enough already...yes you can

With a New Year comes new aspirations for yourself.  It had me thinking about how I often want to make sure all is good for everyone in my life.  Do they really care that they have cute winter flannel sheets on their bed, do they know I hunted and gathered all things Christmas for months leading up to the big day??  I know that I never knew how much my mom did for our family until I became a mother myself and as mine has grown and require even more....and have bigger problems...I know that it was a lot and continues to be a lot for one mind to manage.  However, we keep doing it, we want what is best for everyone that is closet to us and many times that means putting ourselves at the bottom of the to do list.  

So with all that prep and focus on the holidays one can only know what will happen to their goals.  I can't even begin to tell you how hard it hurt when I feel off the wagon over the past month and half.  I had no limits for myself, I kept up my running but for the most part they were junk miles, nothing quality, just getting it done.  I hit my goal of 2016 miles in 2016 and that was truly amazing.  I set a goal, I worked my but off to reach that goal and not one that I am looking to redo anytime soon.  I am avoiding wearing jeans until these pounds are off...I would not be able to handle the pain I would be in wanting to have them off of my doughy body.  I lost sight of my overall goal in focusing on my mileage goal and am paying the price now.  I am not going to beat myself up over it...I am not weighing myself daily, in fact I am not weighing myself at all.  I am focused, determined, driven and that is what is going to get me there...I know what I am capable of and don't need a number to dictate my mood for the day.

I also have started journaling.  It has only been five days worth but I am hoping it will help me look back and see how certain nights of sleep effect my mood the next day or even my exercise habits.  I thought 2015 was the year of the new Julie but I think it is really 2017.  2016 was a lot about testing my boundaries and seeing how I work best and where my weaknesses still are.  I did my thing in 2016 and it was great...had a great full marathon and did two Ragnar Relays but I am hoping for even bigger things for 2017.  And what it comes down to at the end of the day is...yes I can.

It is that simple.  We all have the choice it's just what do you really want.  I could give you a hundred reasons as to why I don't want to do something and probably no reason as to why I can't do it.  Are we busy with the right things, are we choosing to make a stronger you or are we busy making sure everyone is improving while we sit back and help.  Don't get me wrong...I make sure I am on the to-do list but this year I am going to go even more ALL IN.  There is no reason not to.

I am still finding new ways to fall in love with fitness.  I think that is a very important part of life's journey.  For as much as I talk about routine and how that is helpful on my path to success...you also need to make those changes so it remains fresh and you want to do it not just because it is a part of a training plan.  Just like you grow with your partner in life you have to grow with yourself and your relationship with fitness.  

So what am I focusing on for 2017...this will be my year for my Boston Qualifier...I can just feel it...I have a full marathon in April and with coming out of 2016 with 2016 miles run I have a great base under my belt.  I am now running less and according to my training plan so that my legs can have a bit of a breather before I get into the meat of the training plan.  And a bonus I age up this year so my qualifying time is a little bit slower...pays to get older ;)  Then me and 11 of my crazy girl friends will head to Canada to run Ragnar Niagara Falls in May.  After that I will turn things towards the sport of triathlon and do two races over the summer, sprint and olympic distance, which will lead up to a half iron distance in September. 

I tell my kids all the time not to use the word "Can't." I am going to stop using the word as well in 2017.  I am going to continue to try new things, not feel defeated because things don't always go my way.  Just because an initial goal is not met does not make one a failure.  I never would have have guessed this girl from 2014 right here would want to do anything like try for a third time to qualify for Boston after missing my mere seconds, or say I will tackle a full IronMan in 2018, or hope to inspire others to keep pushing towards their fitness goals.  I am not just a mom and a finder of all lost things.  I will continue to kick my own butt and tell myself as much as I may not want to...yes I can. I can do hard things and will continue to push to see where my limit may in fact lie.

january 2014

Embrace the Suck...Choose You...Today is a new day for you...yes you can.

Goal-the object of a person's ambition or effort

The month of December has come and gone and I almost let it get away without taking a few minutes to sit down and empty my head.  My goal of a stress free holiday has not happened but still enjoying my family and friends.  

One thing about goals is that they are really daunting to actually say out loud and commit to, especially publicly.  For the past two years I joined a social media group that would track their running miles for the year.  Last year I committed to 2015 miles for the year 2015....with training for my half iron distance race I only made it to 1600.  It was yet another goal that I did not make.  I missed qualifying for Boston two times in 2015, 2016 and did not make my mileage for the year.  Not for one second would I tell myself I was a failure.  Was I disappointed, sure, but a failure, far from it.  If I considered myself a failure every time I didn't make my goal...I would never try again.  

Failure-the lack of success

Success-the accomplishment of an aim or purpose

Goal-the object of a person's ambition or effort

sharing in my successful run

With every day of training that I put forth there is both success and failure. I miss personal goals set...I don't complete tasks fully...I full on miss a day that is on the training calendar...I phone in a workout.  But with every day that I keep pushing myself and showing my family the level of importance of my goals I then share with them in success.  Success is not found alone.  Success is to be found together and shared together.  The goals that I set for myself are way to big to tackle alone..and I feel like that is what a goal should be...big and scary and something that requires a little bit of help and encouragement from those that matter most to you.  For as much as running is a solo effort when it comes to the day of a race, it is so very much every little bit a group effort that I pull from people over the course of my training.  

This group of people that I have become a part of in this mileage challenge for 2016 has pushed me farther than I would have pushed myself.  Seeing them day in and day out get out there and make an effort, no matter what, at improving themselves is just plain inspiring.  I love that kind of stuff.  I love that someone that I have never physically met is ensuring me that I will meet my goal this year, that they believe in me, that they are in my corner, and that I can in fact do it.  I love that a conversation I have with a customer at the little running store that I work at can bring me to tears.  I love that I have found something that I am passionate about and can feel and share that passion with other people.  Hearing their stories about their goals...their big scary lofty goals...is what continues to show me that I can continue towards goals of my own.  This belief along with my own and that of my family and friends is what drives me.

So I have eight days left to tackle roughly 39 miles.  When I did the math in September I realized there were going to be some rough weeks ahead...I was going to have to pull a few 200 mile months and it was going to hurt.  I told my family that the end was in sight...my goal was going to be met this year and then I will come back to a regular running mom and not this crazy person that is pushing harder than ever.   Tomorrow I will go on a long run with my favorite partner, my husband.  You would think that we would talk to each other as there are no children to take our attention away, but we run mostly in silence.  He pushes me to run harder that I was more than likely planning and I push him to get up and go when he doesn't have a race on the calendar.  

Don't be afraid to set a goal...even a really big scary one.  Don't be afraid to seek help in making that goal a reality...support is key to making it happen.  Don't be afraid to ask those around you to be a part of it...maybe not the physical part but the emotional part...I know I need positive things to think about while I run long and having a little note of encouragement ready for me before I head out the door makes my morning run that much easier.

Embrace the suck...choose you...set that big scary goal and crush it!

Here's the thing...

I went to two funerals in the past three weeks for my husband's grandparents, maternal and paternal.  It was sad and we cried and we remembered the good stuff.  We didn't talk about disagreements we might have had with them, but we remembered all the happy, joyful holidays, parties, and together times.  They lived very long lives, 96 and 93 years young.  As sad as we were that we will no longer be able to make more memories with them, there was an aspect that all of this will be okay.  A sense that they are still with us today and showing their faces and their spirit in our every day life.  We cried because we were happy to have them in our life and we were forever going to miss them.

So every day I make the choice to choose me.  I make the choice to try to make healthy choices and keep my body moving.  I try to include my children in this process so they will have an understanding of why I do this for me.  I do not choose my health over my time with them...I do not want to be away from them but only to be with them longer.  I do this so they will see what their parents choose to do.  We choose every day to make that hard choice and be a stronger person than we were the day before.  We do this not just for ourselves, but for the four sets of eyes that are staring at us daily.  We do this together.

I go on my long runs and most days I have yet to speak to anyone before I step foot out my door.  I love to sleep and take naps and snuggle in my cozy bed but 9 times out of 10 I wake up alone in my bed because my hubby is already up and in the basement getting his sweat on.  He set the alarm the night before AND got up when it went off.  Even though we don't work out together, doing our workouts at the same time is a huge accountability item for me.  I can't just roll over and not try.  I get up and shut up and just head out the door and enjoy the only silence I have over the course of the day.  I come back from this ready to greet those smiling faces and tackle the day.

We try so much every day to fill our days with everything that needs to be done to get us to the next day.  We are a constant running list of errands to complete and things to order or return or forms to be filled out.  We tend to forget about the happy and focus on the right now.  Many times we lose sight of the joy and look more to the execution.  We lose the importance of the process...the reason for this life.  So this holiday season I vow to chill out, to forget any disagreements, to spread the love and hopefully get some in return.  Life is to damn short to worry about whatever that argument might have been about because at the end of the day you probably forget.  Surround yourself with those that have a full heart and bring a smile to your face.  Slow yourself down and stop the spinning and give a hug just because.  Be happy to see the faces that you come across during the course of the day.  Just think how sad you would be if they didn't show up...and you would just have to miss them...forever.

Don't get me wrong...I will keep "my time" to keep me running as a happy elf this holiday season, I will do my best to be merry throughout the season and beyond...maybe my life will start to change as a result.

Embrace the suck...choose you...and smile-you are here!

Family Time...it can be hard time.

The holidays are upon us.  Generally with that is the upping of stress levels.  We have had two deaths in our family in the past two weeks so our stress levels are kinda at an all time high.  I knew this whole adulting thing would be tricky but not actually hard...these days it is just feeling really really hard. To go through my list of why life is so hard it would probably look a lot like your list.

-kids don't listen
-too much laundry
-house is in constant pick up and clean mode
-too many papers from school
-too many appointments/practices/rehearsals for kids
-grocery shopping-my kids eat us out of house and home
-laundry...did I mention laundry
-hubby working late
-me working late
-is the homework done
-didn't they bathe yesterday
-making lunches again!
-I made dinner and now I have to wash the dishes too
-will someone other than me empty the dishwasher
-any attempt at a social calendar
-any attempt at a date night with my hubby
-more laundry
-more feeding
-more dishes
-someone better clean the bathroom
-oh yeah...and make sure I am taking care of me too...sleep, run, eat, repeat

So yes...today is a bit of a rant...and all on the week that we are supposed to be more thankful than ever.  My family is going to be in a whirlwind for the next 72 hours and we should be so very thankful that we have such wonderful family members on both sides to keep us smiling, laughing, eating and drinking in merriment.  

I will now go pack our bags for our Thanksgiving feast tomorrow followed by a wake and funeral.  I am going to smile and cry, laugh and be silent, hug and be hugged all in happiness and sadness.  I will create more memories and reflect on old stories that will be told again and again to "remember when."  At the end of the day that is what it is about...the time we get however long or short is to live this life not just watch it go by.  For as frustrating as my day to day tasks may be for my little family, I am lucky, blessed and grateful despite all of my complaints.  I know that I get to do all of this for them and there are many people that dream of this.  

Please go hug those family members, pick up the phone and tell them you love them if you are not together and framily is just as amazing as family.  Friends that are like family...they are there for you because they choose to be, not because they have to be.  

I love you Orange Mustache?!?

Just put my hand in my bathrobe pocket, yes still wearing my bathrobe at 2:30 on a Wednesday afternoon, don't judge...and found this little gem.  I am loved and my job is to just love on my little family as much as I can and try to keep us all whole.  I know that my needs may not always come first but I do know I am on the list too.  My family knows this too and as we are thankful for our time together but know we are only stronger when we can grow a little bit on our own too.

Embrace the suck...choose you...enjoy your family time and love the ones you are with!

Here I go again on my own....

Sing it with me!  Fall is now in full swing here in NoVa and we have a quick lull of craziness before all the holidays start up again.  Sports are coming to a close and decorations are being put away before the red and green overtake my house in just two weeks.  This year like every other year seems to be in super speed.

Everything is in super speed but me, I am tired and a bit burnt out.  I went for my annual doctor's visit the other day and the only thing that I am going fast through is the aging process.  I went in to the doctor that I have been seeing for more than 15 years and I was not there to have a baby sonogram and listen to a heartbeat.  All these first time mommies were there with their sweet little bellies and partners holding their hands in the waiting rooms.  I dropped G4 off with hubby so I can go alone and there I sat in a room full of families alone.  It was awfully sad and wonderful at the same time.  

I have come to accept that we are at the point in our life where there aren't a ton of "firsts" but a greater appreciation for the growth that each of my kiddos has worked for.  I love hearing my 12 year old sound beautiful when playing his saxophone, my nine year old biking with me on a run for seven miles and not once complaining while feeling confident of herself in charge of her bike, having my kindergarten master reading through a book solo, and my baby boy just being him...going along for the ride without complaining.  Our list of firsts is different and with all of this change that is happening I need to keep me and hubby's goals in the picture too!  Adulting is so hard!

So I had my binge fest of 100 grand, milky ways, snickers, kit kats, and almond joys...couldn't decide which one was the best....I pulled my big girl pants on and said no more pity party.  Life is different and things are changing, and there is no more Hawaii to look forward to.  You have to keep the light burning within yourself.  We removed the dreaded candy,  I logged into myfitnesspal and got back into my routine of 32 oz of water before each meal.  In two weeks I am down almost three pounds.  I know it's not about the number but my gosh I already feel better.   At the end of the day I am proud that I stuck with my plan and stayed within my range.  When you hit that complete diary button on MFP and it says if every day was like this in 5 weeks you would weigh X...I love that X number every time!  I know I have this in me...I know what hard works feel like,..I like to work hard for a reward.  

2015 NJ Marathon

So I have set my goal for the spring and I hope to hit it.  I have looked back at old pics of the girl that didn't quit and hopefully she will continue to give me strength!  I am going to get through these holidays without eating all my awesome holiday cookies and yummy appetizers at get togethers.  Those are my weak spots, I know this, I am prepared, I am doing this without question, there are no excuses.  I will gain motivation from those around me, I will look to my family for support.  This may seem a bit dire but I can tell you not feeling like you is also pretty dire.  Telling yourself that you will refocus in the new year is not the answer.  Today is a new day, one we are given, one others have fought for and I am not going to let that slide.  Yes...that was just me giving me a pep talk...I may need to read this each morning...don't be fooled, every day is hard and every day is a choice.  I am going to continue on my path, hope for supporters along the way, and maybe a parade will form as we march on together into uncovering a new stronger self!

Embrace the suck...choose you...start it up!

Holding onto it all

The past week and a half has been filled with readjusting to life that is not consumed with workout plans and event logistics.  We are not packing lunches and throwing them into a cooler to head to the beach for the day, instead we are running late for the bus, oversleeping and running in circles on the weekends.  We enjoyed our family time more than I thought we would..saying we enjoyed ourselves would be an understatement, it was truly amazing.  We had fewer disagreements, more play time with siblings,  silly charades for post dinner entertainment and all went to bed exhausted every night to wake up to the sunshine and birds each morning. As soon as we landed in Baltimore I felt the home stress creep back into our lives.  In an effort to not have this trip of a lifetime kill me mentally with the biggest let down ever post return...I am trying to focus on little things that my kids can do that still amaze me.

grahamfam six pack doing our thing

This past weekend we finally made it to Sunday School and I was sitting in the back of church during the opening and watched my kiddos from afar.  My nine year old was standing and singing songs that she sings every week and doing all the hand motions.  She was in her element of fun and friends and was not concerned with anything else around her.  She looked so peaceful and happy.  If you have a nine year old girl you know that is not always a daily occurrence.  Music is one of her favorite things and at church she just loves to get into it with her whole body and heart.  It pretty much melts me.

While our leader was discussing the upcoming season of children's choir she mentioned the ages of the members of choir and called out to my five year old specifically saying how happy she was that she was finally old enough to join in.  Within a second of that special announcement my little sweetie turned her head so quickly on a swivel and smiled with glee and excitement at me that she is finally big enough to sing in the choir.  Her innocence and sweet eyes get me every day...she brings so much to our family...making me laugh out loud when she leans over the older kids shoulders while they are reading and says...it's okay...I can't read anyway!

Next up is the big guy.  Not only is he almost as tall as me but his heart is big enough for our whole family to fit in to.  He takes the time when he walks in the door after school to go around to each of his siblings and give them a kiss on the head.  He asks them each how their day was and then he circles around to me.  After he completed his Family Consumer Science Project last night which consisted of him making meatloaf, roasted sweet potatoes, asparagus and cleaning all the dishes he gave me a huge hug and said, I have no idea how you do this every day.  Me either buddy, me either.  Thank you for always knowing when I need a hug and pitching in without asking...you are my number one helper.

Last up is my baby boy.  I keep referring to him as the baby but he will be four in just a few months.  There is nothing baby about him other then his tantrums that he can get away with from time to time as he is still three.  He is the hug and play magnet in the house, everyone needs to know what he is up to and wants to be a part of it.  His laughter is medicine for all of us and his smile can brighten anyone's mood.  He puts out his hand to hold mine as we walk into the grocery store or head to the corner to get the "big kids" from the bus.  He doesn't know of a life that consists of just him...his life is filled with so many people that love him that he can't help but give that love back to all of us.  

just us

Then we have hubby...he will be the first to say that Kona was amazing and a challenge he was so happy to have the opportunity to compete in.  But much like all of his races the day in and day out come right back to you after the finish line is crossed.  We were lucky enough to stay and celebrate him and our family a little bit more on the big island.  The day after the race just the two of us headed into Kona and walked and held hands and just took in the moment a little bit more, a little bit longer, and definitely a little quieter.

   
For all the times I hear that the days are long and the years are short...I know this to be true...I also know that before I know it the years will be long behind me and the days will be short ahead and my kids will be grown and on their own and all of this will hopefully be an amazing memory in their hearts.  My little one just asked how I can come up with all of these words...and I guess in all of my chaos of life with four kids, a hubby and running endless miles and trying to keep us all together...I have a lot of time in my own head.  I take my alone time on the road while running to breath quietly, I try to think of my kids and what they have going on.   I try not to focus on the pressures of it all and trying to solve the problems that are upon us, instead I take that time to reflect on the good...it helps the miles tick by more quickly.  Sometimes I just think of the tree I need to reach to get to the top of the hill.  

and done

So now that this has come and gone...we move onto our next big thing because that is just what we do.  I will identify my spring marathon, I will start to train, and I will try again for the Boston Qualifier.  I will sit down with my coach/hubby and figure out the best way to tackle this monster of a dream.  I will meet my mileage goal for 2016 and pick a much smaller number for 2017.  Hubby can tackle the to do list that I have been compiling for post Kona...he'll love that!  Our kids will keep being themselves and that will cause us to scream, laugh, and love all at the same time and we will all try to slow it down as best as we can and not feel like we are stuck on the hamster wheel..and continue to look to find the special in the day in and day out...and hold onto it all.

Embrace the suck...choose you...slow it down and hold on to it before it's over.

The ugly side...it makes you even stronger.

As many of you may already know I am currently in Hawaii to support and cheer on my husband as he competes in the World Championship event IronMan Kona on Saturday with the rest of the best of the best.  Ben tipped his toe into the triathlon world about eight years ago with a sprint distance then an Olympic...which lead to a half then his first full four years ago.  He was over his head in the sport of triathlon and loving it.

I have run the past few mornings we have been here and seeing these athletes running down the road that they will have to tackle on Saturday afternoon in the glaring heat with pure exhaustion beating down on them along with the Hawaiian sunshine, makes me happy and sad at the same time...it is going to be a long day for everyone involved.  Knowing their scarifies and their commitment to the sport...just really blows me away.  As I post my pics of the beautiful sunsets and beaches we are lucky enough to take part in, I have to realize that we did not make it here on Ben's qualifying finish time alone...and that finish time came at a price as well.

For every time you see a picture of us with a smile, or a success, or a new personal record, or a yummy post workout treat, or a coordinated family picture on the beach, or a weekend get away with a fun race tucked into the activities...none of that came easy.  For every smile has a corresponding angry face resulted in frustration, our successes come with failures, our personal records come with Did Not Finish, our post workout treat is a result of many hours of biking or running and may have been a week in the making.  Our family picture on the beach probably had many minutes of Ben and I screaming at them to just stand nicely and not make that horrible smile, the weekend getaways are often filled with guilt of missing out on our kids actives and a true logistical nightmare.  With every "perfect post" there is more than likely something crappy leading up to it.

ben taking it all in at Kona

The reason I started this whole blogging thing is to show people that anything is possible.  That my family is really just like every other family out there.  We all choose to do things that bring us joy and happiness and we just choose to be crazy and focus our energies on fitness and try our best to make sure our kids understand commitment and determination.  We have worked really hard for this trip to Hawaii, literally and figuratively.  I started a part time job to help defer costs, hubby continued to work two jobs and coach a few triathletes as well.  Our families near and far supported our efforts of what IronMan meant to us.  Our friends locally created a fund to help us get there.  Anyone and everyone pitched in one way or another, if that meant watching my littles while I got a run in during the day before I headed to work or throwing a crazy send off party with pictures of Ben's bib all around the house with everyone decked out in leis, complete with Hawaiian desserts.  Every little part of those that know us best helped us get to this point.   

It has not all been easy, it has not all been fun, but it has all been worth it.  That is the lesson, as I watch these people to continue to train their butts off on Ali'i Drive and drench themselves in sweat, and have family and friends wishing them nothing but the best on maybe their first or fifth time racing at Kona...it will be worth it.  This journey, although started with just a sprint triathlon, has ended with so much more.  It also did not end with my husband, it will continue on.  He has inspired me which lead to me tackling that half Iron distance last fall...and I will soon tackle another.  It has lead to friends giving it a "tri" as well and surprising themselves with a new appreciation for a sport they can fit into their lifestyle.  The sport of triathlon is competitive, but it is also a place where you can find yourself, just you, not compared to anyone.  It is a moment where you have goals for yourself and you rise to the challenge and tackle them, you may even crush them...and that is the exciting part.

For every good training day there is a handful of bad ones.  For every good nutrition choice I made today I probably made at least three bad ones.  I never thought this journey would lead me to perfection, and it has not, but I do hope it can lead me to a stronger, healthier, happier version of me.  One that knows what hard work feels like, one that wants to work hard because the reward is that much sweeter, one that understands you cannot do anything alone.  

the reasons why we try

If you take anything from my ramblings, please take that you can really do anything, hard is not impossible and everyone is watching, for the good and the bad.  Be sure to share the bad stuff too, that makes you more human, more real, more tangible.  We all know it's hard and we want to throw the towel in on many things, but be the one that doesn't...the one that sticks it out...the one that sees it through to the end...that is where your friends and family will be waiting to congratulate you and wipe your tears away...the happy and sad ones.



Embrace the suck....choose you.