Drive...or the lack there of

When I am on I am ON!!!  When I am off I am so very off.  I wish I could figure out what makes me want to keep it going...to stay that laser focused...to not even second guess a choice...to just operate on auto pilot.  I am not sure if it was my minor back injured that side lined me in October that kept me from running for three weeks...the first time ever that I was not doing anything.  It was weird...but at the same time it was great.  I felt like both my body and my mind needed a break.  I am back to running but it is harder than it has been in a while.  Food is still and will always be my main issue.  Running five miles on a given day is way easier than saying no to freshly made chocolate chip cookies.

So how do you find it...how do you believe in yourself again...how do you motivate you every day to get the train back on track.  I don't know.  There is no magic pill..there is no set amount of days of focus that suddenly you do it all in your sleep..yes I know the 21 day rule...but sometimes I wish it was 14 days.  Three years ago when I started all this I was a MACHINE.  I was so driven, so motivated, so laser focused.  That girl is still here but she is pretty far away from the girl that is here now.  I am okay with that...but maybe that is part of the problem for lack of a better word.  I know that hard work is the only way to become the person you want to be.  I know that it can't be talked about without execution...and wishing for it will get you no where.  I know how to work hard and I know what calling it in looks like...currently I am just calling it in.

My husband who I love...is ON!  He is training for a 100 mile ultra in April.  He is changing up his diet so that he can burn fat while on his 100 mile adventure and not need to fuel with carbohydrates...not sure what fat he is burning but I understand the whole keto system and how it works.  I know that he will drink beer, eat bread and french fries again...just not now.  I know that coconut oil will not be consumed in large vats and his meals will not consist of protein with a side of protein forever.  I watch him just do his training plan without thinking twice.  I watch him not eat oatmeal or cereal..two of his favorite things...I watched him not have stuffing or potatoes on thanksgiving...I am watching him work hard for his goal.

So maybe that's it.  Maybe I need that big scary goal to get my butt into gear.  Maybe I need to not live in a place that today's current temperature is 9 degrees with the wind chill.  Maybe I need to remember how much I love to have my workout done with first thing in the morning and suck up late night tv watching for a solid night's sleep.  I try to not think of my weight and exercise as something that I have to "control" but more of something that I have come to terms with as it becomes second nature and daily habit it stays in check.  The truth of that situation is things have highs and lows.  Runs have great days and bad days.  Food is on point or everything but the kitchen sink.  One cannot be on 365 days a year...but one also must remember to get back on the bus...before it runs you over.

The holidays are here and I am not going to let the cookie bus or Buddy the Elf run me over.  I am going to make the time...not find the time for my daily exercise.  I am going to stock my fridge with healthy choices and not just saltine toffee and fudge.  I am going to plan ahead...not what the day has in store and make sure I am prepped and ready.  I am going to engage friends for accountability...I am going to go on walks at night even after I may have done a run earlier in the day to reconnect, see the twinkle lights, and move my body again.  I am going to keep myself a priority despite the seasonal pulls all around me.  I am not going to freak out over everything and the fact that hubby can say he is done eating bread and actually stick with it!  Who does that...oh a driven, focused, goal oriented person.  I know that person exists within me too...just not right now...and that is okay.

Embrace the suck...choose you...find your drive!