everything is temporary

I didn't always stay home with my kids.  I worked at a few software companies in the area doing training, marketing and traveled a bit with trade shows.  It seems like so many worlds ago that I would rush through that morning routine to get my little ones up, fed and out the door to daycare while Ben and I rushed off to work.  We would often commute together as we were just a few blocks from each other and that was our together time.  As soon as we got home it was quick dinner, bath and bed for the little ones and we were quickly behind.

Routine ten years later is pretty much the same but instead Ben and I don't have the quality time commuting while listening to Raffi in bumper to bumper traffic.  We don't get a report listing out the daily activities that happened to the kids over the course of the day and I am less concerned on how many times they went potty.  I loved those days and I loved my job, the people I worked with, and bizarrely I loved that time with us together each morning and afternoon. Now we get to the school buses, I get to preschool as close to on time as I can, get my workouts in, volunteer as I can, and help with homework and then begin the sports run around with hopefully dinner on the table at some point.

I have been with Ben for 21 going on 22 years.  We were young to be married and young to start a family.  We knew that we were going to be six pack from the beginning and we knew we could tackle lots of challenges thrown our way from the very start.  Yes we bicker, argue, disagree and get genuinely frustrated with one another.  We however are pretty quick to move past that disagreement and instead join forces again to tackle the new day ahead.

Post 50 miler hug of thanks

Two weekends ago when I had a 50 mile ride in the training plan he came with me.  There was this moment when we were out west on the trail and doing an add on loop and the sun was rising and ahead was this huge ball of orange in the sky.  We passed cows and both mooed at them as we would when the kids are with us.  Pretty sure Ben even baaed like a sheep too.  It was a beautiful morning temperature wise and the scenery was at its best.  I for one moment thought to myself...this is what we do...this is us.

It is so strange how life just goes on without you even knowing it.  Things you thought you would never do can become so crucial to your daily existence.  Knowing that I was going to be a mother and a wife was always a sure thing.  Knowing I was going to be an athlete on a team with my husband literally through this journey was one thing I definitely did not know.  Our love of endurance sports is not all we are but it surely is one thing that allows us to connect to each other.  It is something that we both take a huge amount of pride in and can easily get worked up at each other's races when there supporting at a drop of a hat.  It is the moments that my six year old daughter hops off her chair after dinner and flexes her biceps to show her grandma how strong she is, I know our teamwork is creating more than a family.

Our oldest had his first tackle football game this weekend.  He played almost the entire game and I sat there without Ben next to me as he was away for a race weekend.  I wasn't nervous about our son playing and getting hurt.  I was so happy for him.  So happy that he finally is doing the thing he has wanted to try forever and he was loving every minute of it.  It was hard, tiring and bruises were had but he never stopped.  He did his best on that field with kids bigger than him and he held his own, and the line he was on...he played center!  His eyes looked up at me and I am not sure I have been more overcome with emotion at a sports game, well maybe in Kona with Ben last fall, but not at our kids games.  The desire, passion, and effort he showed for that entire game blew me away.  I was so bummed that Ben was not there to see him in this moment but from what I can tell, this is going to be a long season.

still smiling eyes

Ben got home late from his triple crazy as can be Spartan in West Virginia with our friend.  I didn't even get to debrief with him as I was asleep when he finally made it home.  He was exhausted and sore from the three races he completed in just a day and a half.  He showered and shaved and headed off to work this morning with little conversation as the routine was in full swing.  His ability to not ever stop is something that keeps me going.  Yes, I take naps, sometimes lots...but I keep going for this team I am on.  I keep pushing myself for me and for them.  I keep Team Graham moving forward, we keep this team moving forward.  I don't want to stop for myself and I don't want to stop for them.  Yes things are hard at times, they are messy, they are complicated but that moment is only temporary...much like our commute with Raffi being blasted and our oldest wearing his superhero underwear on his head.

When I look at my races and my times over the past few years...I wonder if I will ever be as fast as I once was, if I can manage a PR this time around.  Then I remember...it is all temporary, my speed, my slowness, my on point nutrition, my cookie filled binge...it is all temporary.  So I just keep going forward...forward progress is not temporary...it is the constant...the guarantee.  I keep chugging forward because going backwards is pointless...I have already been there...I want to see what I will get to enjoy in the future.  My six pack has so many highs and lows ahead of them...so many needs and wants...so many goals to strive for.  My job as their mom is to show them that I am right with them each step of the way...that Ben and I are a team in every sense of the word, and we will always be their number one supporter through every temporary desire.

So what is my point of these ramblings....you get to decide if you want to move forward or just stay stationary.  Even though everything is temporary...you are still the one that gets to choose.  You are the one that leads by example.  You will be so surprised who is listening, watching and learning from you.  Even if it is temporary...if you keep doing it...it becomes a part of you and is the constant.  Let the other things around you fall to be the temporary fixes...keep you as strong, as determined, and be the example.

embrace the suck...choose you...do the hard things.

The more things change the more they stay the same

summer crumb bun

This past weekend I went back to the jersey shore, not the one that they made ridiculous on MTV...but the jersey shore that I grew up on every summer for as long as I can remember.  So many things have changed along that coastline.  Buildings are no long there, homes were destroyed and rebuilt on stilts and bigger than ever, favorite places that house so many warm and fuzzy memories just are gone.  Three brothers pizza, colonial bakery, yummy soft bagels, taylor ham, a big jersey sized sub and of course so many members in my extended family still remain.

When you grow up in a family of my size the family lines tend to blend.  Cousins are like siblings and aunts and uncles are there with a smile and hug just like they were when you were six.  So many people that have known me my whole life are a part of that beach and although we only see each other once a year it is like things have never changed.  These soft blurred lines make me so happy and sad at the same time.

I wish I lived closer, I wish I saw these people more often, I wish I could just walk into their homes at any time and talk about the most randomness of things.  Families don't always have to like each other or agree but they do always have to love.  My kiddos felt nothing but love this weekend.  It was a welcome committee from the moment we arrived and continued up until we left yesterday afternoon.  We celebrated a cousin's engagement...the whole cycle gets to begin again as our family welcomes in another member and they begin their journey together.  

cousins

So although our time was short along that blue sea line and sandy shore we still managed to make memories and feel the love.  I still feel like I am sixteen when I walk the stone filled streets of our little shore town.  I see faces age, including mine, but my heart remains the same.  The surf still flips me over and gets sand all in my suit.  But now my aunts and uncles take my kiddos into the surf and teach them how to handle the waves.  I get to watch my kids make connections with a five block walk to their uncles house where ice cream was promised and a night of just talking and playing hide and seek in a new place.  They remember that a certain aunt always has Twizzlers while another has tootsie pops.  They innocently ask anyone and everyone to play Uno with them.  They are constantly out to make connections, share their love and make memories.   

Every time I head back to the shore I get emotional.  Time continues to pass and my kids get

more cousins

bigger and my husband and I still think we are just dating and spending a long weekend together just like we did way back when.  Our pictures of just the two of us in a b&w photo booth now are crammed with six faces together.  We didn't make it out to a quiet dinner for two but instead we had longer days on the beach surrounded by those we don't get to spend too much time with.  I took all those summers for granted and can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate and am beyond grateful for our visit even if it is a short one.  Family is family...can't change it but you gotta love it.  I loved every minute of this week with them and can't wait for another summer to come by in a blink of an eye.

I now know that these are the days to remember and they are limited. I know that I need to love the ones I am with and not be afraid to ask for help, encouragement or a place to lay my head.  I know that this is family.  Our last night at the beach we stayed up and enjoyed our final happy hour.   As we packed up there was this crazy cloud over head but still allowing the sun to shine down on us.  I think that is the perfect analogy to family.  They make sure your sun still shines out despite all the crazy clouds that sneak into our lives.  And this cloud just happened to be in the shape of a heart...coincidence...I think not.

Heart Cloud

Embrace the suck...choose you...enjoy the ones you are with.