Uphill vs Downhill

Sitting in doctor's office this morning, just a check up nothing crazy, I sat without my phone for 25 minutes waiting.  I stared out the window and saw these snowmen standing tall - on the top of the hill.

My first thought was, why would you make a snowman on the top of a hill???

It has been a minute since I have made a snowman but rolling the heavy weighted snow UP a tall hill would be a lot harder than rolling a snowball down a hill.  The amount of effort to bring that to the top just seemed like the wrong decision in the moment.

Then as I sat in the quiet looking out the window I thought more and more about uphill vs downhill.  When looking at races one of the first attributes you look at is the elevation.   Downhill is never really a concern because that seems like it would be welcomed as opposed to a steep uphill climb.  Those races that have so much uphill are so quickly to be ruled out, at least I did in the past.

When I think about my kids learning how to ride their bikes-the downhill scared the crap out of me...there is no control, fast into a curb or a tree or a person.  Visions of them flipping over the handlebars is all I can see.  Going uphill is the dreadful side to side slow motion biking but generally you can catch yourself before the fall happens and drop your foot to stop and balance.  It is more difficult and more labored.

No one would want to do the harder thing on purpose.  But when stepping back into my health journey yet again, I feel that the downhills are the places where I find myself getting into trouble.  I feel like I spiraled down faster without any chance to hit the breaks without flipping.  It may be the fastest way to get from point A to B but it is a blur.  It is me grabbing food mindlessly and bypassing a chance for a walk or a workout in the early morning. It is me making other things that are shiny and easy to grab more of a priority.  The downhill is something that I couldn't describe in any great detail because it just happened and I was barely a witness to it.

The harder path is the uphill.  You get winded and you have to pause as you continue the long ascent.  Often on a hike you find yourself pausing with others on the uphill and commiserating about the never ending uphill but closing the conversation with a bit of encouragement.  This journey again for me is all uphill.  My steps have to be properly calculated, prepping food and workouts and ensuring I am getting enough sleep and water.  I have to accept that this option will take longer and there will be moments where I want to turn and just go downhill to get it over with...but I have to just keep looking to the top of the hill.

I have this sign in our homework room, it's a perfect reminder for all of us on the daily. Just don't stop! I also need to give myself some grace that the breaks that I take on the uphill may be a day, a week or in this case a year or more.  Sometimes you have to throw yourself into the downhill to get to the bottom to take care of something else that is more shiny and needed at the time...but don't be afraid to tackle the uphill again.  

Embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible.

Bumpers everywhere...another Ragnar complete

Staying true to who you are at times can be hard.  I find that if I surround myself with those same like minded individuals the task becomes less daunting.  When I seem to lose the path they stand me up and act like bumpers at a bowling alley and do their best to get me down the center.  The question came months ago if I wanted to join our Ragnar team for yet another relay in the Pacific Northwest in July...and although I was not in the best physical shape or mental shape to make this happen, I knew that this team would be there to help me find the end of each of my legs.  Flights were booked and trip planning commenced and I had no sense of worry.

W&OD Trail at home

The weeks leading up to our adventure kept flying by as life is just busy.  I found time for a handful of runs but nothing that would make this trip an easy one.  The weekend before we left my one runner girl convinced me to go for a 9 mile run to make sure I knew I could complete it come relay day for my second leg at 6:30 am alone on Whidbey Island.  I had bumpers for this race before we even started.   Passed years we would all get together for a dinner to reconnect before the trip but life didn't let that happen this go round.  Our reunion was Wednesday night at our airport gate!  Three other friends would meet us in Washington but the larger contingency was ready to go!  Sights of Mount Rainier as we landed were just a taste of the beauty that would unfold in this amazing weekend away.

team selfie at Chilhuly Gardens

Flight was uneventful and arrival in Seattle late evening gave enough time to get to hotel and shower and get some much needed sleep, as we know in two days sound sleep will be non existent.  Thursday was spent exploring Seattle and all things that a true tourist would do!  We went to the top of the needle which looks much cooler in Grey's Anatomy than in real life!  PS-it also really reminded me of the sombrero at

south of the border!  We were able to take in all of the beautiful blown glass at the Chilhuly Garden, reminding me of something out of a Disney underwater feature and a Dr Seuss book.  We then headed to Pike Place Market to watch fish fly, lines gather outside of Starbucks number one and the sweetest freshest cherries ever.  A drive north after a morning of exploring to a sweet town of Bellingham where we had lots of fish tacos, cold beers and took in the sea air as we ate outside taking in the views of the small marina and the sunshine felt so good!  Did I mention no HUMIDITY!

Pike Place Market

Blaine WA
US/Canada Border

We drove to our hotel for the night, not our best stay to date but a final rest before the the relay began.  Race for our team started at 7am which had all 11 of us to the start line by 6:45 am and we explored the Canada/US Border in the town of Blaine.  Our first runner was out and something that we had done together annually since 2016, something that keeps us united as a team, something that we do to remind us that we can do hard things, was back in front of us after a really hard two years away from all things that made us feel whole.  It was so nice to feel the excitement that drew us to this event to begin with.  From what we had seen in just two days we knew these next 36 hours were going to unveil even more beauty that was just a drive away in

this amazing Pacific Northwest!  

Bellingham Bay

While we are one team we operate in two vans and we each take in different views along the way.  We spent some time walking raised paths along Bellingham Bay, realizing one of our runners was lucky enough to run there!  Every view was more beautiful than the next.  In our van, three of us live within the same neighborhood, the other three in three different states and one only knew me in the van.  We ran our legs starting at noon Friday, then again at midnight Saturday am and finally Saturday afternoon starting at noon.  We finished on Whidbey Island and had to ferry back over to the mainland to then get to our late flight out of Seattle to get us home early morning Sunday.  It always goes too quickly.

The conversations that are had throughout these hours together in the tight quarters of a hybrid Toyota minivan are plenty.  We start with a basic conversation and end of in a full out therapy session sharing possible solutions and very similar stories.  The bumpers of the bowling alley apply to more than just finding the finish of the leg you are running.  These women that I may only get to have this short amount of quality time with are so beautiful, strong, smart, sexy, brave, funny, and I am so lucky that I can call each of them a friend.  

Finish Line-NWP Ragnar Relay
Day Three

Space Needle Day One

Ragnar Relay is truly an experience like no other, it's not a race, it's not a weekend away, it's truly an excuse to remember that we are awesome ladies that continue to have the sense of adventure as we continue to take on all that life throws at us.  It reminds us that we will have bumpers around us in every possible way and we can always count on these girls for that no matter what happens between each race.  We have run these faster, fitter, in colder temps, in pouring rain and heat that doesn't give up. There are hills and valleys and flats that never end.  So much of life is mirrored in running.  I am beyond thankful that we gave this a go all those years ago and continue to want to push each other into potential uncomfortable situations.  Some may not see the sense of fun in staying awake for almost two days while running at random intervals in darkness and on crazy windy roads, to then do it again six hours later...it is so very worth.  Surround yourself with those that make sure you continue to do things that make you awesome!

so very true

Deception Pass

Embrace the suck...choose you...do hard things!

Something will be missing...and felt by all

I have been looking back over pictures as I begin to gather them for the impending celebrations that are coming faster than I could have ever of imagined.  I remember feeling like a pinball machine that just bounced from place to place getting all the things accomplished for my little people.  Caleb was my first little person.   I look at these pictures and barely recognize the mom that was making it all happen.   I was young, 26 years young and ready to take on all things mom.  I didn't think what needed to be done, I just did it.  

Packing every option of things that he may need at the park, meeting new people and hoping they would be our new friends that we could meet at the library or maybe a new to us park.  Playdates were not just for him.  Making starter conversation and trying to be the version of myself that other people would want to be with again, and hope my little buddy didn't pinch or bite their child!  All while making sure he didn't eat mulch or face plant when starting to walk and gaining that confidence to run.

To sit here now and think that this young man that is ready to leave once needed me for those things makes me shake my head in disbelief.  I probably did more than was needed for him and know that I continue to do more than he needs.  We raise these children to be independent, to make huge decisions, to be kind, have patience and enjoy themselves in these beginning years of their life.  Some friends we met all those years ago are not in our day to day life but we remain in touch and can easily reach out to each other and share the same story as they helped build those memories.  We continue to add new faces to our circle of friends and with that connections continue to grow and develop for more than just him. 

As I worried about equipping him with all the skills he needed to be the person he is today we have to continue to work on ourselves, sometimes losing sight of that, and then adding more people to the family to care for and ensure their path was laid before them.  Then allowing them to forge new paths, ones you didn't ever imagine they would go down, and then there are the paths that you knew they would remain on but you didn't think it would be that difficult.  All while again trying to keep regular life floating along.

Parenting is hard, harder than I ever thought or knew looking back on my childhood.  I remember having back to back games and my uniform would be folded and ready the next morning and I never thought twice about that.  I now know that the late return home from a game turns into late night of prep for the next day and early rising to finish off the other items that weren't able to complete the night before.  The craziest part is, this is mostly done on autopilot.  There are things that have to be done and as parents we just do them or work with our kids to establish the rules of responsibility, who does what when, all while preparing them for the day when we don't make the lists for them anymore.  They hopefully have picked up on the many tips and tricks of life and make some sense of them for themselves in their own lives.

So here we go, wrapping up our first child's high school career, and he moves out of state and onto new adventures without his family in this home.  HE gets to prepare himself for all the things, he gets to initiate these new conversations with new faces, and he gets to build his circle of trust.  I am equally sad and excited.   With COVID being around during his sophomore and junior year, we were all together A LOT.  This final year he has become beyond independent and some days I get five minutes and probably five words.  The days that he chooses to stay home for movie and pizza night and he snuggles with his younger brother or teases a sister or sits next to me on the couch to share a blanket without me asking, I would like those to last forever.   But they won't, he is off to do great things and I get to become the spectator-from a TRUE distance.  The reality is I have been able to watch this small boy become a young man that I now truly enjoy being with and his amazing personality that is silly and fun beyond all get out, and his strength is more than just physical, and his dedication to those that matter most to him is felt a hundred times over, even more than his hugs.

Alas, I am now that creepy older lady that smiles at small kids at grocery stores and break a little bit when those small hands reach up for their parents hand without a second thought when heading to the parking lot.  My years as a mom to him have been amazing and hard and rewarding and confusing and all in a blink of an eye.  So keep snuggling, keeping asking for a daily hug, keep telling them you love them, and keep giving them what they need because soon enough they won't ask any more.

August will be a tough month for me...but I know that hard is possible and it is always worth it.  I know I am not losing anything in reality I am gaining so much.  But I do feel like there will be a little bit of quiet and emptiness for those first few weeks until we can all adjust to a house that is just missing something...and we can all put our finger on it.

Hard is possible...choose you...enjoy the journey.

Race Day Recap...IRONMAN Maryland 2021

We headed to Cambridge on Friday morning, day before race day, and after we, between the four of us, we have eight kiddos, got our kids to school.  The days leading up to the race were calm, I got my nails done, I slept very well and I drank a lot of water.  Checking the weather for Cambridge was a daily occurrence and the ongoing discussion of jellyfish and how many times we may or may not get stung was at nauseum.  We had a “family” meeting on Tuesday night to discuss all the things that we needed and felt as ready as one could be to tackle something that we felt as prepared as possible for.  We were in the van, on our way, nothing could be changed at this point.

The drive was uneventful but one of us wanted to experience the underwear run at 10:30...we arrived at 10:28...it was a sign that this race was going to be a good one.  Out popped Jeff in the IRONMAN Village in his jellyfish underwear...he was with “his people” and we headed to the house to be greeted by our amazing homeowners.  We were one house off of the running route and two blocks from the finish line.  Optimal conditions for our race weekend and the good vibes were truly starting to sink in.  We had many boxes to check on Friday from checking in, getting our bikes dropped to transition, listening to the athlete briefing while sitting NEXT to the finish arch and then dropping off our transition bags.  I got my hair braided while looking out over the marina and chatted with a local who volunteers for this race every year as we commiserated over having young kids during the covid years and the challenges we all endured these past two years.  We almost didn’t talk about the big elephant in the room that was the bigger endurance exercise I would tackle the very next day.

When everything was where it needed to be...Ben made dinner, pasta and bland chicken with red sauce.  We sat and watched our boys play their football game back home on the computer and Paige had a quick tutorial on tire changing...just in case...thankfully none of us needed to do that!  We were falling asleep by 8:30pm...the adrenaline from the day had left us and now the mental exhaustion was there.  As we were so close to both transition and the start a crazy early start was not needed.  We set our alarms for a 5am wake up and planned to make the half mile walk to the start at 5:30am.  Walking oatmeal was made and our bags were filled with the food that we needed to place into our transition bags and drop off our special needs items.  We were ready!

The walk was quiet and dark, the cars were still filing into the small town and many racers and support crew were on foot making the walk to where all the lights were bright and the noise was abundant.  The lines at the porta potties were already twenty deep.  We headed to our bikes to fill up our water torpedoes, put our hydration on the bike, I last minute taped a small bike pump to the underside of my cross bar.  There were a lot of thoughts of what if this then that...but for the most part these three newbies were pretty calm...or so we appeared to be.  They had said the day before they had hoped to have the first swimmer in the water by 6:35.  Our other friend Ben was racing as well and racked right with us...this was not his first rodeo, he has tackled this monster many times now but no one is easier than the next.  He was also in the race state of mind.

We went over to the 1:41-1:50 group of swimmers.  I was hoping for a sub 1:40 swim but didn’t want to go out too fast per some GREAT advice from my friend at our local tri shop.   I spoke with him on Thursday when I went in to buy salt tabs and be talked off this race ledge.  He could see my head spinning in a million directions and he said...Julie just swim SUPER slow to start.  This will keep your heart rate slow and you can get comfortable in the water. So Paige, Jeff and I stood in line with the other racers...waiting to be marched down to the water's edge.  We used random vaseline from the ground to try and secure certain areas of our body from chafing or jellyfish stings.  We knew they were in there...we knew the race would happen with the sea nettles...we knew we were nervous for the swim portion.  We started our march...as they were only allowing three people to enter every five seconds the time to get in the water was long...I don’t think the last people entered until 7:11am.  The three of us were in the water...walking in to get adjusted...and ready to tackle it.

I walked for longer than I thought I would, I also had to pee.  I kept looking at the water’s edge to see if Ben was going to pop out on the edge and I would see him.  I had kissed him before our march to the edge but was kinda hoping for one last assurance.  I knew I could do this...I was just concerned about doing it with 1800 of my closest friends….and jellyfish.  IRONMAN had raised the wetsuit temperature to 78 to allow us all to have them on to help against the jellyfish.  The normal allowed temperature is 76, for this we were all grateful.  I decided it was time to swim...and I did.  The water was fine, there weren’t many people close to me and I didn’t feel any stings.  Then both of those aspects changed quickly and constantly.

My one goggle didn’t fit flush to my eye but I kept going, I realized this would be fine and I didn’t like swimming with my eyes open in these circumstances anyway.  The sun was rising and I couldn’t really see as I swam forward.  The markers were 100 yards apart which was great from the standpoint of referencing but I was not about to do any math at that moment...I was just concentrating on swimming forward.  I felt the jellyfish in my hands, then my toes, then across my face.  It felt like I thought it would...a sting, a sharp bite, it was uncomfortable but not enough to make me or really anyone around me stop.  As I approached the first turn buoy I was way too close to it which meant LOTS of people.  I took that moment to do breast stroke so I didn't bump into anyone or if I was hit I didn’t get pushed under.  I then resumed my swimming and felt good.  I did take a stroke to the back which pushed me down and I took a foot to the left goggle but just told myself...stay calm, find your lane and stay in it.  First loop was done and I turned to do the final, it felt like there were more jellies on the second loop because there were less swimmers.  Starting to the back of the time breakdown, we knew there would be a lot of people on our first loop as they were starting their second.  So when I made the turn in the shallow end I took a moment and walked about five strides to realize I was doing this, to look around at the space I was in and then go.  I swam the second lap with much less stress and made that turn to the boat dock and was so happy this was over.  Swimming was never my strong suit...but it was completed...and I never looked at my watch once while swimming...finished in 1:24:49.  

Out of the water, although that boat ramp was mucky and dark water and smelled like gasoline...and randomly over our heads after we could walk for five plus strides to our chest, we were done!  A volunteer asked me for my number to help me get my bike bag but we were right at the end so I thanked him and he still escorted me to my bag to ensure I was good to go.  There were cheers over at the changing tents as we all took off our wetsuits that the swim was completed and I sprayed my body down with a vinegar/water mixture.  I took my time, I had put myself down for 1:40 for the swim...I was under and I wanted to make sure I had everything where it needed to be.  I put on my tri top and my bike jersey. I had ¼ of my pb&j and put in my two cliff bars and two gatorade bottles...I used a spray bottle of sunscreen that was on the ground on my legs and arms to help keep out the blazing sun over the next seven plus hours.  I gave my bag back to a volunteer and headed out to hear Ben cheering!  I walked over to my bike...and smiled along the way.

Grabbed my bike and headed out of transition...11:52 for T1.  I could have done many things different in there to save time like go to the right instead of all around the tent to get out of there….but all was good with me.  I felt calm heading on to the bike. I knew this was going to be the LONGEST part of the day.  We had ridden this course two times in our training, but never the first 24 miles...well they were freshly paved roads and empty of cars.  I lost my powerade water bottle in the first 10 minutes of the ride.  I adjusted and was not going to let that mess me up with the ride.  My first 13 miles was at 19mph.  The adrenaline was pumping.  I told myself that this was a long race and as good as these beginning miles felt, I needed to slow down and relax on the bike.  I came into the highschool where Ben would be at 10:09 am...sure enough he was there….and happy to see me!  I went on by giving him “feeling good” and began the first of the two 40 mile loops.  I was using the salt tabs every 5-10 miles, I did not want nutrition to be the end of my day.  I wanted to make sure I had lots of water in me.  I had powerade every 20 miles as well as a SIS, electrolyte gel type item.  I had more of my pb&j throughout every 25 miles and my peanut butter clif bar. I drank water every 5 miles from the start and then more often after that.  I ran out of water and needed to refill when I came into the highschool station at mile 64...I saw Ben again...filled up both of my water holders and felt good...I was averaging over 17 mph and knew things were going well...there were NO mechanic issues yet.  I headed out and was smiling...pretty sure I started singing loudly to the fans on the way out...HALF WAY THERE>>>OH OH>>>>LIVING ON A PRAYER!!!  I was ready to take this last section.

There was a lot of crazy on this back half.  There were crashes happening...aid stations were out of water...things were going sideways for some people.  I wanted to stop at mile 85 to fill up with more water...I still had some but wanted to get it now to make sure I would be covered for the duration...they were out.  I saw a few people down on the course...some bloody heads and road rash...I was determined to stay focused and find the end of this course.  Oh and my feet were starting to BURN!  I was so mad...I was flying high through that last stop and so positive on this last loop...the burning feet is not something you can just turn off.  The only solution is to GET OFF THE BIKE!  I still had lots of miles to complete...there was not an option.  I tried biking with my toes pointing down and that seemed to aleve some of the pain.  I came into another aid station as I now needed to get water and felt a little wonky.  My salt tabs were working, my nutrition was good, but I was still feeling off.  Getting off the bike and refilling my water and just taking a minute was all I needed.  I was in the HOME stretch.  I kept envisioning all the rides we did together over this training and saying...oh just to the big hill in reston and back...oh just to route 28 and back….just to purcellville and back...breaking it down bit by bit.  I was finally off the main road and on the ten mile stretch back to transition.  My feet started to act up again but I told myself I would see Ben again and I would be off the bike.  I could make it to the end.  6:29:29, 17.33 mph.  Very happy with that...I was banking for 7 hours.

Ben was right at the entrance to transition...he said I was doing great… I was so very happy to see him and to be off the bike.  I walked my bike in and Ben said there was a surprise for me in transition.  I knew my parents and kids were coming and just didn’t think I would see them until I was running in town.  Sure enough they were right by my bike rack on the gate, my mom, and my two boys.  I was a mess after leaving Ben going to the rack knowing they might be there.  I was still so happy that I was ahead of time and there were no issues of note yet.  Ben reminded me to take my time because I was way ahead of schedule...so I did.  My youngest stood on the fence line with his hand out and wanted me to give him a high five….so I ran to him high fived and headed to the transition tent.  

I found a chair and sat down.  I emptied my bag, took three Advil, drank some water, had a quarter of another pb&j and took off my shoes!!  I felt good...nothing crazy was hurting anymore.  I found some sunscreen and sprayed my arms and legs.  I reapplied vaseline in all the spots that would need it for a very wet, sweaty run.  It was 3:27 when I came out of T2.  The sun was not going down any time soon and I had three loops to do in not a lot of shade.  Late last week I had the idea of bringing one of those cooling towels...well I am so happy I did.  I knew ice would be on course and trying to keep my body temp down would save me.  T2 was 12:56...I guess I really took my sweet time on that one!

As soon as I got out to the course I went immediately to the aid station to fill that towel with ice.  I wrapped and rolled and placed on my neck and tucked the ends into my sports bra to keep in place.  I had told myself this would be a four minute run, one minute walk...I started running and felt good...saw my mom and my two boys and hubby as I headed to town.  Ben told me I would see our friend Ben when I got onto the course...I had seen him in transition and he was walking with medical, he had an accident on course but was still moving forward.

One foot in front of the other.  I knew this was going to be the LONGEST and hardest part of this day.  I was prepared for completing this event but was not prepared for the heat and humidity.  I found Ben on the run course as soon as I left the park. He was walking, his leg was wrapped and he didn't look great.  He had crashed at mile 64 but somehow finished the bike...and was going to walk the marathon.  I left him after our quick chat and started running again knowing that my dad and the girls would be in town and my girls...I was excited to see how this run was going to feel with all the cheering committees all around.  

I turned the corner and there they were!  My friends were on the corner with their signs...and then turned the next bend was my family.  My oldest girl made a silly sign referencing my favorite show, Schitt’s Creek which made me smile.  The loop into the downtown was filled with people and all the fun at the restaurants and bars in town was in full effect.  I was getting ice cups at every station, took my SIS for nutrition.  Nothing was bothering me other than the heat.  This section of the run was a quick turn to head back to where all my friends and family were to then head out to the dark and quiet section.  I knew that this would be the case but the volunteers were amazing...music was pumping for everyone and they were prepared.  I stopped to go to the bathroom and shuffled along….the environment was like no other.  No RAGNAR, or other endurance race could compare.  So many people pushing forward and helping others do the same.  There was one back section that you had to do these two little out and backs...and one volunteer that I later learned was named Marianna, was there working that section.  Her words and positivity helped EVERYONE she came in contact with.  I kept trucking along and heading back to the transition area. You could see the beautiful coastline and the whole area where we swam that morning.  It was a slight downhill and I took advantage and kept going.. I was not running fast...averaging just over 11 min miles for the first 6 miles...then more walking started happening.  Nothing hurt...I was just very tired and very very hot.

When you were walking, you inevitably would start talking with the person near you, share their stories, learn about their day, help them push a little bit more.  I was next to a man that had two heart attacks last year...and this was going to be his final IRONMAN.  I walked with another man who was doing his first and also feeling the major effects of the heat on this run.  We each helped ourselves get to the next point.  Its funny because although it was a very long marathon from a time perspective, I was so focused on who I would see when and who I was talking with and looking for Paige and Jeff and Ben on the course, the miles just starting to tick by.  Not quickly but they piled up for sure.  Another pass through town knowing that lap two would probably be pretty tough as it was the middle and still another full loop would remain.  The moon was starting to show through the sky and the sun was setting.  I got to see the most amazing sunrise to start the day...and now an amazing sunset...and if you know me...I am a sucker for both.

The walk running lasted fairly consistently until about 2 hours in. Then the walk breaks were more than the runs...and I was exhausted but knew I had to keep moving.  I teamed up with a guy and he was thankful for my speed walking...and another man went by on his jog saying that I walk like his wife, faster than he runs.  Every time I went to run, even if just for three house lengths, I told myself it was better than walking….every step forward was a step closer to the finish line.  The final full loop into town was happening. I saw my peeps again….headed up to the town again...knowing I had one more trip out to the darkness.  That volunteer at that dark turn around spot was there again.  She was there for every one of our runners...she said that she was there until 11:30pm to see the final person make that turn.  Once we turned from here it was roughly four miles into town...I had to remind myself that on any given day I could run four miles...and today was going to have be one of those days too.

Going through the park to get my final loop bracelet to show I had done the three full loops was a great feeling.  I had picked up my paydays and my big bottle of powerade at the start of lap three...used that to keep hydration and salt on point.  I had taken on gatorade that I diluted with water from the aid stations throughout the night.  The darkness was fully upon us...the lights were all on in all the dark corners and I knew how bright that finish line was going to shine.  Came past where my peeps were and they ran along side for about a tenth of a mile until they got toward the finish area and then went to get their spot as I did the final climb into town and then turn back again.  I was running and stopped at the turn to pass the bars and restaurants that were now fairly empty.  I smiled...not a small smile but a BIG ear to ear smile.  I knew this final turn was headed back into town and to the finish.  I knew I would hear my name and everyone who didn’t even know me would be cheering for me.  I also knew that those that did know me would be cheering extra hard.  They would because they knew it was a year and a half of training...half a year that came to an end due to covid and then this full year that would end with this finish line.  They knew of all the hours, the complaining, the endless IRONMAN discussions and logistical debriefs.  They were ready for it to end just as much as I was.  I smiled so hard and thanked every volunteer that I passed...I was going to finish this.  I didn't know my time because my watch died just before mile 20 on the run, but I didn’t care...the end was finally here.

As I started back into town I was next to a guy and I asked him what lap he was on...he said his final.  I then picked up my pace to get space between him and I so we both could have our much deserved time on the finishing carpet.  I don’t think I slowed down but felt every bit of that energy get put into my body to surge me to the finish.  I could hear my peeps on my left screaming in the chute!!!  The lights were so bright I couldn't find any faces but I heard them loud and clear.  I hadn’t thought about what my finish would be choreographed as, I just knew it had to happen.  I put my arms in the air...did my typical I LOVE YOU sign language hands, and did air kisses as I crossed!  I am not sure that I could have smiled any more than I did.  I felt good, I felt strong, I felt accomplished.  

Setting goals and putting the plan in hand to reach them is scary.  It is more scary than the day of the race.   Looking at that plan and knowing that the end is not in sight and you really need to do these workouts every day because come race day it will all come out and be shown when you start the race.  My husband as you know has done IRONMAN a few times and he was our guide.  He paved the way with actual races and with the plan that would have us prepared for race day.  He was a great quiet supporter, never pushing, never disappointed and always encouraging.  We had planned for this day for the last nine months and he knew the work was done and this was our moment to smile and enjoy it all, take in the town, feel the love from every one of those supporters.  He was our sherpa and screamed the LOUDEST when he saw us at every exchange.  I know what it feels like to be the supporter of an IRONMAN...and I truly cannot thank him enough for everything he did for me as a wife, as a partner, as a mother, and as an athlete.  

Will I do this again...well I didn’t sign up for it for next year.  I wouldn’t say NEVER but I will say no time soon.  The community of triathlon is one I hope to stay in for years to come.  I want to continue to show my children what it is like to set goals no matter how old you are, whether you are a mom or a dad, any walk of life, any stage of fitness, that one can be a triathlete...or maybe even an IRONMAN!  

embrace the suck...choose you...

Race Ready

What does that mean really...mentally, physically, emotionally??  We are doing something we haven't done before...we have done these pieces...but never all together, never on the same day.   2696.9 miles biking, 141,563 yards swimming, and 728.5miles swam over the past nine months.  Tomorrow we have 17 hours to complete 2.4 miles swim, 112 miles bike and 26.2 running.  So many hours out of the house or in the dark basement before the kids were awake, some days it was glorious and the sunrise made it worth it.  Other days it was everything in our power to make it just through to get back into our homes to shower and get the grime off of us to then get back to the things that our family needed from us on that day.  We are not superhumans but we are dedicated.  We are selfish at times but also giving.  We are not letting our own goals get put to the side away from the goals of our family.  We are setting examples for our children and those close to us to not be afraid and to do something that is hard and scary.  We are also very scared and cautious with this whole process.  

tri family love

I keep saying we because I am not in this alone.  Two others will tow this line with me tomorrow that have been with me for so many of these early mornings.  This is more than a goal tied to a finish line.  This is a goal that feeds off of something bigger.  It was identifying the goal and then having the nerve to find the race, find the people to support you through the process and then go.  Go forward together.  We started as a group of five and unfortunately through accidents and injury we are down to three.  But you know what...those other two, and SOOOO many others are still a part of the process.  Having others join in on the random workouts or having a conversation with a person in the lane next to me at the pool, assures me that I am not alone in chasing these crazy dreams and they make me feel that they are in fact attainable.

I don't know that I would ever think twenty years ago or even ten years ago that I would be towing the line to my first IRONMAN tomorrow.  Ben and I fell into these fitness goals.  They started with a fun run then a few little relays then they just grew.  Ben was the one that started this whole idea of a triathalon.  I thought he was crazy. I couldn't swim like he could and I didn't even like to put my face in the water.  The races just kept coming and before I knew it running was a part of our lives.  I had a relationship with running that helped me after each kid get back to where I felt was a good place to be.  It gave me the mental escape as well and one that was very appreciated over these past two years....aka...the COVID years.  IRONMAN was checked off of Ben's list four times...and I had done a few halves....and enjoyed the training....the logical next step was a full.  So here we are.

Things will happen tomorrow that haven't happened in the past nine months, they will be completely out of my control.  There will be jellyfish, winds, heat, congestion at aid stations, people that are in all states and none of that is in my control.  I can control my calm strokes as I begin the swim, the care I take around random potholes on the course, the fuel I put in to my body so it can continue to charge forward, and the smile I can bring to my face as I accomplish a goal that at first seem so unachievable. 

coincidence?

Persistence is a big fancy word for "never giving up."

Determination is just another way of saying "no ifs, ands, or buts."

Courage is about having the guts to do what needs to be done."

I came across this magnet on the fridge at the house we are staying at in Cambridge...pretty perfect.

So we start tomorrow, less than 12 hours until we start this craziness!  I am thankful for my dear husband, coach, and number one supporter.  I know his cheers will be the loudest and his excitement will match mine in every way.  I know he has made us all feel ready to tackle this physically, I will be an emotional mess right along with him tomorrow and the mental game will be one I have to face alone.  I am ready for this, nothing can be done to ensure more readiness...and for that I am grateful.  He knows first hand how much this takes a toll on one in every way possible.  He has let me rest and taken the reigns when needed....every single time.  Tomorrow is the celebration for everyone...we are most definitely race ready.

my number one fan

embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible.

Where are you going? Forward.

Well I have had many thoughts and feelings over this past year as I am sure we all have, and they have not all been happy and joyful.  This has been a time in life that I don't want to forgot but wish would pass a little more quickly.  My family and extended family has stayed safe and have nothing to shake our heads at other than missed memories, but we have been afforded the opportunity to make many more.

In this year I thought that I was going to have this grand breakthrough and get myself phsyically back on track.  I thought that this would be the time to rise and shine.  I quickly learned that mental heath surpasses physical every single time.  Without feeling balanced in my head and heart no matter what I did physically it would not matter.  I also realized that being away from those that mean so much and the day to day of my community would continue to take a toll on my well being.  And this was just me...not even my kids and my husband.  This was a hard year.

Here we are, continuing through the hard.  My kids continue to surprise me with their resilience but like mine, there will be a cap to how much they can take.  We are craving normal and hugs and sunshine and our extended family and friends.  They want to participate in sporting events with fans, we want to listen to live music with a crowd and we want to feel safe with the grandparents and I want to do an in person race!!  These I am sure are echoed throughout the masses, with many more to add, but it feels good to say what I am truly missing.  

Half way through marathon

So through all of this I continued to run and managed to do an unofficial marathon in October.  Training with my friends was the highlight of those summer months.  It was dark and early but it was the people that always see me through to the end.  Race day came and it was chilly!!  We managed a great day with a cheering section(my family)on top of beautiful fall foliage that mother nature gave us.  I was finding the joy of running again without the dread of a strict plan.  We made it up as we went along and the runs with friends were bringing smiles to my face.  After our IronMan was cancelled in September, we needed something to feel excited for.  Feeling excited these days is kinda lacking!!!

Constant support crew

Time marches on and I still was not feeling my strongest healthiest self.  I stopped sharing my daily journeys because I felt like they were not worthy.  I am not writing this for pity, more for a reality check.  Every day that I got up and set a goal and met it, no matter what it was, was a great thing especially during this dark and crazy times.  My kids and their daily success was more of my focus and goal attainment.  Things shifted and my mind was not feeling the balance.  My mind and heart were letting me down during the time that it needed to be most present.  

So 2021 is supposed to bring a sense of renewal and hope.  In reality we still are doing the same things we did in 2020...but there is hope.  My kids are still schooling from home.  My husband and kids have been remote since March 2020.  I started a new job over the summer and I go in once a week with a staff of 5.  My oldest is doing sports and competing.  The rest are signed up for spring.  IronMan training started back up a few weeks ago in the hopes of a race in 2021.  Many that we miss so dearly are getting vaccines...things are shifting.  While I know this will be a slow and gradual shift, it is movement.  Much like the slow and gradual movement of myself with regards to training and fitness focus.  All the months of putting forth a lackluster level of effort to training is shifting.  I am finding excitement in pushing myself.

So we do get to begin again and are granted a new choice of actions in this time of shift.  I am choosing to shift forward and continue to believe in these small signs of hope.  I will move with my kids in the direction that brings them happiness and normalcy.  I will smile and agree when my oldest daughter asks me to go on a walk with her.  I will read the extra chapter of Dog Man with my son after his bed time.  I will have the extra snuggle fest from my sweet baby girl who still loves to be with her mom.  I will take the kiss on the head and the hug while at the counter working from my baby boy who is 6 feet, 215 lbs.  I will thank my husband for his continued support of me emotionally and dealing with all the crazy that this house of six has brough over the past year.  I am grateful for this year of pause and reset.  This is something we all will remember, some days we wish we could forget, but the lessons at the end of it all are making us better people.  

The Trail Home

Choose you...embrace the suck!  Hard is possible.

A crooked line to happier

Every one of us is busy and running in circles from before the sun comes up until well after it is down.  We struggle to find a balance between family, friends, work, fitness, and general life.  Every day we have to make choices that will affect us directly and affect the happiness of those around us.  As parents our happiness is a direct correlation to the happiness of our children, and that is a lot of pressure.  We try our best to surround ourselves with those that lift us up and remove those that keep us down.   We would go to bat for anyone in our community that needs a helping hand or a throw an extra kid into our car at carpool...we are always going the extra mile...and as a result - we are exhausted.

I decided to change my course a few weeks ago.  I have been spinning so many plates in the air and I finally decided to take some of them down and focus on what I needed to focus on right now- my family, my health, and getting my life a little bit back on track.  I am a pleaser, a giver, and can do-er.  I don't ever want to say no and don't ever want to leave anyone in the lurch.  I found myself there...in the lurch...I had put myself there. I could see myself sitting there and I was the only one that could help get myself out of it.

Today was my last day at a job I have been at for almost two years.  I was so nervous to make this decision, one of those things you think through in your head but you don't actually do it.  Well four weeks ago I did it.  I told them it was time for me to leave, that it wasn't them it was me.  I needed to figure out the path I needed to be on, I needed to do something that made me feel whole, I needed to find myself again.  They were receptive and understanding and encouraging.  They were all the things that I hoped they would be.  We were both grateful for my time there...and now it was time to move on.  These people are so beyond near and dear to me on many levels and it was one of the hardest conversations I had to have.

Life is not straight paths.  Life is so crooked and wavy, uphill and steep declines.   I read recently how there are many ways to the top of a mountain, some are treacherous and scary, some are scenic and simple, and others you need to ask for directions a hundred times and need as many guides as possible to make it to the next stage.  I was finding myself on anything but the scenic and simple.  I was finding myself lost and accepting the conditions of my life as they continued to present themselves.

So here I am again...hitting my keyboard with random thoughts.  Hoping that this helps inspire someone to find the courage to make a change.  Finding your true self and being the real you every day is all we can hope for.  It was so very scary to take that honest look at where I was on this journey, and let myself trust in the process of change.  Many conversations with my husband and close friends where I could be open about my true feelings of feeling disconnected from my life.  I had lost my passion for me, I was still smiling but I could feel myself being content in a situation that deep down I knew had to change.

So today I did the final hard thing, I turned in my stuff and I said goodbye.  I don't have a plan, or a map, or a next step.  I have so many people in my corner that will help me on this journey, help guide me to where my next calling may be.  I am training for the biggest race I will ever do with four amazing friends that were all scared out of our minds when we hit the submit button for our first FULL IRONMAN!  I have so much to be thankful and grateful for and have learned so many things about myself in these past few weeks.  Being able to see the need for change and taking action is the toughest thing out there...I don't care who you are.  Know that it can be done, know that you will be alright, know that the path to happier is not straight.

Choose you...embrace the suck!  Hard is possible.