is true...but it's not because of me...it's because they are kids, being kids and I am their loving and supportive mom that is right there to catch them when they fall.

So often we sit back and look at what happened...what we could have done different.  We compare ourselves with former versions of ourselves.  We expect because we did something once we must be able to do it again...and better!  We need to cut ourselves a break!  The past is a scary place to lurk and hold ourselves to.  We learn from what we did and move on.  You can't change it...you can't relive it...but we can embrace it...use it for life lessons but do NOT guilt yourself with it.  

My little buddy will more than likely walk with a bit more care next week when we get back to the pool for swim lessons.  I will be sure in the future to check in with my other kiddos when I am dealing with a crisis and they are left in the wings of the situation.  We all learned from a very very scary situation.  I will no longer throw myself table for one pity parties...I will be okay and every day does not have to be perfect.  I can't hold myself to past versions of myself but only work on the Julie that is here now in the present.  Be proud of the you in the moment...and learn from the past you...they made you get to be this awesome person you are today!

Embrace the suck...choose you...and leave the past behind you.

A path back to my old self

A friend wrote to me yesterday saying that she was losing herself...that she was doing all the wrong things and picking up her old habits.  She was slowly gaining back a pound or so a month and she was feeling horrible on both the inside and the outside.  Her pants were now noticeably tighter and she was not wanting to work out because she was ashamed of the weight she had gained.  She felt like she just wanted to throw in the towel because that was easier.  Wow do I know all of those things well.

As I started up the messaging conversation with "Jane" I was sharing my same current struggle..I still know every day what it feels like to not be feeling like your best and strongest self.  I know the days of self doubt which only make staying the course and pushing yourself back on track seem near impossible.  I know how easy it is to let those six pounds appear and know the fear that they will quickly double in numbers...and be twelve.  The thing is...it is not about the number...but again...numbers are everywhere...and when we start to feel sluggish and things just don't seem to fit right and we are feeling low...sometimes we turn to the scale and there it is.  

I am not sitting her saying that you need to let the scale rule you...but you know...let's be honest...that when those numbers creep up out of our comfort zone we are not a happier person, we don't feel like shining.  I wish I knew the magic solution to get us turned back around...to make us believe in our self again...to trust in the process...to accept that progress can be slow...to know that bad days happen and you can't let that be the norm.

As I have been avoiding the scale since I was crushing things a few weeks back...I am easily up five pounds.  Yup...I was feeling so good with all my process that I forgot one major aspect of this whole journey...exercise is NOT everything!  I can run till my heart is content and my quads are burning...but I cannot just eat everything in sight.  I can not rummage through the kitchen grabbing skittles and Hershey kisses from the kids valentine's goodies and not think they will count.  I cannot go to choir practice for the kiddos and eat two large chocolate cookies after I was so careful to bring my own healthy dinner of sweet potatoes, ground turkey, avocado, tomatoes and cheese.  I went through all that effort and then my mind lost it.

My advice to Jane was nothing profound.  It basically was this...don't give up on you.  You know that once you start getting yourself into that better place you won't want to stop the effort, that thing that drives you everyday will be there, the progress will start rolling and you will not want to quit on you.  But the hardest part is that you need to consciously make the decision that you want to make that change.  You can't just think that it would be great to be x, compete in x, feel more like you a little bit more every day. You need to accept the fact that a change is needed, and that you are willing to do the work and put forth BIG effort.  You need to have a whole body commitment, body and mind, no sneaking, no excuses, no pity party and then the success will come.  Being in a place where you don't want to be is not a time to give up but a time to start again. 

So let's start fresh...it's the third month of 2016...time to dust off our resolutions and see what we can tackle as the weather starts to warm up and we plan things for spring and summer!  Let's get in charge of our minds and together we can conquer our body and kick butt this month.  Now is the time...no reason to say no...every reason to say yes.

Embrace the suck...choose you...you go this!