Lots of little steps

298 days...I have been recording my food and exercise for two hundred and ninety eight days.  For some people that seems obsessive and a bit much-I am one of those people.  It seems that the daily routine of managing it all, weighing and measuring and ensuring movement is a part of the day-is a lot...how can there be time for all of these steps.  

I don't know that I have the time to do this, but I know that when I don't for me, it becomes a free for all.  There is no acknowledgement of what I am trying to accomplish, the goals are far in the distance and any desire to push forward towards something disseminates.  Races used to be my driving force for movement, and when tracking my food I would use certain meals as rewards for my efforts.  I also learned for me, that again leads to bad things.   My relationship with food is a strained one, one I have to handle with care.  I am sure I could unpack how this happened over the years, how my love all things sweet and second servings of the savory just happen too easily, but going to let that lie for a bit more.  How I can be in the moment and know that things are about to get tricky but I walk right into the fire anyway.

Over all these attempts of getting back on the horse, that I inevidently keep losing, I always start with the exercise portion of things thinking that is the solution knowing full well that my intake is where I need to focus.  This last go round it has been a full shift, I truly understand what I need to do to fuel my body, I continue to find new ways to keep up my protein goals and am luckily very content with eating the same thing for lunch every day.  Mediterranean Chicken Salad for the win!

It is really hard to sit with yourself in that moment and say, I am the problem here and I have the power to make the change...and then find it within yourself to actually do it.  

I still almost 10 months later have to make that choice daily.  The more I make the choice and go through my routine, the less effort it requires.  It becomes less of an action and more of the norm. The more I surround myself with people that understand and accept this yet again new approach to my meal prep and exercise routine, the less out of place I feel.  It is a quiet journey at times, one that you hope will make a difference in the end.  Looking back at pictures from last year at this time, I knew I was headed to a tough place, showing my kids, they don't even remember me that way.  And in the end of all the effort and planning, that is really what is most important.  Be with those that love and support you no matter what because even when you are on the upswing, you will fall again, you will need the people by your side, to support you while you make the decision to change and improve yourself.

No one can make a person decide to do any of this.  My alarm going over in the dark of morning is my choice.  Waking up earlier than normal to ensure I fit a run in on a busy day is a choice.  Everything is within my reach and I have to choose to make it a reality.  We live in a time where most things are at fingertips reach, instant gratification.  Putting forth the effort for results that may or may not come in 6 months time...doesn't seem worth it at the start.  I promised myself to be a good mother and wife to my family and knowing full well the version I am today, although at times may need a nap, is the best version I can be.  

PS-I also stopped weighing myself daily.  Sure the weight is a factor but this time it is about my fitness and movement, how clothes feel on my body, not the plus and minus of a number within two days that will then put me into a tailspin of restriction and limitations or excess exercise.  It's a delicate balance all of this, one that is not an easy conversation to just have with someone when you feel like, I am in a crappy place and not sure I have the strength to pull myself out.  The action of talking about it is great, the acknowledgment of wanting something different for yourself also awesome.  It is the oh so very difficult followup steps that are the hardest.  It is the daily affirmation for yourself to believe in yourself and find the energy to put it all together.

This really is a random brain dump of my thoughts today, if you read them thank you, if they inspire you to take a next hard step, amazing, if you are mid journey and questioning if all the work is worth it-it is!  Find what works for you and stick with it.  Let the other people have their journey in their way, let other people have success and celebrate them, let you continue to find your way and stay the course!  Smile and be you with those who love you!

Embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible.

Third time around

I am not a nutritionist, a therapist, a coach, a doctor or a dietician.

I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend and someone that doesn't give up.

I am an oversharer on a constant journey.  To see a before and after picture does not detail out all the small wins and losses along the way.  That is what this is...a journal of the process.  Not just the smiling happy self at the end.  The struggle and failures that lead me to the success are far more important than the end goal.  It's the constant showing up for myself in every little way that allows for the success to follow.

I referenced a podcast I listened to a few weeks ago which spoke about falling off the horse and getting back on.   Each time you fall off the horse, the time "off the horse" tends to be shorter and you are more likely to get back on.  It also discussed how every time you climb back on, the techniques and strategies you leverage have been fine tuned, sharpened and more efficient.  Could not agree more.

2001

First time I fell off  - or realized I was just never on - was in 2001.  I was first married and the heaviest I had been, to that point.  I joined Weight Watchers in November and by the summer I had lost over 50 pounds.  I started to identify better food choices, I understood what foods were better for me and made me feel stronger!  I won a food scale at a weigh in and still use it to this day!  I was with a group of people at work that joined in this journey and we were unstoppable!  We were written up in the Washington Post and we were a force!  The common thread that I can sit here today and realize that group mentality plays a huge role in success.   Doing something alone is a lot more daunting and less likely for one to continue.  While I do the day in day out alone even now, I share this story on repeat to ensure others that this is not a solo journey.

summer 2005

I wanted to begin a change because I knew we were going to start having children soon and I didn't want to start that where I was.  Our first child was born in 2004.  They were all spaced out pretty nicely and I maintained a healthy weight in between each child but still struggled with choices when in the moment of chaos of raising my kids.  For the first two I continued to work full time, for the last two I worked part time then was a stay at home mom.  Baby number four was so fun and cute and we were very busy and I think I just lost sight of the tools I should have been leveraging.

Jan 2014 - Jan 2015

Second time off the wagon, Winter 2014.  Baby four was one and I must have been enjoying all the amazing time with my kids and carting them to all the places.  I am not quite sure what I was doing that didn't allow me to focus on myself, could have been the aforementioned kids and my lack of motivation and desire to do the hard things and continue to ignore what was staring me in the face.  A picture was taken of me in 2015, the entire year prior I was doing the hard things and showed up for myself.  I had become a runner- one at all costs, treadmill days with kids playing in the background, or during nap time, or in the rain.  Early mornings with new runner friends and finding a community that was like minded helped me continue this journey.  Myfitnesspal became my go to app and I was finding success in tracking of all things....60 plus pounds was lost and I had gotten to a place I had never been before.  In looking back now I clearly know it was not a maintainable place.

summer 2023

Third time off the wagon...if being honest was summer 2022...I was getting ready to send my first baby off to college, I had suffered through the covid years with everyone else, I had somehow completed an IronMan the year prior and wanted nothing to do with exercise and motivation.  I slowly removed myself from the running community bit by bit.  I had my husband who continued to further his athletic endeavors and I watched from the sideline.  I watched most every day...I did a race here and there in the hopes it would spark a fire back inside of me.  I held a damp match and had a wet pile of firewood.  I continued to know I was unhappy but it wasn't enough to do anything about it.  I was watching it all unfold like a movie right in front of me.  I could feel myself pulling more away from people that truly cared and supported me over the years and was sure that my desire to go for a run was not going to come back.

Summer 2024...the summer my daughter started her senior year of high school.  I had gone to the shore, been with my immediate and extended family.  I was hiding behind everyone I could in pictures knowing that this was not the me I wanted on display.  Smiles were still given, love was still felt but I knew I would have rather of hid in my shell and continue to remove myself from others.  I decided Labor Day weekend that I had come to a breaking point yet again.  I didn't know how to go about my eating, I knew that was my main issue, I decided whatever I was doing was going to have to be drastic.  Now 46 years old, the methods I used previously were not going to work.  I watched my oldest son transform himself after his bulking phase into his lean cut self all while eating all the protein he could.  Every social media platform was telling me to up my protein and lift heavy weights...walk all the steps...do all the various things at the same time.  

2/19/24 - 2/19/25

So...I decided to start that Tuesday.  I decided to remove complex carbs and sugar and alcohol from my intake.  I was eating a lot of chicken and hard boiled eggs to start.   I was back to logging my food in MFP and starting making my own dinners based off of the protein Ben was making that night.  I was substituting with spaghetti squash and cauliflower rice. I found the off switch somewhere in my brain that knew how to say no to certain things and the on switch for so many good things.   I was getting up early and walking 2 miles every day.  It didn't have to be fast but I knew I had to start moving again.  By mid September I was walking 4 miles a couple times a week, taking the dog on her morning walk after my walk for at least a mile.  With my increased protein intake I was finding I lost my cravings - chips, cookies, pretzels...they were no longer in my mind or within my reach.

I have a husband that supports me and loves me through all of it.  He grills chicken for me weekly and ensures that all my ingredients for my new fun recipes are stocked so there is no question if I will be staying on track.  I have friends that understood when I said, I need to take some space and really focus on things for myself right now.  I have coworkers that eventually stopped asking why I ate before we went out for lunch.  They fist bump me when I leave the office and head to the gym as my accountability partner.  I continue to share the process because while the result is great, it didn't happen overnight.  I know that things can just happen and continue to pile up on you, and while you see it happening you do nothing about it.  

I am almost 40 pounds down since September. I will continue on this journey...again...there will probably be a fourth time but hoping the time off the horse will be significantly less...not three years of a slow build of losing myself.  I will continue to share this process in the hopes that someone will want to try for themself, that they can start with small little goals and feel proud of themself for that.  I will high five myself in the mirror each morning excited that I showed up.  I am not at the finish line yet...still mid run...and not sure what the finish line looks like this time around but wow, I feel like me again, my smile is authentic and my insides match my outsides.  Don't count yourself out of this ongoing relationship with you.  Stop comparisons with past self, future self, and some other non realistic person on social media.  As my 17 year old reminded me of last night...Comparison is the thief of joy.

Embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible.

Uphill vs Downhill

Sitting in doctor's office this morning, just a check up nothing crazy, I sat without my phone for 25 minutes waiting.  I stared out the window and saw these snowmen standing tall - on the top of the hill.

My first thought was, why would you make a snowman on the top of a hill???

It has been a minute since I have made a snowman but rolling the heavy weighted snow UP a tall hill would be a lot harder than rolling a snowball down a hill.  The amount of effort to bring that to the top just seemed like the wrong decision in the moment.

Then as I sat in the quiet looking out the window I thought more and more about uphill vs downhill.  When looking at races one of the first attributes you look at is the elevation.   Downhill is never really a concern because that seems like it would be welcomed as opposed to a steep uphill climb.  Those races that have so much uphill are so quickly to be ruled out, at least I did in the past.

When I think about my kids learning how to ride their bikes-the downhill scared the crap out of me...there is no control, fast into a curb or a tree or a person.  Visions of them flipping over the handlebars is all I can see.  Going uphill is the dreadful side to side slow motion biking but generally you can catch yourself before the fall happens and drop your foot to stop and balance.  It is more difficult and more labored.

No one would want to do the harder thing on purpose.  But when stepping back into my health journey yet again, I feel that the downhills are the places where I find myself getting into trouble.  I feel like I spiraled down faster without any chance to hit the breaks without flipping.  It may be the fastest way to get from point A to B but it is a blur.  It is me grabbing food mindlessly and bypassing a chance for a walk or a workout in the early morning. It is me making other things that are shiny and easy to grab more of a priority.  The downhill is something that I couldn't describe in any great detail because it just happened and I was barely a witness to it.

The harder path is the uphill.  You get winded and you have to pause as you continue the long ascent.  Often on a hike you find yourself pausing with others on the uphill and commiserating about the never ending uphill but closing the conversation with a bit of encouragement.  This journey again for me is all uphill.  My steps have to be properly calculated, prepping food and workouts and ensuring I am getting enough sleep and water.  I have to accept that this option will take longer and there will be moments where I want to turn and just go downhill to get it over with...but I have to just keep looking to the top of the hill.

I have this sign in our homework room, it's a perfect reminder for all of us on the daily. Just don't stop! I also need to give myself some grace that the breaks that I take on the uphill may be a day, a week or in this case a year or more.  Sometimes you have to throw yourself into the downhill to get to the bottom to take care of something else that is more shiny and needed at the time...but don't be afraid to tackle the uphill again.  

Embrace the suck...choose you...hard is possible.