Lots of little steps

298 days...I have been recording my food and exercise for two hundred and ninety eight days.  For some people that seems obsessive and a bit much-I am one of those people.  It seems that the daily routine of managing it all, weighing and measuring and ensuring movement is a part of the day-is a lot...how can there be time for all of these steps.  

I don't know that I have the time to do this, but I know that when I don't for me, it becomes a free for all.  There is no acknowledgement of what I am trying to accomplish, the goals are far in the distance and any desire to push forward towards something disseminates.  Races used to be my driving force for movement, and when tracking my food I would use certain meals as rewards for my efforts.  I also learned for me, that again leads to bad things.   My relationship with food is a strained one, one I have to handle with care.  I am sure I could unpack how this happened over the years, how my love all things sweet and second servings of the savory just happen too easily, but going to let that lie for a bit more.  How I can be in the moment and know that things are about to get tricky but I walk right into the fire anyway.

Over all these attempts of getting back on the horse, that I inevidently keep losing, I always start with the exercise portion of things thinking that is the solution knowing full well that my intake is where I need to focus.  This last go round it has been a full shift, I truly understand what I need to do to fuel my body, I continue to find new ways to keep up my protein goals and am luckily very content with eating the same thing for lunch every day.  Mediterranean Chicken Salad for the win!

It is really hard to sit with yourself in that moment and say, I am the problem here and I have the power to make the change...and then find it within yourself to actually do it.  

I still almost 10 months later have to make that choice daily.  The more I make the choice and go through my routine, the less effort it requires.  It becomes less of an action and more of the norm. The more I surround myself with people that understand and accept this yet again new approach to my meal prep and exercise routine, the less out of place I feel.  It is a quiet journey at times, one that you hope will make a difference in the end.  Looking back at pictures from last year at this time, I knew I was headed to a tough place, showing my kids, they don't even remember me that way.  And in the end of all the effort and planning, that is really what is most important.  Be with those that love and support you no matter what because even when you are on the upswing, you will fall again, you will need the people by your side, to support you while you make the decision to change and improve yourself.

No one can make a person decide to do any of this.  My alarm going over in the dark of morning is my choice.  Waking up earlier than normal to ensure I fit a run in on a busy day is a choice.  Everything is within my reach and I have to choose to make it a reality.  We live in a time where most things are at fingertips reach, instant gratification.  Putting forth the effort for results that may or may not come in 6 months time...doesn't seem worth it at the start.  I promised myself to be a good mother and wife to my family and knowing full well the version I am today, although at times may need a nap, is the best version I can be.  

PS-I also stopped weighing myself daily.  Sure the weight is a factor but this time it is about my fitness and movement, how clothes feel on my body, not the plus and minus of a number within two days that will then put me into a tailspin of restriction and limitations or excess exercise.  It's a delicate balance all of this, one that is not an easy conversation to just have with someone when you feel like, I am in a crappy place and not sure I have the strength to pull myself out.  The action of talking about it is great, the acknowledgment of wanting something different for yourself also awesome.  It is the oh so very difficult followup steps that are the hardest.  It is the daily affirmation for yourself to believe in yourself and find the energy to put it all together.

This really is a random brain dump of my thoughts today, if you read them thank you, if they inspire you to take a next hard step, amazing, if you are mid journey and questioning if all the work is worth it-it is!  Find what works for you and stick with it.  Let the other people have their journey in their way, let other people have success and celebrate them, let you continue to find your way and stay the course!  Smile and be you with those who love you!

Embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible.