Five years ago I found myself in a tough place physically and mentally and found a passion for running again. I found myself in a focused, determined, force to be reckoned with kind of way. I had a mission and I got there, I shared the journey with anyone who would listen and tried to have a great balance of life, fitness and family. I did this and I did it well. I found myself getting stronger and faster and really LOVING my running...it had awoken my soul. I tried to qualify for Boston and missed, and then I tried again and I DID it! I came home on race day to a driveway full of framily! That is not a typo...so many friends that I consider to be my family and are still so important to me now. They were there to celebrate this feat that I had trained my butt off for.
September 2017 I found out that even though I had qualified I would not be running my dream marathon. That killed me. Being that this is an honest entry...it still kills me. I didn't know how badly I really wanted that until I was told I couldn't have it. I ran Army ten miler that year, humid and hot as can be and wasn't into it...I did a few more races leading into 2018 but just wasn't loving running, it hurt my head, my body and my heart. I stopped wanting to do it. I developed a mortons neruoma in right foot, read HORRIBLE FOOT PAIN, that limited my running. I turned 40 in January of 2018...I just started to slow down and everything around me kept marching on.
I went back to work semi full time in March of 2018 and now was needing to balance those hours outside of the house into our family's mix. I still was coaching the school running club, two field hockey teams and supporting my other kiddos in their actives. I am not going to say we were over scheduled because how we were operating is the norm. Four kids is practically equal to 4 times the carpooling and logistics coordination. We were busy....very very busy. I was pushing running away because it was easier than trying to fit it in. Summer came, hubby and I managed our local swim team and the days where I would wake up early to get my run in before the meet on Saturday mornings were just gone. I stopped caring.
In all of this I also chose to stop sharing my thoughts here which for me is a huge release and gives me a sense of balance. I felt like there was no point in me sharing anything because I was failing and no one needed to hear that. My words of encouragement were lacking as they weren't even able to encourage me. Fall of '18 came and I threw myself into sports for the kids, work and finishing a project in the house. I ran Army ten miler again to get my 7th time done and I was hoping it would have lit a spark for me as that was my first race ever. Nothing. I just didn't want to run, so I didn't.
Again, this is not a pity party, this is just the facts, just me putting it out there that life happens and what was once your focus can quickly become out of focus. All this time I had become so laser focused on qualifying and I felt like I was let down. I felt like anything I said would had just been a lie because I was not living up to my own standards. Meanwhile I watched others march on with their success and balance and I was jealous. It was ugly and I removed myself from things I loved. I was not in a good place but it was a place I had put myself. It was one I needed to dig myself out of.
Well January came around again and here I am 41 and probably 30 pounds heavier in one year. I was stressed from my perceived failure, working again, and overall anxiety from the entire situation. I have heard that the 40s were tough but wow...this was a killer year!!
We are still busy as can be and a logistical nightmare but we are pushing through. My hubby has been amazing dealing with my crazy emotional roller coaster for the past 18 months. He is my cheerleader, my sounding board and my dose of reality. So thankful that he is as strong as he is metaphorically and physically...he has handled things when I just couldn't do it.
I focus on each day, one at time, and what is expected of me in that day. I try to stay ahead of what is coming and plan for the crazy. I try to find the time with myself, each of my kiddos and my hubby. I try to stay true to myself and be honest with what the reality of the situation is. I am going to bed earlier...that has been huge!! I stopped being focused on a goal and am now focusing on the journey of getting back into fitness again. All the other stuff will happen but now is time for meeting new people, developing new friendships, celebrating the amazing ones I have, challenging myself in new ways, and being excited about this new path. Where I land may be even better than were I was before.
Thank you for listening and thank you to my friends who have been so supportive of me as I found me again. You have done so much for me over this past year and a half and never stopping caring, checking in on me and nudging me along. I felt your love and am grateful for you all.
Choose you...embrace the suck...and don't worry...when we fall we get back up, be honest with yourself about why the fall happened and know you have a community around you to help always. xoxoxo
