the climb to the hill

I was driving out of my neighborhood the other day which requires a small climb up a hill to then turn and coast down hill a bit.  Once we turned the car sounded less angry and struggling and was just enjoying the easy section of the road.  Next up another small incline to get up the bigger hill to finally get out of the neighborhood.  As I have finally had my "over the hill" day arrive I have realized that the hill is still a bit of a climb.  

These past forty years have passed so very quickly.  I still feel like a teenager who apparently has a husband, four children, and my own home.  I go through each day making sure everyone's boxes are checked and things are prepped and ready for the next adventure.  I try my best to find time with my husband and children individually. I would think that each of these years that have passed are so memorable and I could pin point a moment at any given time...for some reason they all blend together.  I see the pop ups on social media of what happened a year ago or five and I can't believe I can't remember the details of that moment.  Every time my kids speak and say something that makes me smile or bring a tear to my eye and flutter to my heart, I feel like I will forever remember that. The truth is...I don't...time passes too quickly.

So I have made it over the hill but I feel like I still have a lot more mountain to climb before I get to the top.  I look at this world I have created and enjoy the little moments and savor them on this given day.  I am thankful for the thousands of  pictures I take and share of my family and friends because these reminders of the magical times are so worth it.  This climb to the top of the hill is not a solo trip.  It is filled with laughter and sadness, strength and weakness but with so many others that make it so very worth it.  The company one keeps makes the adventure so much more...and I thank you for that.

I have been listening to music this morning and it is filled with songs of my past, Counting Crows-Round Here, The Cure-Pictures of You, DMB-Crash, Cyndi Lauper-Time after Time, Goo Goo Dolls-Iris, Pearl Jam-Breath, James Taylor-Fire and Rain, Coldplay-Fix You, Sinead OConner-Nothing Compares to You, Phil Collins-In the Air Tonight, Lynrd Skynyrd-Simple Man, Elton John-Rocket Man, George Michael-Faith, Tom Petty-WildFlowers, Blind Melon-No Rain, The Clash-Should I Stay or Should I Go, Modest Mouse-Float On, and my most recent obsession...Judah &the Lion-Suit and Jacket.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AigOUsOEhSY

Music is probably one of my favorite things... I always have it on and pretty much will listen to anything, except country (sorry.)  Just like those time hops on facebook...that song takes me right back to that special moment and I can smell the beach air,  see the smiles on my college roommates faces as we danced in the hall, and remember smooching with my husband then boyfriend as we were out on a date.  I see my kids doing silly dance parties while kicking leftover birthday balloons.  I hear them sing songs blasting out Have You Ever Seen the Rain...and being on the shores of Kona hearing Sky Full of Stars.  

So as I coast a bit as I am atop of one of the many hills still in front of me...I will enjoy this weekend and all the people in it.  I will snuggle up to my kids as they still let me.  I will remember the birthday parties I had as a kiddo filled with english muffin pizzas, karaoke machines, teddy bears and craft centers making sunhats with flowers to hang up in my flower wall paper covered bedroom.  I wear my 21st birthday necklace my parents gave me every day...I now understand that fact that your children are your treasure.  I remember my aunts, uncles and cousins with me celebrating together and having chicken parm for dinner more than likely.  I wish there was more pictures of all of that...or maybe not...I did have a perm in fourth grade!

So yes I am 40 today and it pretty much feels like any other day other than the large amount of orange balloons and streamers and HUGE ORANGE 40 hanging in the front hall.  I do believe that the best is still yet to come.  The crazy baby years are slowing creeping out of sight and my growing children are turning into teenagers and little people are in full force.  I am still 18 right?? Time with my hubby will become more special and a long time coming...just us doing things for us...will feel kinda crazy.

Thank you all for your support and well wishes.  Thank you for letting me share my journey and for being a part of it on every level.  I hope I can continue to inspire and motivate on a few different levels...I hope that my oversharing sometimes brings a smile to your face or a tear to your cheek.  Today, I am going to just keep calm and forty on!

Embrace the suck...choose you...keep climbing the hill!

Where I was...where I am...where I want to be

The new year is upon us all and with that comes all these big goals we are setting for ourselves.  I feel like I am just brushing off the exhaustion that came with the holidays...starting back in October and trying my best to look at this new year with a clear lens.  I am trying to tell myself that now is the time, now is the time to flip the switch, I did this before I should easily be able to do this again.

1997...when we began

I tend to find myself looking to the past for what I was able to do.  As soon as I do that I immediately look to the future as to what can I do now to try and top what I did before?!?!  With all that head turning of where I came from to where I want to be...I tend to find myself not looking at the now.  The now is where I need to put my attention.  The day in day out doldrums need the attention and the love.  When we focus on the now those future goals come and we are just prepared.  It's not a scary thing, it is not overwhelming, it is what we have been working for a little bit each day for the last however long!

my first sprint tri

I think with endurance sports there is the constant need for wanting to out do yourself and your peers.  I have found myself in that circle of wanting more, pushing more, and needing to be the best I can be.  When I step back from that I realize that I am trying to be better than I was...when I am pretty great at that moment too.  In my time of training, competing against me, wanting to be faster and stronger...I think I might have lost my view into the big picture.  These two back to back injuries have made me stop and not look left or right but look at the right now.  I can't be like how I was or how I feel like I want to become if I am losing sight of what I am right now.  My running has come to a near standstill.  I have had to do very remedial exercises with tears rolling down my cheeks.  The tears are both pain and anger.  Pushing too much is not always a good thing.

NJ Marathon 2016

I have found myself scrolling my feed in the past and seeing pictures of me at races or after an amazing run, and I find myself bumming out.  I am wanting to be that girl again...I am wanting what I was three years ago.  To say that ship has sailed wouldn't be fair...I do think I am still capable of great things, but I think I need to re-evaluate my definition of great.  2018 will be my 40th year on this spinning ball...every day is a chance for me to make myself stronger.  I need to stop the self comparisons and focus on the now.  BQ and making the cut is still my dream...and it will happen but I think 2018 will be a year of strength and overall health.   I am not going to try and log 2000 plus miles in the year.  I am going to try and find the balance of strength and endurance and inner peace...I think that may be harder than running 2000 miles...but I am pretty sure hard is possible.

My Why

I will keep going with goals and having fitness and healthy choices be a part of my day in and day out life.  I will sign up again for some crazy race and run all the miles to get there safely.  I will get up at crazy hours to fit things into the schedule of my party of six.  I will keep smiling and try to share kindness with those around me.  And as my kids say...I will continue to talk to strangers about all sorts of things.  If you see me out and about and it's been awhile I will probably give you a hug...it's what I do.  I will try to stop spinning and focus on the now...and hope more of you are a part of it.

Embrace the suck...choose you...figure out where you are.